Found on this page is information dealing with the profits, stocks, and value of Oysterland.
Current market (Black) value: 727.65 Vietnamese dongs
Majority owners:
51% Oyster Enterprises (Giovanni and Sons and Walt Oyster)
35% Wardicus Web Design (VP Chris Ward)
8% Fairmont Investing (VP William Morgan)
7% Some Homeless Guy on the Street (???)
The rest: Who knows? We make it up anyway.
This profit is the product of private investor speculation, park revenues, and illegal gambling. Basically we make all of our figures up to make the few living investors happy until we can figure out how make their deaths look accidental. Future sources of income include: more gullible investors, money laundering schemes and wishing wells. Do you know how much money is being thrown into those things a day? A veritable gold mine. We here at Oysterland, Inc. will stoop at nothing to cheat, swindle, and scam for money in order to keep the debtors, angry litigants, and mafia hitmen away.
How do we pull it off here at Oysterland, Inc.? Well, it's long nights and hard work here at Finances. It follows a 12 step plan which was developed by our own William Rutherford Morgan III, financial genius. ("Bet you paid off Ward to put that in." "No, I didnt." ):
1. Find a currency cheap enough to work in. (And hopefully has a funny name. Dong! I could say that all day! Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong..... Gets funnier everytime you say it!! HEE-HEE!!!!)
2. Buy a bottle of cheap whiskey.
3. Take a drink.
4. Go ahead, take another one.
5. While nobody is looking, take another one.
6. Hell, why not? Finish off the entire damn bottle!!!!
7. Crap. Already halfway thorugh plan and I'm half shmashed off my... Panic (piss pants as usual)
8. Have a good cry.
9. Buy another bottle and repeat steps 3-6. If you are screwed already, why not slowly end your life with too much booze? Its what you deserve anyway. The Old Man was right anyway. I'm just a waste of space. I've never amounted to much anyway. Cry some more in a depressed, drunken stupor.
10. Wake up naked in a garbage can in the back alley. Where the hell is my wallet? Start crying..
11. Run up to office and find backup set of clothes. Hurried shower using the sink in the bathroom. Or is that the toliet? Hard to know when battling a 16 ton hangover.
12. Fill the books with impressive looking but obviously fake figures. Nobody important's looking anyway. What's a few hundred thousand dollars here or there anyway? What is money anyway? Just some damn slips of paper you could make out of construction paper yourself. Money is overrated, I say. Screw the man.
Thats how we do it. Works everytime.
Last updated January 28th, 2005