I always wanted to be beautiful as a child but I never felt I was...
I seem to be getting a little personal with some of the things I have been posting on here so I will soon be making a page... or maybe I should just get a diary and spare who ever it is that comes in here the boredom of my words. My words seem to be only interesting to me so I will keep them to myself. ... 12-7-98...
So, what happens when you set aside something you feel in your heart for the good of another person? How do you continue to sit in silence and put another person first? I think it comes naturally to me to put others first. Why not? The way we define ourselves is by who we know and what people think of us. No matter how you view the world there are always other people filtered into the picture. Being personal is what life is all about but how much of our person do we really share with other people? How well do they really know us?
These thoughts I have laying in bed at night seem to get longer and longer, maybe I'll make another page for them... but not today... today is 10-29-98 and I am unsure of myself again. One of my best friends told me that I am a "pillar of strength an d mercy" yesterday... I think that bothered me, or atleast it upset the way I think... I laid in bed last night for 2 hours, staring at the ceiling, crying my eyes out, which is something I have not done in years... I wanted to scream to him that no matter how strong I am I could never be strong enough... and I've never found mercy to be one of my best points... I'm a vindictive person... always have been..what makes him so different to be able to see me in such a light? Does he see the true me?
Lonliness is the key to life. Or atleast to my life. No matter how content I am, I feel alone in my life. I have many people who love me and I love them back. But no one seems to fill the pain in my heart. Either they fill the pain but they live 1,000 miles away, and I just end up pushing them away....or they live in town and reject me... human politics baffle me... I wish I could say that I don't need other people, that would make me the strongest person in the world... but I can't... I have defeated the demon inside of me, and realize that I can't make it on my own... but I can atleast travel a good ways on my own... I refuse to let myself depend on someone else when I've made it this far alone...
Last night I was laying in bed looking up at my dark ceiling and wondering if I could stop saying the words "ever", "never", and "forever" because those words cause so much heart ache. Nothing is so permanent that they can not be changed.
I am nothing that people expect me to be. I am myself. I am a dysfunctional X in a world of normality...shortened to simply dys X. I have made a promise to myself to know myself and not to hide anything from my eyes. I am a straight forward and blunt person. I'm going to tell you how it is exactly how I see it. Don't expect for me to beat around the bush... cause I might just chop the bush down.
Well, hello. My name is Emily in RT but most people call me Em. I'm a Scorpio, true blue..*grin*... I'm 18. I live in Roanoke, Virginia. (I don't think that will change any time soon). I have a Great Dane named Joe, two little black cats name Pandora and Marius(from Anne Rice's books), and a Bearded Dragon named Kaiser Wilhelm. The cats at my mom's house at Eros, Bragi, and Zack. They're all black. Its kinda a family tradition to have black cats. No, everyone in my family is not a witch. I'm the only one *grin*. So, the next thing I should probably put in here is my intrests. Well, I love dragons and faeries. I read Tarot cards quite often. I love to sleep (when my kittens let me).
Anne Sexton has probably been the most influencial poet in my life so far. I feel the pain she felt through her poetry. Some more modern poetry that I love is included in Tori Amos' songs. She is one of the most wonderful musicians in the world! Check out ani difranco.
There is are pics of Joe, Pandora, and I here... I'll get a pic up of Marius whenever I get the camera handy...
© 1997, 1998 erwin@roanoke.infi.net
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