June 15, 2000----Too much has happened since I last wrote, I have moved out to be on my own and I do not have a computer. The email address is shut-down. And soon I will be deleting this site. Thank you all who have visited and signed my guestbook. I hope I helped someone. God Bless! ~Christina

September 26, 1999----Many things have happened since I last wrote. I moved out of my parents house and found my own apartment which I really love. I was able to bring my birds along, but I really would rather have been able to have my puppy, I miss her so much, so I go home often to see her. My eating disorder has returned and I am very happy about that, I feel so much better about myself when I can get this control back. On a bad note though, I was sexually assaulted by an ex-boyfriend about two weeks ago, and I am having a really hard time dealing with it. It has also brought up many of the emotions and memories that I deal with when I think about the time I was 5. I have told Rebecca everything and all of my doctors and close friends know and I have much support, but this really knocked me back quite far. I was checked by both my internist and my gyn, and they found many internal and external cuts and as well as internal bruising. I was given something for the pain and irritation and it seems to be helping, I go back in two weeks for another exam. So all I can do know is really focus on the situation and hope that I can at least be able to put it behind me, like I have been able to with the childhood trauma. None of this will go away, but at least it will not haunt me the way it was. I guess this is going to be shorter than I thought, I really thought I had a lot to catch up on. Oh yeah, my Lyme Disease has relapsed and my main Lyme doctor is taken forever in making a decision about what to do. First she wanted another round of IV treatment, then she wanted me to see another specialist who deals only with combining different medication and I refuse to take any more pills, it is sad that I take more pills than all of my grandparents. It is just a wating game now and when I am feeling up to it, I try to do as much as possible to keep my life going, but now that I am on my own, it is hard when you only need a small thing and there is no one who is right there to get it for me, when I am having trouble walking or even sitting up. I hope to find something out soon and if it is not something I am willing to go through, then I am prepared to be sick and get worse and argue with the doctors until they come to there senses, I have no problem with the IV therapy again, but for some reason, they feel that living alone and getting the treatments are not a good idea. This seems really stupid to me since even when I was living at home, I was by myself most of the time anyway and I will still have a visiting nurse twice a week, plus it is not like I do not know how everything works. Everything right now is just very frustrating, and there have been many days when I have not left the apartment for a week at a time. But I guess that is life and you have to handle what you are given. Okay, I think that is really all for now. Take care.

July 8, 1999----Well I have been out of another hospitalization for about three weeks now. I was put into Friends Hospital in Philadelphia, PA. I was in a program that has now moved called "The Sanctuary". It mainly dealt with PTSD, so I did not feel that I really got anything out of it because I am doing well and have gotten relatively far along in my recovery. Still the program is very good and the grounds at the hospital were beautiful. Right now I am doing what I can to control my eating disorder. I am on a medication called Zyprexa, that made me gain a lot of weight and I am having a hard time dealing with it, but now that my doctor is slowly taking me off it I feel a bit better. I have been on it for some time now, but I was on a high dose, and that is what caused the weight gain. So other than that, I have been doing pretty good, I had a great July 4th weekend. We took our boat out and it was a blast. I have also been spending time with a very sweet friend of mine, Kathy. She is a doll and we have fun together. We just saw the South Park movie and if you like the show, you will love the movie, Cartman is the best. I also got two new tattoos, that makes four all together, but they are all very feminine and in pretty places, so I don't want anyone to think I am some sort of tattoo freak and covered in them or anything. Well not much else is going on, I am still seeing my therapist, Rebecca, she is the best and I am still dealing with the Lyme disease. I want to be a bone marrow donor, but I do not know if they will take me because of Lyme. I guess that is about it for now.

