Sabotaging success. Psychotherapists have identified many common ways that people undermine
their own success. Some are easy to spot, others are quite subtle:
- Lacking a goal: Marlene E. defined success as earning a college degree.
She took courses intermittently for 20 years (and accumulated enough
credits for two degrees), but she never earned her bachelor's degree. The
problem? She was unable to decide on a field of study she wanted to
devote herself to. By not committing herself to one area, she made sure
she didn't succeed.
- Setting unrealistic goals: Some women sabotage themselves with
unattainably high goals. If you believe that success means being
awarded a Nobel Peace Prize, your chances of success are extremely
slim. Others set goals that seem insignificant upon achievement.
"Many women who don't believe they deserve to succeed set goals for
themselves that aren't truly challenging. Even though they achieve their
goals, they may feel unaccomplished and empty," Aquino explains.
-
Defining success inaccurately: Shelly S., an advertising-agency
copywriter in her late 20's, had written a hospital-promotion campaign
that her client accepted enthusiastically. The campaign was entered in
four industry-award competitions and earned first-place and
second-place awards. However, Shelly was unable to feel good about the
awards. Her supervisor, whom Shelly idolized, insisted the campaign
could have had "more punch." Because her supervisor didn't rave
about her work, Shelly was convinced that she had failed.
"In therapy, I try to help women measure the success of their efforts in
terms of how much they learned, how much satisfaction they gained or
how much closer to a major goal they moved. Women need to learn to
validate their own efforts, rather than count on others to validate
them," Aquino explains.
- Confusing "shoulds" and "wants": Many working mothers do what
they think they should do to please others, instead of what they truly
want to do.
Jan W., 37, was frustrated as a sales manager for a small distribution
company, but felt a great deal of emotional conflict when she received a
better offer from a larger firm. "I can't leave my firm. These people
gave me my first chance and they need me," Jan said.
Through participation in a women's network, Jan learned she was
basing her decision on what she thought was expected of her, rather
than on what she really wanted for herself.
"If you squander your time doing what you think others expect of you,
rather than invest your time pursuing your dreams, you're not likely to
feel the joy of achieving your goals. You may even resent others for
holding you back, when it's actually you who's creating your own
obstacles," Stephanie Kravec says.
Once Jan was able to sort out what she really wanted for herself, she
accepted the offer and has since been promoted within her new
company.
- Sidetracking yourself: Do you jump from one goal to another without
giving yourself a chance to succeed in any area? You may do so out of
fear of success.
- Focusing on shortcomings: Worrying about what you haven't
accomplished can keep you from enjoying any success you do achieve.
When Eileen C. earned her law degree, she set out to build a private
practice in criminal defense. During the first year, her practice grew
slowly, netting her only a small profit. She won a respectable number of
her cases, but felt she should have realized greater profits. She
concluded that she had failed.
In therapy, Aquino helped Eileen see that she was seeing the glass half
empty rather than half full. "Some goals can't be accomplished
overnight. It helps to focus on the overall direction of your progress
and to look at how far you are from the finish line," Aquino says.
- Not taking risks: At the age of 23, Leslie L., tall, slender and attractive,
felt depressed and helpless because she was making no progress toward
her goal of becoming a top fashion model. Yet she was taking no steps
toward achieving that goal. She had only a slim portfolio and rarely
auditioned for modeling jobs. Her belief that she would be miraculously
"discovered" was, in truth, Leslie's way of sabotaging her own success.
"You won't get that job, raise or promotion unless you let the
decision-makers know you want it," Kravec explains. "True, going after
something doesn't guarantee you'll get it, and it can lead to
disappointment, but not going after what you want ensures
disappointment."
- Attributing success to outside factors: When you earn that degree, gain
that promotion, save enough for that new house or get that industry
award, do you chalk it up to luck, being in the right place at the right
time or someone else's failure? If so, you're depriving yourself of the
fruits of your success.
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