Here is my story. The events that lead up to my abortion and the feelings that go along with it.

In February of 1997, I met an old high school friend, Barbara. She had changed so drastically that I could not help but find a humor and friendship in her.
That was just the beginning.
Shortly after meeting her, I met a friend of a friend named DJ. He and I were very attracted to one another, but he was not going to invade on my space, because I was dealing with a horrible breakup. He and I became fast friends.
When Barbara met DJ, I do not know what she was thinking, but she became involved with him. They had a fling, but when he felt that she was being too possesive, he called it off.
That was to be the end of it, but not quite. About 2 weeks had gone by and DJ and I were quickly building up a fantastic relationship. I loved him very much, but we were just friends. That is when the light at the end of the tunnel became dark.
She called him one evening and told him that she was late starting her period. He asked why and she said "I think I am pregnant".
He could not believe it. He had been so careful, but she hadn't. Little did we know that she did this on purpose.
Basically, he asked her if she was ovulating and she said "No"...She lied, for she knew that she was due to start in 2 weeks. She felt that if she got pregnant with his child, he would stay in her life forever...after all, sex does equal love, in her eyes. Obviously, she was wrong. He told her that if she was pregnant, he would take responsibility for his actions, although he did not want any children at this time.
The next day, he took her to a crisis pregnancy center and they tested. Positive-she was pregnant and it was his child. They mentioned abortion and she said NO!
So that was a mute point. So the final decision was, they would keep the child and raise it.
While all this was going on, I was at work.
DJ called me and told me the "good" news.
I cried. For hours. How could this be happening to me!? Well, it was. I denied it for months. I could not believe it!
That night, DJ asked me to make a commitment to him. I said Yes.
What else could I do? I loved the man. So that is how our relationship started. I worked and he went to Doctors apointments with Barbara.
June 15th, I moved into my own apartment, and DJ came with me.
Since our relationship was getting more and more intimate, we both decided that if I happened to get pregnant while Barbara was pregnant, I would have an abortion.
No problem, I was not going to get pregnant...WRONG! Around July 1st, I got pregnant. But I did not know I was pregnant till August 7th.

DJ and I started making plans to have the procedure done. I called every clinic and asked so many questions and then I found a place that was very informative and they answered honestly and without hesitation.
So that is where I decided I would have it done. I went through a brief bout of morning sickness, but nothing that bad.
I wanted to be pregnant so bad. I would talk to the baby that was so little, but I knew somehow she knew what was going on.
I call her a she because in my recent dreams, my baby has come to me as a female. I have every reason to believe she was.
I named her Sam. Back to the story...
Now, at this time it had been about 5 months since I had seen Barbara. Well, I made the decision to talk to her. And I did.
I mentioned adoption to her. And then she made her choice.
It was done in complete selfishness, but I have no regrets.
I talked to Barbara about putting her baby up for adoption because if mine was going to die, I was not going to raise hers.
That is the only reason I talked to her about it.
She called DJ that night and they made their decision.
They would start looking for an adoption agency and the baby would be placed.
The morning of September 6th 1997, the morning after I spoke to Barbara about putting her baby up for adoption, I aborted my baby.