May 10, 1999----I have not written in so long, I am sorry but thankful to any one who cares and actually reads all of this. Anyway, the last time I posted was the day or so that I found out that I was going to be put in the hospital for my anorexia. My doctors did not think I would make it through the night at 113 pounds. I felt great and I still think I looked great, but everyone else still tells me otherwise. So I was there for a month and met two of my best friends that I could ever ask for, Donna and Kelly. They are two of God's most beautiful creatures ever created. After I got out, I had to follow a contract, so I joined a bowling league as something to fulfill an outside activity. Then I got a job and worked for two months until the place drove me crazy. Then a few weeks later, I had another suicide attempt, although I was not actually trying to die, I just wanted to get away for a while and not feel anything. Unfortunately, I forgot all the fun stuff like the tube down the nose and the charcoal being pumped into my stomach and all. I was put up in the psych ward for a few weeks and that is where I met another amazing person, my therapist Judith. She was the best thing that could have ever happened to me, I still miss her terribly. During all of this, I even managed to maintain a relationship with a great guy named Rob, it was two months yesterday that we actually started dating. He is such a cutie. I battle everyday with my eating disorder and I always lose, and end up eating. I hate how much I weigh although everyone says I have never looked so good and healthy. I hate that word, to me healthy means "fat" and the fact that I weigh the same as my skinny boyfriend kills me, although he likes me the way I am and does not want me to lose any weight. My psych meds have been changed a number of times since the last time I wrote and they seem to be doing something, although I do not think they are actually helping me at all because I have been a misrable mess for the longest time now. I was also given a new diagnosis, I am now also a Bi-Polar or Manic-Depressive person. Let me just tell you how thrilled I was when I got yet another label to add to my list. I take more medications throughout the day than my grandparents, it is disgusting. I have been very upset for the last week with Rebecca, we are working on very hard things dealing with the abuse and it really hurts to deal with it, but I got mad at her because my appointments with her were all screwed up by her office. My shrink wanted to see me again this week, but I am refuseing, I cannot stand seeing her more than I have too, all I get is some stupid lectire about whatever is wrong with the way I am thinking. Well I guess that is about all I that has been going on over the last few months. Oh yea, I have now been also determined as permanently mentally disabled. Can I just tell you how happy that made me? Please know that I am just kidding. I cannot seem to hold down a job for any length of time, who knows about this relationship, it seems like I will never be able to get out and live on my own. My parents did say though that they were going to build a small apartment like thing for me when they add the addition on to the house. That I have to say was the nicest thing they could have said. They have actually been very supportive and have even looked into another hospital for me to go too where supposedly they are great at getting medications and everything straigtened out. I do not know what is going on with that. Today is the last day of my bowling league, our team came in last and we are very proud considering all the changes and missing people that our team had to deal with. I did join a summer league though with some people I have become friends with at this league and we start next week. Other than that, I cannot tell you where I am headed or what my life is going to amount too, all I know is that everyday is a struggle to get out of bed. Actually the last two weeks have been the hardest and the only time I did get out of bed was to see my shrink, my mom drove me. I guess that is all for a while. Thanks for stopping by.

