IF MEN WERE IN CHARGE OF WEDDINGS

• There would be less "Oh Promise Me" and "Endless Love" and more "Louie, Louie" and "Mony Mony."
• There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" Party.
• The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
• There would be "Tailgate Receptions."
• Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear, The Burgandy or the Wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
• Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
• Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
• The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her ass.
• Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
• June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
• Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
• Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
• Big slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".
• Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
• Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
• Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up.
• Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
• No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
• The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.
• Invitations would read as follow... Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain... He's getting married. He either:
  A)knocked her up
  B)couldn't get a different roommate or
  C)caved in to her ultimatum.
  Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium on the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for beer, nachos and pizza. Oh yeah...B.Y.O.B.

E-mail: lisa.m.boden@lmco.com
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