Oysterland Public Relations

This page gives general information on both Oysterland and Oysterland Inc. In addition are press releases and news articles regarding special events in the parks past, present, and future.

Associated Press 1/28/2005
Oyster envisions bright future for Oysterland
New direction, fresh ideas to revive park


Seabeck, WA (AP)--- Oysterland Park, a rare bivalve reserve in Seabeck, Washington State, has announced new plans for its future at its annual shareholder meeting. Walt Oyster, founder and CEO of Oysterland Inc., was optimistic about his parks chances. "We look forward to the challenge," he said to the crowd. A new website design, a flush of investment dollars, and a management shuffle were all announced. But the biggest news was the hint of possible hostile takeover of Disney Co. "I won't deny or confirm anything, but I'd suspect we'd be interested in pursuing possible oppurtunities," PR director Jerry Isaac said. In the next few months, the Oysterland web-page will recieve a face lift. Senior VP Chris Ward made a rare appearance to confirm this detail. Shareholders also mumured pleasure with the announcement that the corporation was profitable in 2004, making over five dollars. Also, former PR Director Dwayne Wilcox has been transfered to Event Coordination after his July 2004 arrest in Delaware for murder and heinous indecencies. Charges were dropped after the witnesses, the prosecuting attorney, the judge and the jury disappeared. Rumors of Mafioso involvment are not true. Please don't kill me.

(Note: Senior Contributor James Segel was found dead this morning after submitting this report. Mafioso ties are suspe... (Note: Editor Dan Eagans was found dead this morning in his office. ummm... We have no clue why.))

Seabeck Gazette 3/15/95
Theme park opens in Seabeck
New species of park unschucked


Today at 3:00 pm. the long awaited opening of Oysterland theme park will commence. For the first time in three years of construction the press and public will be allowed inside the pearly gates. Guest speakers will include Govenor Locke, Mayor Hinkle, and park founder Walt Oyster. Upon conclusion of the ceremony visitors will be treated to full park tours, free rides, door prizes, and a fifty-foot long cake. Included in the tours are monorail rides and behind-the-scenes views of park infrastructure.
    Oysterland theme park is the largest of its kind in both Washington and Oregon, enclosing a vast 150 acres of rides, shops, and attractions within it's walls. The centerpiece to this park is a 20,000 gallon fresh/salt water aquarium that holds an entire oyster ecosystem. While Mom and Dad are taking little Jimmy to the oyster petting zoo, teens can ride on one of the many thrillers. These include 15-story freefall Seagull Drop, Red Tide Racers Go-Karts, and the Class 7 rollercoaster Seasick. For more information, please contact Seabeck Parks and Rec at:



Bremerton Sun 12/13/97
Oyster Escapes Park
Police chief orders residents to stay home

Seabeck- Seabeck residents have been warned to keep on the alert after a dangerous and rare oyster apparently escaped sometime yesterday evening. The Spotted Nigerian Oyster was discovered missing this morning by park animal control officals. "We still believe that the the oyster is on the premises, but we would like to, just in cause, warn the public of the danger of this mollusk," PR Director Dwanye Wilcox told reporters after rumors broke out in Seabeck of the escape. "We don't know how it happened, but all signs point to sabotage. The tanks we had for the oysters were special designed and super high-tech. There is no way that they could have failed the way they did. We've contacted the police to begin an investigation."

Police Chief Harold Hampton told residents to lock their doors and remain on the lookout for the bivalve. "It's as big as your hand and is covered with little black dots. Don't let its size suprise you, however. From the descriptions I have heard, this thing is as vicious as a piranha and as dangerous a shark. I wouldn't mess with it if I were you." He emphasized that the park has an excellent safety record and top of the line security measures. "This really suprises me. There should be no way that this could of happened."

Although it is not clearly known how dangerous the Spotted Nigerian Oyster is, park officials passed onto us that this species is the "devil" of the Nigerian Rivers, and has been known to take of the foot of an unsupecting villager. "During floods, it has been described to us that whole villages were obliterated by vicious and hungry Spotties. With good feeding habits, however, this creature has an excellent record at many aquatic parks around the world," Wilcox reiterated.

The Seabeck Police Department is asking for any information concerning this incident and the whereabouts of the oyster. They also remind the residents that they should not attempt to touch or approach the creature.




Bremerton Sun 12/14/97
Oyster Terrorizes Seabeck
City Hall in Disarray

    Seabeck-Authorities are shocked at the speed of the brewing crisis in Seabeck, just one day after the escape of a rare, but vicious oyster from the popular Oysterland theme park. Park officals discovered at about 1:00 pm yesterday that the oyster had indeed escaped into the public domain. Now a county emergency has been called, and the National Guard has been mobilized in response to the damage done by the marauding bivalve.