December 15, 1998----It is ten days until Christmas now and ever since last month, things have gotten even worse, with the exception of one event and that great event was caused by my very special friend Meredith, if it were not for her and the fact that I love her so much, I am not sure where I would be now. I went off of my IV medication because of the problems I thought the doctors were causing me last month and then I ended up with a blood clot in the line so they had to pull it, but that was after I got out of the hospital for what they are now saying is Anorexia. I do not think there is a problem, I mean I know my life is in shambles right now and I am losing weight mainly deliberately, but I don't see it as a problem. I am slightly happy with myself right now because I weigh lower than my goal weight which was 120 (the doctors say I should be at least 145 to 150---Not in this lifetime!) and today I was down to 113. I am going for 110 and maybe even lower if I can, unfortunately my doctors are very concerned and a long hospital stay seems to be my threat. Dr. O'Donnell is very, very concerned and I can see that she really cares because she looks so upset everytime I see her and she lets me know honestly that I look worse everytime I see her which now is every two weeks. Rebeccca is doing what she can and I know it is very frustrating and difficult for her too. She has dealt with my other issues, especially the Borderline Personality Disorder, but she never really specialzed in eating disorders, although she is learning a lot from me. I know Dr. Elynne also cares a lot and she has told me so in phone conversations, especially since I decided that I wanted to stop getting my periods and maybe become unable to have children. I know I am too young to be thinking about children now, but I do not want to bring a child into this world especially if they are subjected to any of the things that I have been through. Everyone says that they wish could do something for me and I feel bad when people who really care about me, like Rebecca, Dr. O'Donnell, Dr. Elynne and Meredith (the four people that I wish I could have with me at all times) say things like they wish they could do something to take this all away from me. It is really sweet of them to say, but I like the way I am right now and I have no desire to change my ways at the moment. I was also in a car accident just a week ago and it shook me up really badly. I was not hurt or anything, but now with the way I am feeling I still wish I had died in that accident. Dr. O'Donnell told me she was going to call Miriam today my psychiatrist and tell her about my weight and tomorrow I have to go and see Miriam, I am not looking forward to it. I am so scared right now that someone is going to try and take control of my life just because of my weight, and I cannot handle it, nor do I have any idea where my life is headed or if I am ever going to get better from any of my illness'. I seem to be falling further and further into a deep hole and I cannot see the light at the top of it anymore. It is only when I get to see my four most favorite people that I feel good and that my life is worth living because I would miss Rebecca, Meredith, Dr. O'Donnell and Dr. Elynne so much, that it hurts and upsets me to think of not having them in my life. I really do not know what to say anymore, there are a million things going through my head, but I would bore everyone with it. I added a new poem to my poetry page it is called "Food" I wrote it on the 12th of this month. I want to wish everyone a happy holiday season and a wonderful new year. And Meredith I know you wrote to me that if I really cared I would eat healthy for you so you will not worry--but please do not be mad at me or hate me if I cannot--I adore you and you mean very much to me, I do not want to jeopardize my connection with you, I wish only that it continues growing and that no one else leaves me or hates me just because I am having a rough time and cannot seem to get a hold on my life. I love you all.

November 18, 1998----My life is a living hell right now, I just got out of the hospital because I was dehydrated and malnourished--they keep saying I am anorexic--but that is bull--I control my weight and what does or does not get ingested in my body. I know I have lost a lot of weight over the past few months and except for this last incident where I was having trouble breathing I am totally fine. But of course none of my doctors agree and all they do is harass me about my weight and everything, I am not sick. My primary doctor now is threatening to take away my IV treatment for my Lyme Disease just because I do not want and do not need to see her every week. My lyme doctor said now that I am on a different medication I really do not need to see her, as long as I get my bloodtests done 3 times a week. So now I am angry, hurt and frustrated. I talked to my doctor this morning and she will not budge because she is using my Lyme Disease as a double motive to get me in the office and weigh me every week. Do they think that I am that stupid and that I do not know how to get around things like that--they have not known my true weight for the longest time and now no one will ever know. I had just gotten over some trust issues with my therapist because she is responsible to tell my psychiatrist if I am causing myself harm, and now my regular doctor has started this stuff all over again. I stopped my IV treatments and have missed 5 so far since I became pissed at my doctor yesterday when I saw her. I told her that if she is going to be a bitch about this and take away an important medication for a disease that is very serious just because she wants to weigh me once a week--by the way the two have nothing in common--she is just using her authority to control me--then I no longer want it and I want all of the medication and supplies picked up ASAP as well as getting this horrible central line that I have had since the end of August taken out immediately--I will do it myself if she does not get back to me sometime tomorrow, it is not hard to do. I am just so mad at everyone for constantly being on my back and trying to control my life that I cannot take it anymore. I just want to disappear and have nothing to do with anyone.

