You are probably wondering why I called this page "plm's mirror"? Many reasons for the title. I always wondered how come I was terrified of mirrors and windows that showed reflections. I now know why. Everytime I have looked in the mirror or through reflective glass, I see not only one set of eyes but many and I don't see the face that most see on the outside...I see many faces. My journey into healing from DID was not a smooth road. I am going to tell you as much as I can about me. I have denied my symptoms. I have denied my diagnosis and I have denied "The Crowd". Let me walk you through a few galleries in my mind.

I would like to tell you that I remember my life and I remember all the "happy" times...truth is I have absolutely no memories of my past before the age of 21. I always thought that the reason for the misplaced or absent memories was because I had such a joyful, loving, encouraging and fulfilled childhood that I didn't need to remember. Yes, some of you are probably chuckling and it is rather humorous. But it is how I have lived my entire 29 years. I have lived under the umbrella of denial.

For a very long time I believed that the voices I heard inside my head was what everyone heard and not remembering the time and the places and events was all part of growing up. Everyone dissociates to some degree, but, we dissociate to the degree of forgetting who I am and where I belong. I wish I could tell you about my life growing up...but it's impossible, at least impossible for me, Pam1. Others inside of "The Crowd" have all of those memories and it is up to me and the help of them and our therapist to help me remember those memories and heal. I would like to tell you what happened and how I felt when I was admitted into a hospital that treated dissociative disorders. I wasn't a very compliant patient. Quite frequently I would try to run. The running did nothing but exhaust me and keep me there longer. While in the hospital I wrote something and would like to share this with you.

"I believed that families are sacred and you don't do anything to hurt the people in them, no matter what. I also believed that I must be ever faithful, patient, responsive, forgiving and willing to take horrendous abuse without saying no. I built elaborate fantasies that turned people who abused me and left me into people who loved me and adored me. I chose to sneak around my parents and to sneak around myself. I could not tell the truth anywhere, to anyone. After 20 something years of silencing the feelings that could threaten the people around me, I no longer knew what I felt-only what I thought I was allowed to feel. I insisted on toughing life out on my own. I didn't know how to reach out when I felt alone. I pushed people away because I believed they had already gone away and I didn't want to seem like an idiot reaching out for help to someone who might hurt me or leave me. If I felt I could and believed that people care about me and wanted to help then I wouldn't have pushed them away. As a grown adult woman, I believed that I was loved because of what I did, not who I am or was. My survival depended on doing the right thing. If I made one wrong move I believed I would die. I had decided that I needed to grow up in a violent home in order for my soul to learn it's lessons. I have arranged myselves to fit the shape of my situation. I have lowered my expectations, I don't ask for what I need and I don't show the places that hurt or need comfort. I had to rely on myselves and only myself. If I faced my pain it would destroy me. I thought it best to keep silent to keep from hurting myself or anyone else. I believed that I am unworthy, unlovable, and too demanding. I decided to allow myself only the feelings I could do something about. Feelings that I could find a place for in my body. Feelings that would be acceptable. I had no choice but to live in that house and survive anyway I could. I swallowed my feelings, I blamed myself and I felt out of control. Why would I want to experience the pain of situations that I shut out the first time around? Why should I be open to them now? I don't remember the love, the acceptance, or the feelings that I mattered. I missed it the first time around and I will never get that chance again. It is as if my body is filled with novacaine and I live numb."

My only knowledge of me was not something that I was able to experience. You see long ago my body decided that it was necessary to protect me at all costs. The journey back has been a struggle but also rewarding. I know that this page doesn't speak much about the ins and outs of DID but that's because I am DID and I can't explain it. I only live it. I believe that as long as I continue to accept(which isn't always possible and is somewhat painful) the ideas and plans that are laid out for me...then maybe...just maybe...I will be Free 2 Dream. I have found people in my world that understand and accept us when we can't. My only wish is that someday, somewhere, someone will hear that lonely silent child and reach out and pick her up, listen to her, believe in her, and never let her go!