"I was completely shocked by the fiercness and brutality of the creature," Police Chief Hampton told stunned reporters. That was an understatement compared to other eye witness accounts. "My life has been ruined. It killed my farm animals and ripped apart the first floor of the house," an exasperated resident told reporters. "It totaled my car and burned down my house," another resident claimed. The facts we have out of the hot zone are not clear, but here is what we know:

1. The oyster chewed its way through the fences early yesterday morning.
2. Reports came streaming in of vandalism near the escape point.
3. The first real heavy damage was reported at 10:53 am at 5490 Meadowlark Ln. Police arrived to find a barn ablaze and several heavily injured animals.
4. Another destroyed residence was found at 11:24 am two miles down the road. Several people were injured in the collapse of the house.
5. Judge Whitworth reported the oyster stole his DeLorean and ran over his prized azealea patch.
6. The oyster was spotted on Muddy Creek headed towards the city center at 12:37 pm.
7. Park officals confirmed the escape at a 1:00 pm press conference.

It is at about 1:13 pm that the facts become cloudy and terrible. An overhead police helicopter spotted the mollusk about a 1/2 mile out of town and pursued it with machine gun fire. Eye-witness Jim Hawkins described what happened next to us. "I've seen anything jump that high before. It leapt right into the cockpit and chewed the controls to bits in a matter of seconds." Caught unsupectedly by the counterattack, the pilot panicked and ejected along with the other officers. The chopper then crashed on a nearby beach. The oyster managed to avoid harm and continued towards Seabeck.

Seabeck tonight is a war zone. From the pictures smuggled out by brave photographers, the city streets are littered with burning cars, dead animals and even a small yacht. The bank has apparently been leveled and Seabeck City Hall is gutted by fires. There is no sign of human life for a 2 mile radius of the town except for a State SWAT team trapped in the Police Department desperately fending off the repeated attacks of the oyster. Only the garbbled radio messages recieved intermediatly assure us that they are still alive.

State officals responded by immediatly mobilizing the National Guard. "This is a bad situation getting worse by the minute," Govener Locke told reporters. "We must act quickly prevent any more damage." "The only man who can stop this disaster is Sir Anugs McWhitley," said a red-eyed PR Director Dwanye Wilcox. "The National Guard hasn't the expertise to deal with this situation," he shouted as he boarded the corporate jet en route to getting Sir Angus from his vacation in China.

Sir Angus McWhitley is the world's most renown game warden and is a foremost expert on dengerous animals. Police Chief Hampton agreeded readily with Wilcox. "He's as smart as they come. If he can't do, no one can." He also shared the startled fact that the tanks had indeed been sabotaged. "It's a clear cut case of intentional damage to create problems for the park. We have several detectives on the case right now."



Oysterland Oracle 12/15/97
Reign of Terror Over
Sir McWhitley Outwits Wily Mollusk

Sir Angus McWhitley returned home from China in time to spare Seabeck from total carnage. After rallying the shaken Oysterland Patrol and mounting his trusty steed Concorde, he led them into the savaged streets in a man to beast battle. The brave men tracked the Spotted Nigerian to its lair in the toilet of Mr. William Coates, a local locksmith, and after setting several traps caught the oyster.

That is far from the end of this story. Though it was captured the oyster still had to be subdued. It's tough shell is natural protection against tranquilizers and so Sir Angus found himself forced into hand to shell combat with the bivalve. The battle raged for several hours, and at moments it appeared as if Sir Angus was at the recieving end of the punishment. Broken and bleeding, the Scot called upon his ancestoral power and pinning the oyster to the ground he thrust home his dirk, ending the three-day ordeal.

In a press conference last night Walt Oyster himself commended Sir Angus, and awarded him with a medal of bravery. This was not the end of the honors heaped on him, however, for the Highlander recieved the key to the city. Mayor Hinkle proclaimed this day a new holiday in Seabeck in honor of this heroic battle. From now on the fifteenth of December will be known as Rainbow Socks day.

Seattle Gossip 1/25/00
Oysterland Theme Park Expands
Web Site currently revamped,
new Corp Jet


Seabeck- Oysterland Inc., parent company to Oysterland Theme Park , has survived the recent shake ups in company policy and remerged with a new begining. "We have survived the storm," PR Director Dwanye Wilcox said at yesterdays press conference, "Now is the time to fufill Walts' dream." For nearly a year now, Oysterland has been under fire for safety issues and work equality problems. After repeated denials and a lengthy lawsuit, the park can soon reopen. "We are proud to announce that we have ordered renovations on the park and a redesign for our websites. We hope,in a few months time, to be fully operational again," Wilcox told reporters.

Oysterland also announced that the purchase of a corporate jet had recently been completed between Oysterland Inc. and Cheatum Aeronautics. The jet, the Fine Pine Coffin, was built in 1995 as a prototype airliner. Several disasters soon followed as the plane burned down to the ground twice in mysterious arsons. Even after being rebuilt the plane still was plagued by design problems such as the lack of wings and the usefulness of engines. In 1998, however, the craft was proclaimed safe by the FAA and was operated by Cheatum Aeronautics as a demonstrater. Walt Oyster, Oysterland CEO, fell in love with it at an airshow in September 1998 and immediately pursued purchase of it.



The Fine Pine Coffin, in all its glory.




Last updated January 28th, 2005.


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