"she's
as shady as cheap sunglasses
but as perfect as this october monday passes"
- michelle lewis
i am anyone. i am your next door neighbor, i am your saturday night slut, i am everything in between. i am nothing special, i am more than special.
nowhere and everywhere at the same time.
i try to do the creative thing, i don't always succeed. i've decided that this section of the site will change with the weather; and in texas it can be as indecisive as me. i'm anti-social [the nice word for recluse] and scared. i'm loud when i'm depressed ["because depression is anger turned inward," a wise one once told me]. i'm loud when i'm angry and silent when i'm happy. i feel old. i feel a site re-design coming on. let's see, this makes 5? i think it might be time i get rid of the pointless sarah page. i'm gonna re-do this page sometime soon also... too much crap, way too much. i'm oh-so-slowly crawling out of my ...i'm oh-so-slowly trying to do that complete honesty thing, and not give a flyin' flip about anyone else. pure selfishness, but this is the kind they call good : raw. i'm too much of a chameleon, i try to fit nicely into whoever's personality i'm exsisting with at any given time. i still want... oh, what's the use? but i saw her... some of that poetry needs to go also, it's so old. i write lots, yet still retain my bad grammar. perhaps it should be called dialect. i bullshit my way through things often. i'm here and queer. i want to be known, i want recognition, i want a british blue cat, i want to meet sarah, i want jenni. and not in that order. i hate the way musicians, actors and the like get all the attention, and the only authors you ever hear about are the ones who had their book made into a movie. and i'm a hypocrite because sarah is, sadly, such a huge part of my life. [she's going, she's going... i'm such a liar...] i'm a libra by chance - i was born 3 months early, weighed 2 pounds. surviving is my only acomplishment. i tell people the reason i was so small is that my mom was strung out on crystal meth [thus, my first name, crystalynn], but, truth is that she'd had an abortion before concieving me, and i guess it fucked her up a little [and, she likes stevie nicks, thus, my first name, crystalynn, which comes from the song "crystal"]. i'm pro-choice. i go by nikki because nicole is french, just like my last name, go figure. libra is the sign of balance. balance is something that can be found in almost all aspects of life, and is a huge part of mine. i freak without it. "charm" is a quality many libras possess. i prefer that word to "suck up," which is usually what i am, but hey, it gets me places, places i'm not getting to any other way. how cliché. i don't believe in much of anything [other than astrology, and the faeries, of course, i'm a good toriphille]. i totaled my car a recently, but you don't need to know that. i think the 2 ana's are real purdy. i want to travel, i want to see canada and england and scotland.. i guess i should get someone else to drive. i'm medicated. i'm random. i like those skinny, cute little capri cigarettes... but not too often. i bitch too much. i complain to have something to say [?], to fill that damn silence that doesn't bother me, but freaks everyone else out. i have no idea what i want to do a week from now, much less in the future, but i'd love to have some of my writing published. what are the odds? slim to none. i think it's an atrocity that gay marriages are still not legal, it's almost comparable to slavery. i'm often a whiny, spoiled brat [comes with being an only child, or so they tell me]. i think ani difranco is beautiful. i think this grrl who wants to be her is, too [i *still* think that, it's impossible to change my mind. hope she never comes across this page, it'd be too obvious...ohh, i saw her, yes i did! don't ask]. i wonder if anyone has read this in its entirity? i think it's too late to comprehend. i really should get out more. i don't think people realize how odd i am about getting away from here. alice hoffman writes run-on sentences. or mebbe she's just introspective. i feel like janeane garafalo's character in "the truth about cats & dogs". i never go to parties. and now i'm closer to 800 miles than the taken girl. i think it's quite ironic that there are [at least] 4 people in my family that are gay, yet my dad insists gays make up less than 1% of the population. i love the way canadians say "about." i hate the way that i'm a sarcastic bitch when i'm supposed to be loving. i think of who i need to email as i try to fall asleep. [but lately it's people... i have this fun ability to decide what - or who - i'm gonna dream about]. i hate waking up. i hate 6am - 10am. i hope i don't die this summer when they break my jaw. i'm seriously considering a writin' me a living will, just in case, ya never know. if i were to die today i'd be quite unsatisfied with what little i've acomplished. i won't be happy until there is a book in my hand that originated from my hand. [but don't worry, jenni, i'll try my best not to die].
...ah, but i digress...