• Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
• Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
• Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is brocken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
• Tech Rep:"I'm sorry, but did you say 'cup holder'?"
• Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
• Tech Rep:"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped-it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, or at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trade-mark on it?"
• Caller:"It came with my computer; I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

If Operating Systems were Beers

• DOS Beer:

Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

• Mac Beer:

At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

• Windows 3.1 Beer:

The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

• OS/2 Beer:

Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

• Windows 95 Beer:

New to the market, and a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

• Windows NT Beer:

Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

• Unix Beer:

Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

• AmigaDOS Beer:

The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

• VMS Beer:

Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumours are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilliser, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

Computer engineers

"I know" said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."

"No," said the manager. " Let's schedule some meetings, propose a Vision Statement, formulate a Mission Statement, define Achievable Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we'll be on our way."

"Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?"

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff.... "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news.... there *is* a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bores went back and told his staff.... "I have bad news and bad news. The first is.... there *is* a God...... the second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff.... "I have good news and good news. First.... God thinks I am one of the 3 most important people in the world. The second is..... we don't have to fix the bugs in Win95."

Top Ten Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Started Building Cars: (From "Car and Driver" magazine - February, 1996 - Vol. 41 No. 8 p.29)

1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast -- but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The oil, engine, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
9. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.

If Microsoft sold cars

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I can get in through the driver's side door just fine, but I can't open the passenger's side."

HelpLine: "How did you try to open the passenger's side?"

Customer: "I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side."

HelpLine: "People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger's side. Remember, you're always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It's more consistent that way."

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "How do I turn my windshield wipers on?"

HelpLine: "There's a little button on the radio console . . ."

Customer: "Radio console??"

HelpLine: "Yes, it's more efficient to have all the controls in one central position. Look for the one with a shape like a piece of pie on it."

Customer: "And that's the windshield wiper button? I was always wondering what that did."

HelpLine: "People are always asking that. You'd think they'd be more familiar with the principles of graphic design."

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car will go forward, but when I put it in reverse, nothing happens."

HelpLine: "What model do you have?"

Customer: "It's a brand new 1994 Mongoose."

HelpLine: "Yes, but it is a 1994R with a big R or 1994r with a small r?"

Customer: "I don't know. Let me find out and I'll call you back."

HelpLine: "Alright, but let me tell you you've probably got the small r model. You'll need to upgrade to the big R version to go in reverse."

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I just called about the car that wouldn't go in reverse."

HelpLine: "Well, yes, we get a lot of calls about that."

Customer: "It turns out I have the small r model. But I bought the one with the 'Reverse gear option'."

HelpLine: "Yes, that's the option to upgrade to a reverse gear."

Customer: "Why don't they all just come with a reverse gear in the first place?"

HelpLine: "Well, that's very difficult to do, even for our world-class engineers, and not everyone may want it. Also, it makes the car more complicated to drive. So we offer it as an option to our 'power drivers'."

Customer: "How come all the Jupiters have had it standard since 1974?"

HelpLine: "Ahem. Well, yes, they're not a market leader, they're just for people who really like working on cars. If you really want to get involved in those kind complicated details, go right ahead . . ."

But really, we're leaving out an important part:

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car just caught fire."

HelpLine: "I see. And what model was it?"

Customer: "1994r Mongoose."

HelpLine: "Big or small . . ."

Customer: " . . . small r."

HelpLine: "And your registration number?"

Customer: "426917-woof-271828-arf-314159-spam."

HelpLine: "And where did you buy your car?"

Customer: "Fast Eddie's Sports-o-rama in Glendale."

HelpLine: "And what was the name of the salesman?"

Customer: "I don't remember."

HelpLine: "I see. Are you sure you didn't steal this car?"

Customer: "Of course I didn't steal it!"

HelpLine: "And would you be interested in purchasing our extended service contract?"

If Operating Systems were airlines

• DOS AIR All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.
• WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.
• MAC AIRWAYS The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
• OS/2 SKYWAYS The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
• FLY WINDOWS NT All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
• WINGS of OS/400 The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
• MVS AIRLINES The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors!
• UNIX EXPRESS Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

Bill Gates goes to Hell

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, hackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??? "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

So, Windows is not a virus.

Microsoft Marketing

Look what was intercepted from Microsoft after a week of hardhacking their computer system:

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h>/* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h>/* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define soon way_in_the_future
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version

void main()
{
  if (latest_window_version one_month_old)
  {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
      market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
      raise(RUMORS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
  }
  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
  {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h
*/
    if (rumors_grow_wilder)
      make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
      market_time=ripe;
      say("It will be ready in one month);
      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
      vaporware=TRUE;
      break;
     }
  }
  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
  {
     case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
       say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
       break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
       say("Yes it will work");
       ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
       pretend(there_is_no_problem);
       break;
     case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
       say("It will run on an 8086 with lightning speed due to"
           " the 32-bit architecture");
       inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
       inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
              "'cuz all those customers will need at least 32 meg");
       inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
       get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
       break;
     case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
       say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
       register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
       when(time_is_ripe)
       {
         arrest(journalist);
         brainwash(journalist);
         when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
         {
           order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
           release (journalist);
         }
       }
       break;
   }
   while (vaporware)
   {
     introduction_date++; /* Delay */
     if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
       break;
     say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  }
  release(beta_version)
  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
  {
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
      if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
      {
        ignore(customer);
        order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");
      }
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
      steal(their_ideas);
      accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
      wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
      buy_out(other_company);
    }
  }
  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are angry at us
*/
  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
  laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_to_wait_year_after_year_
  for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
  charge (a_lot_of_money)
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complains)
  {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware */
  }
}
EndofFile