Domestic Violence
Since the topic of domestic violence is such a broad one, I've divided the information into a few different sections:
Characteristics
Warning Signs
Types of Abuse
Myths vs Realities
Links and Resources
Support
General Information

Behaviorial Characteristics
Batterer
Batterers are found in all socioeconomic, educational, cultural, racial and age groups. The batterer is characterized by...

...poor impulse control - explosive temper - limited tolerance for frustration.
...stress disorders and psychosomatic complaints - sophistication of symptoms and success at masking dysfunction vary with level of social and educational sophistication.
...emotional dependency - subject to secret depressions known only to family.
...limited capacity for delayed reinforcement - very "now" oriented.
...insatiable ego needs - quality of childlike narcisscism (not generally detectable to people outside family group).
...qualities which suggest great potential for change and improvement i.e., frequent "promises" for the future.
...perception of self as having poor social skills - describes relationship with mate as closest he has ever known - remains in contact with own family.
...jealously and fear of being abandoned or "cheated on".
...containment of mate and employment of espionage tactics against her (e.g., checks mileage and times erands) - cleverness depends on level of sophistication.
...no sense of violating others' personal boundaries - accepts no blame for failures (marital, familial, occupational) or for violence.
...belief that his forcible behavior is aimed at securing the family nucleus ("for the good of the family").
...apparently feeling no guilt on an emotional level even after emotional recognition.
...generational history of family violence.
...participation in pecking order battering.
...assaultive skills which improve with age and experience accompanied by a rise in danger potential and lethality risks.
...demanding and oftentimes assaultive role in sexual activities.

Battered Mate
Battered mates are found in all socioeconomis, educational, educational, cultural, racial, and age groups. The battered mate is characterized by...

...long suffering, martyr-like endurance of frustration.
...blatant depressive and/or hysterical symptoms - stress disorders and psychosomatic complaints.
...economic and emotional dependency - subject to depression, high risk for secret drugs and alcohol, home accidents.
...unlimited patience for discovery of "magic combination" to solve marital and battering problems.
...unsure of own ego needs - defines self in terms of family, job, etc.
...low self-esteem. (emphasis mine)
...unrealistic hope that change is iminent - belief in "promises".
...gradually increasing social isolation, including loss of contact with own family.
...inability to convince partner of loyalty - futilely guards against accusations of "seductive" behavior toward others.
...interpretation of confinement or restriction by mate as "caring" and "loving".
...belief that transient acceptance of violent behavior will ultimately lead to long term resolution of family problems.
...emotional acceptance of guilt for mate's behavior - considers own behavior as the cause.
...generational history of family violence.
...participation in pecking order battering.
...learning behaviors that will either divert or cause mate's violence; carelessness increases; judgement of lethality potential deteriorates over time.
...poor sexual self-image - assumption that role is to accept totally partner's sexual behavior (attempts to punish partner with abstinence result in further abuse).
...being at high risk for assualt during pregnancy.
...frequent contemplation of suicide.

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Warning Signs

Questions to ask yourself about a new man

If you have been in an abusive relationship, you may think you know what "type" of man to avoid in any new relationship. However, you can't always predict whether a man will be abusive because many are considerate and loving in the dating phase and change dramatically after marriage. Answer these questions, and if he's not the one for you, don't stay with him waiting for someone better.
  1. Can you state particular characteristics of his that you love?
  2. Can you give examples of them?
  3. How many essential characteristics of your "ideal man" does he have?
  4. Does he accept your right to decide if you'll use birth control?
  5. Does he think it's a wife and mother's right to decide whether to work at a paid job?
  6. Is he willing to have you spend time alone, even if he'd like to be with you?
  7. Is he glad you have other friends?
  8. Is he pleased with your accomplishments and ambitions?
  9. Does he think women can and should be as wise, worldly, confident, strong, decisive and independent as men?
  10. Does he sometimes ask your opinion?
  11. Does he both talk and listen?
  12. Does he tell you when his feelings are hurt?
  13. Does he think it's okay for men to show they're weak and vulnerable and to cry sometimes - aside from right after he's abused you?
  14. Is he able to express affection aside from the times he's sorry for abusing you and when he wants, or you're having sex?
  15. Are there some special traits about women (ability to express emotions, willingness to be vulnerable) that he admires?
  16. Does he like and admire his mother or sister?
  17. Does he have good friends?
  18. Does he have interests besides you?
  19. When angry does he break or throw things?
  20. Does he lose his temper suddenly over small things, especially when he doesn't perform as well as he'd like?
  21. Does he ask you about other men in your past life?
  22. Does he want to know where you've been when you've been out?
  23. If you stay out late, does he demand an explanation?
  24. Does he believe husbands should make the important decisions?
  25. Does he think there are any circumstances in which it's okay for a man to hit a woman? (for instance, if he finds "his woman" with another man)?
  26. Is he jealous of your friends or relatives?
  27. Does he think you're with another man if you're not home when he calls?
  28. Does he think you're going to "cheat" on him when you talk to a man or dance with an old friend?
  29. Does he think men should earn more than women?
  30. Does he especially want boy babies and associate fathering boys with masculinity?
  31. Does he think you have enough education, even though you want to go to school?
  32. Does he get angry if meals are late, or the food isn't just right?
  33. Does he have the traits that often "hook" you into involvements with abusive men?
  34. Does he take over when you're having trouble doing something, whether you want him to or not?
  35. When he's hurt, does he act angry instead?
  36. Does he silently sulk when angry?
  37. Does he drink or take drugs almost every day or go on periodic binges?
  38. Does he ridicule you for being stupid or for characteristics that are "typically of women"?
  39. Do you like yourself less than usual when you've been with him?
  40. Has he spent time in jail?
  41. Was he abused as a child?
  42. Does he sometimes put you on a pedestal, saying he doesn't deserve you?
  43. Are there some qualities you especially like about yourself that he disapproves of or ridicules?
  44. When you've acted independently, has he sometimes called you a "women's libber" or "dyke"?
  45. Has he been in fist fights or hit other women he's been involved with?
If you have many "no" answers in questions 1 - 18 or many "yes" answers in questions 19 - 45, the man in question is probably abusive.
From: Getting Free by Ginny NiCarthy
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Types of Abuse
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Myths vs. Realities
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Links and Resources
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Support
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General Information
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