Presleyopia: An Overview

Presleyopia: An Overview

Not to be confused with Presbyopia, this disease causes an astonishing distortion of patients' vision.
A Presleyopic looking at the man on the left might see something like the image on the right.

By Florian Q. Havermeyer DISSOCIATED PRESS


MEMPHIS, Feb. 7 — Long scorned by the medical community as a symptom of obsession or mental defect, scientists are now realizing there may be a physiological basis to the phenomenon of Elvis sightings.

"I swear to you I saw him, dang it! I know it was Elvis. I went into to the 7-11 to buy some Tostitos, and there he was behind the counter!"

IF YOU'RE THINKING of a trip to Graceland, maybe you should think again - there may be something in the water or air which causes otherwise well-adjusted individuals to become afflicted with a newly-recognized disease: Presleyopia.
Dr. Morton Salzer, a biochemist with a penchant for 'rockabilly' music, began to suspect there might be a connection between the environment in and around Elvis's Graceland Mansion and the incidence of Presleyopia when he did a statistical study which found a remarkable correlation: over 97% of Presleyopics had visited "The King's" Memphis home.
"This correlation is so strong that my colleagues and I are convinced we are on to something. We hope that someday we may be able to help the desperately troubled souls who suffer from this condition."
Dr. Salzer has indicated, however, that help may be a long time in coming. "We're doing everything we can, but I expect it will take years of research and many millions of dollars to find a cure. I hope America has it in its heart to meet this challenge."
In the meantime, charitable organizations are springing up to offer aid and support to Presleyopics. In order to do what she can to help, Sally Jo Simmons founded "Heartbreak Hotel House," which offers therapy and support to its clients.
"Part of the day, our guests are in Group. They discuss how Presleyopia has changed their lives. The stories I've heard are so sad; one man was just explaining how he spent his family's entire life savings on rhinestone-encrusted jumpsuits. Another person, a woman, was evicted from her apartment because she kept playing "Viva Las Vegas" over and over again for 27 straight days, poor thing."
Dorothy Ferndale of Pawhuska, Oklahoma knew that something was wrong with her husband Roscoe. "Oh, Roscoe, he always liked The King all right. I never thought nothing of it when we had to dress up like Elvis and Priscilla every Halloween. Things just went from bad to worse, though, and soon he was sleeping with these big sunglasses on, and eating fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches for every meal like Elvis did. Then one day he come running into the kitchen yelling 'I seen him, I seen him.'"
We caught up with Roscoe at Heartbreak Hotel House and asked him to describe what happened that day: "I swear to you I saw him, dang it! I know it was Elvis. I went into the 7-11 to buy some Tostitos, and there he was behind the counter!"
For years Roscoe thought he saw Elvis practically everywhere he went. "First it was just men that he said was Elvis," Dorothy told us, "but then it was women, children, animals. Heck, one time he stood for an hour begging a dog to sing 'Kentucky Rain' for him."
Dorothy is thankful that Roscoe's condition is finally in remission. "My Momma, she thought I was crazy to stick with Roscoe, but I always knew that someday he'd find his way back from that dark and lonely place he was in. I'm just grateful as can be that I didn't catch the same bug, 'cause I was at Graceland with him. Like they say, 'there but for the grace of God...'"

What exactly causes this bizarre condition has scientists stumped. Bio-hazard teams have sealed off Graceland and are taking samples from all over the property in order to isolate whatever it is that triggers Presleyopia. Dr. Salzer suspects that there is probably a genetic predisposition to the disorder as well:
"Not everyone who visits Graceland comes down with Presleyopia. There are people who have worked on the grounds for years who show no signs of it. Once the human genome has been mapped completely, we will use a supercomputer to find the genetic markers for Presleyopia. At that point, it will be possible to screen people, to determine whether it is safe for any particular individual to visit Memphis."
Of course, this brings up significant ethical questions. Will insurance companies deny coverage to potential Presleyopics? Will they be discriminated against in the job market? Sally Jo Simmons comments:
"There are people at work right now on the legal ramifications of Presleyopia . There's a lawyer down in Nashville who's already drafting a bill for the Tennesee legislature called the People with Presleyopia Act. We can't let someone like Roscoe Ferndale slip through the cracks of our society. We have to take care of these poor folk."

© 2000 Dissociated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.



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