I went to the clinic with no problems, just a little anxiety, but nothing major.
I figured I could do this. There were protesters outside and they kept yelling out to me. Kind of a cry for help from within.
They were holding up posters of aborted children and all I could do was turn my head. They were not cruel, not directly, but indirectly, it was a stab in my heart.
I saw a variety of people at the clinic. Some looked to be well off, and I could not help but wonder "Why"?
I saw a woman who was already showing. I looked away. I did not want to face what I was about to do.
I cried and told DJ I couldn't do it, and he asked me what we were supposed to do. I was at a lost.
I was having this abortion for so many other people, but what about me?
I was not doing this for myself.
Nonetheless, I went through with it.
It was not frightening.
I changed out of my normal clothes and into the backless gown. I remember looking at the suction machine and that is when I started crying, but no one saw my tears. I hid them well. The doctor came in and talked to me and told me, non graphically, what was going to happen. He injected the anesthesia in my arm and that is when the numbness set in. I was not physically numb, but mentally, I was just there. I remember the slight discomfort when my cervix had to be manually dialated. It was like a menstrual cramp. Not to bad. The procedure was a total of five minutes. After my cervix was opened, all I felt was pressure in my lower back. I had no idea in my head as to what was going on. I had a wonderful Doctor who talked to me and made sure I stayed calm and there was a nurse there holding my hand throughout the entire ordeal.
When the procedure was done, I went into a recovery room and slept.
That is all I wanted to do was sleep.
The local anesthesia knocked me out cold.
When I was ready to go home, they told DJ I was ready and he met me outside of the waiting room.
The look on his face made me cry.
He was so relieved that I was okay.
So, we went home and I slept and ate.
DJ took very good care of me. It took about 12 hours for the medication to wear off and when it did, I then realised what I had done.
At about midnight that night, I remembered everything and all I could do was cry. It was like a ton of bricks. Knocked me right upside the head. DJ held me. What else could he do? I was racked with nightmares for months. Still to this day, I suffer from nightmares. Life seemed to go on, but it was very uneventful. I went from job to job. It seemed as though normal everyday activities became dull and not worth my strength. All I wanted was sleep. A way to escape what I was feeling inside. I continued my friendship with Barbara.
I played with the child she carried, and took part in that as much as I could.
I was living out my aborted pregnancy through hers.
The months went by very quickly and then the day of birth arrived. That was the hardest day of my life. She called and told DJ that the doctor wanted her to go in and they were going to induce labor.
We got to the hospital as her contractions were starting. everything was normal and at 6:30pm on December 9th 1997, Barbara gave birth to a healthy baby boy. DJ, well, he is hard to explain. As much as he did not want this child, he was still impressed at seeing someone born that was a part of him. But the pain of knowing that Barbara was the one to give it to him first will haunt me forever. She stayed for 3 days in the hospital and DJ and I were there all the time. I spent time with the baby, who I could not help but love because he was a part of the man I loved.
When the social workers came to do the signing, I played witness. I was there and I took some ounce of pleasure in seeing her give up her bastard child. She took the adoption well, and realised that she did what was in the best interest of that baby.
She and I remained friends for a while after all was said and done, but I could not get the visual out of my head.
All I saw was her pregnant. Every time I saw her. It became too hard on me to see her, so I ended our friendship.
Shortly before the ending of our friendship, she went to the Doctor and found out she had Hodgkins Disease, cancer of the lymphatic system.
She is undergoing chemotherapy and she is losing her hair. I cannot help but feel that this is justification for what I feel she did to me.
Had she not had this baby, she would not have gotten cancer. My feelings toward this whole thing, besides the anger and pain, is helplessness.
I know I could have made a different decision, but DJ is worth more to me than anyone in this world. I did this for him and his well being.
Granted, I did not have insurance, and I could not have maturely taken care of a child, but this reasoning is not good enough. My baby still died.
Sam was a sacrifice for the child that Barbara ca rried. And even he is not worth it.
I know what I feel is harsh, but if you were in my shoes, you would be able to relate.
Emotions are not rational and never will be. Mine have not been rational since.
I have my list of pros and cons as to why I aborted Sam. The pros are all logical and make sense.
If I had not done it, I could have lost DJ. Reason enough. And the cons are all emotional and make sense only to me, or so it seems. I took a grandchild from both our parents. I took a great grandchild from our grandparents. I took a daughter from DJ and myself. The emotions that followed the abortion were emotions I had never had to deal with.
I was feeling guilt for the first time in my life and I did not know and still do not know how to deal with it. I have passed a point where talking about the abortion does not bother me any more, and I can freely tell anyone about it.
I am not ashamed at what I did. I am ashamed that I had no respect for the life that I carried. I am angry that Barbara had no respect for the life I carried. (Emotions talking, as usual).
I resent her and the other child for even existing. For if it had not been for them, my Sam would have lived and that is what she deserves.

That is where my abortion story ends. Here is where another on begins.
After months of pain and hate and anger, I have tried desparately to grasp what holds me to the pain and anger and hate.
I have found it.
I have found that I need to forgive. But I have been in pain and I have hated for so long and I know nothing more.
But knowing is half the battle, right? At least I am taking a first step forward.
And I have to remember never to go back.

If you have any comments or questions or just need someone to talk to, email me at samsmommy@usa.net

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Night and Her Train of Stars Edward R. Hughes (1857-1914)