Even if she/he doubts themselves, believe it.
People do not make up stories of abuse/assault.
Let the survivor know that you are open to hearing
anything he/she wishes to share.
Join with the survivor in validating the damage
and be clear that abuse is never the survivor's
fault. The way the survivor dresses or 'behaves'
is not a reason for the abuse.
Don't sympathize with the assailant.
The survivor needs your absolute loyalty.
Respect the time and space it takes to heal,
and encourage the survivor to get support.
Get help if the survivor is suicidal and accept
that there will very likely be major changes
in your relationship with the survivor as she/he heals.
Based on "Inside Scars"
Messages that are important for the survivor
to receive during the healing process:
*I believe you.
*It's not your fault.
*I'm interested in hearing more.
*Let me go through it with you this time.
*Tell me what you're remembering.
*How can I help you feel safe?
*It's a normal responce to a horrible experience.
*Help me understand.
*Nothing you can say will push me away.
*Feelings aren't rational, they just 'are'.
*I'd feel angry too.
*If there are things you don't
want to share with me, it's OK.
Messages that can sound blaming and discouraging:
*Did you try to stop the abuse/assault?
*Did you provoke it?
*Did you try to tell someone?
*Why didn't you try to do more at the time?
*Why were you in that situation in
the first place?
*Why do you think it happened to you?
*You can't blame others for your problems all your life.
*Aren't you over it yet?
*Can't we stop thinking/talking
about it for a while?
*We've all had bad things happen to us;
you are not special.
*That's not something I'd go around
talking about if I were you.
*Can't you just forget about it
and get on with your life?
*Pretend it never happened.
TAKE CARE
OF YOURSELF!
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