October 14, 1998----Well not much has changed from the last month, I mean health wise. I am still on IV Therapy for my Lyme Disease, it will be almost 2 months in about a week or so. I get sick every weekend it seems and it is a reaction from the Lyme, but one doctor told me that until I can go one month without having a reaction then I will need the IV. I also had to get all of my organs checked out because the medication is so strong. All of my doctors and my therapist are on my back because my weight is still dropping, as of today I am 121, but with the female situation right now, I am hoping I will really be less because I look huge and it feels disgusting. They are all either threatening me or always discussing the hospital--but I will not go, I do not have a problem, I feel fine except for the Lyme and I do not look emaitiated or have circles under my eyes or am pale or experiencing anything of the dangerous symptoms that can occur. I will run away before they can put me in a place that I do not belong. I have been out of the hospital for well over a year now and I am going to stay that way. I did ,however, send Meredith Vieira a present that I made for and I saw it in her dressing room on the show one day, but I just wish I would or could talk to her or see her and see if she liked it, or just something. I have been very depressed more than usual again lately but watching her on the show makes me feel so wonderful everyday. I love you Meredith, you are my strength and my idol. I wish I knew if she remembers who I am, oh well nothing I can do. So for the last few weeks now all I do is spend my time in bed and constantly going to a doctor or some sort of bloodwork or test, hey thats life I guess.

September 15, 1998----September 9th was the best day in my entire life, I got to go see a live taping of "The View" one of my most favorite shows on ABC, but not only that, I got to meet Meredith Vieira--she is the most beautiful, wonderful, caring person I have ever met, I actually started to cry when I was talking to her and when she left I missed her and my legs almost gave out. She has been my favorite person on that show from the day it aired and now she will always have a special place in my heart. A few weeks ago I also got to see Shania Twain in concert, I cried then too because I love her too and her show was the best I have ever seen, I am sorry for saying that Reba. I also met a great new guy that I am hoping will stick around. Other than that, I have not been feeling so great, my IV treatment started on the 28th of August and has been going fine, but I have not been feeling that well from it, I get tons of blood work done every week and it is is getting harder and harder to take because my veins are getting weak. My primary doctor, Dr. O'Donnell, is the best I love her and she really cares about me, she is pretty, she listens to everything I tell her and understands what I am going through. I also saw my other favorite MD today, Dr. Elynne, I adore her, she is beautiful, caring, understanding, gentle and so easy to talk too, I think she understands my past better than anyone I just get that feeling from her, I always wish I could hug her everytime I leave her--I really love both of them a lot--Dr. Elynne though is quite concerned along with Rebecca because I have been losing weight and am very happy about it, my anorexia is in full swing, it has been for about two months now, and I am down right now to 129 lbs. as of today at 5'10". I am not sure how far this is going to go, but I'll take it one day at a time. The next thing coming up besides my birthday is another trip into the city to see "Ragtime" on Broadway, we bought our tickets over a month ago and my mom and I are so excited. Well I think that is about all for this month--except I want to tell Meredith and Shania how much I really love them and how much they have helped me in ways they will never understand--I know I am being silly, like they will ever see my page, but it is mine so I can say what I want!!

August 7, 1998----Well my life has been totally up and down this past month, I am dating again and like one guy imparticular very much, I just hope I don't screw it up with him because he is wonderful. I had one of my Lyme doctors approve me for the IV treatment that I need and am just waiting on the others, so that is a positive. Unfortunately, it will make me very sick and because of my suicidal tendencies, I could be put into a hospital and the reaction from the start of the IV will last at least a month--but Rebecca knows it all and I will tell her when things are feeling dangerous. I also have my cousin Hannah back in my life which is very important to me, I have always admired her and we get along so well, but were separated for way to long. I had a short but wonderful vacation to the shore and it was a blast and very relaxing. I have many more doctors appointments this month as usual, but I know they are doing what they can to help me. I also got to see Michele B.--"My Light"--it was the happiest moment in my entire life--I have missed her and love her so much. Next week I am also going to get to spend time with Rose--I cannot wait--she is one of the most special people in my life. I have also made two new incredible friends who are very special and important to me Karin & Tina--thanks for being there--I love "KTC"! I think that is all that has happened for now. I will write more soon and thanks for reading my stories.

July 8, 1998----Things have been much better these past few days, I am back on my psych meds, the doctor put me on something new and although it has only been a few days, I am feeling better, well a little, I still cut myself last week thought. I guess the only reason I am feeling better for now is because I met a nice guy, and I have been longing to date again, it gives me something to do, someone to be with, and it is just really nice right now. On the down side though when I am not doing anything or am with anyone, I still get very depressed and have wanted to cut often, but I don't want this new guy to see those kind of marks on my arms--I guess in a way, having someone to go out with is good because it stops me from being self destructive. So it is still very much an up and down game and trying to deal with all of these issues is very scary, but I told Rebecca that I need to almost be forced to talk about things I don't want to otherwise never will and no good will come out of that. So we are trying, she is such a wonderful person.

June 29, 1998----I have officially been off of all my meds for 67 days and I have been heading downhill ever since the first month passed. My therapist strongly suggested that I go back to the shrink, so I did and now she has decided to try Prozac for me. I am hesitant but will take it. It's just that I have been so suicidal over these past few weeks, that I would rather end it than have to go through more meds that probably will not work. This is a short update because I am not even in the mood to think right now, I just want to lay down and die.

June 10, 1998----Well this month I started cutting my wrists up again, I did it because I am just so mad that no one seems to be helping me feel better physically or mentally. I know that in some ways I have to help myself, but if I don't know how to do that then I will be stuck like this forever. My therapist thinks maybe I should see the shrink again, but I hate her and I refuse to go on more meds that are only going to make me feel like a zombie after a few weeks. My ups and downs are really drastic and when I am down I am really down, but when I have something to do things seem pretty okay. Stacie says that at least I am acting like my old self and not sedated or anything. Unfortunately though there have been some majors problems with a few of my close cousins and it has really been hard for me to handle and I have been having suicidal thoughts as a result as well as haunting memories of the abuse again, so when my friend Amy hears me talk, all I seem to do is worry her and I really don't mean too. But I never get enough time to see my therapist and nothing seems to be getting accomplished lately, I always seem to leave there angry and upset.

May 2, 1998----I am honestly in one of the deepest depressions I have ever been in. I also found out that I now have Lyme Disease as well as a serious infection which is from the Lyme, plus a new heart problem that I was never aware of. I have been physically sick now for about a year and have been told that the medication is going to make me feel worse before I feel better. I have been eating a little better than I was and it has been two weeks since I cut myself, unfortunately my last cuts were so bad that I now have scars. I am on guard with myself at all times because I am very suicidal, but I am fighting to keep from doing anything stupid. I have once again taken myself off of all of my psych meds, but this time, at least for now, I am actually feeling better. I hate feeling like the meds are controlling me and making me feel like a zombie. Other than that everything has been okay, I guess, I just participated in the Walk for Multiple Sclerosis and my team raised almost $1000 for the cause, so I am very proud. I am sorry I have not been in touch with all of the wonderful people that have signed my guestbook, but I would like to thank them for their kind words. Take care and please visit anytime.

March 30, 1998----I have passed my 1 year mark for the first time with the same therapist. It made me both happy and scared, because I still continually feel that at any moment, Rebecca is going to tell me she is leaving. My eating disorder has been back for a while, I either starve myself, eat a little or a lot and then take as many laxatives as I can. I have also started to self mutilate again---I do this quite often, when I am angry either at myself or someone else. Plus, it just does not hurt anymore, at least while I am doing it and I do still get enjoyment when I see my own blood rise through my skin. There are a few guys sort of in my life that I like, but the one I like most does not want a serious relationship right now, so I still get upset over him. Other than that, I have been keeping busy, writing in my journal and cleaning up a stream that is close to my house. There has been talk of putting me back in the hospital, but I am fighting it, I have too much other stuff that I need to do, my health has not been that great and I have been undergoing a lot of testing. Rebecca right now wants me in a day program, I still have to go for the intake interview and I am not looking forward to it.

That is all for now, please continue to come back whenever you can.

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