Will: Yeah, but this girl is like, you know, beautiful. She's smart. She's funny. She's different from most of the girls I've been with.

Sean: So, call her up, Romeo.

Will: Why? So I can realize she's not that smart, that she's fuckin' boring? Y'know -- I mean ... this girl is like fuckin' perfect right now, I don't wanna ruin that.

Sean: Maybe you're perfect right now. Maybe you don't wanna ruin that. I think that's a super philosophy, Will, that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody.

from Good Will Hunting

~ ~ ~

I remember the rage in his face as he screamed, baited and threw punches at his brother. I don't remember now what they were even fighting about, but I recall with clarity the look in his eyes. I was sitting watching with their sister in the sequestered silence of the kitchen. The blood dripped from his brother's face and from his hands. He won, as per the norm; his brother absconded for days.

~ ~ ~

We never spoke about this particular fight it just never came up. He told me everything from the beatings his father inflicted on him, his brother and sister to fights in the defense of his sister, drug dealing, cop beatings, dreams; he shared everything with me perhaps he had shared too much.

~ ~ ~

He had a wicked curve ball, the local legend but as with many dreams they come crashing down. One random night he shared his joy of playing ball and how they all said he showed promise and future. And how he was referred to as a worthless piece of shit after it all crashed. He never looked at me during his tale he just spoke or confessed. He softened that night and curled up and slept in my arms as a child would.

~ ~ ~

I assume he felt too vulnerable after that, he had exposed himself and regretted it. With every confession he disclosed that he'd never shared that with anyone, especially a girl. A girl you know would never understand. (*Sarcasm*)

~ ~ ~

I don't know what he saw in me or why he had pursued so strongly before we eventually dated. I turned him down for months yet he would not give up till I gave in, which I eventually did. I'm not interested in dating anyone I pleaded, not you or anyone. We chatted for hours over a few pints of bass ale. He looked so cute in his big fuzzy sweater I simply gave in.

~ ~ ~

He knew everybody, anywhere we went he knew someone. "Hey, hey how ya doin" it never failed. I would smile and he would introduce me, "this is MY girl," he would say proudly. He'd return his pages from my house, "Oh yeah, I'm at MY girl's house", or "No man, I'm spending time with MY girl". I can still hear him saying it. He would say it with a smile.

~ ~ ~

My mother adored him. She had no idea of his violent nature or all the things he had done, no one did. Not even his mother who would bail him out of everything knew of his doings. I envied his relationship with his mom; my mother would let me rot and burn and did.

~ ~ ~

He was a choirboy growing up with blond curls and blue eyes. Charming as hell he was and probably still is to all he meets. He never tried to charm me, as he was just himself. That is what was so special I suppose he let me see the ugliness and emotional scabs we carry around hidden below the surface.

~ ~ ~

He and I had codes we'd page each other with, which really isn't out of the norm yet he had a time bomb code as well. He'd page me when he was in a rage, he'd look to me to talk him out his anger and seemingly I always did. Sooth the savage beast right? These conversations lasted 10 - 20 minutes and always ended with him back to a calm state. I hadn't said anything special, I listened to what he felt and helped him rationalize his rage, his fears, and he would talk himself through it.

~ ~ ~

We never spoke of love or feelings, looking back I can't even understand our relationship. It was hardly romantic or sexual even. We were caring and somewhat protective of each other to some degree. It was an odd relationship; it sometimes felt as if we were quite old and married for sometime already.

~ ~ ~

We rarely touched or even spoke together in circles at social gatherings, he'd socialize and I'd socialize separately meeting every once and a while during the course of the evening. It didn't seem odd at the time, I felt we were just comfortable and confident in our relationship. I never questioned anything and neither did he.

~ ~ ~

He showed me his extensive gun collection on our second date. It had been a test I found out later on. To his surprise I was a better shot than he was.

~ ~ ~

He was a reckless driver or maybe careless. He was always getting into accidents it was never a surprise to hear about them. It wasn't even a surprise when he paged me to say he had been in an accident with my car, the car I lent him because his was being fixed from the last crash. I didn't even ask if he was ok, "how bad is it?". I didn't even realize until much later what I had done. I hadn't been concerned with how he was, he was calling me so I assumed he was fine and he was. The car wasn't it was nearly totaled with only 10,000 miles. I was angry at his carelessness not at the car's damage. I knew how he drove and sure enough he was 80% at fault.

~ ~ ~

He taught me how to fish that first summer.

~ ~ ~

He stopped speaking when I had told him we should remain merely friends at that moment so that we could be at least that. We had only fought twice during our relationship that being the last. He had shared too much of himself by that point. And if I weren't in his inner circle I'd be nowhere.

~ ~ ~

"You know I love you right?" were his last words to me.

~ ~ ~

I saw him some months after that at a business function and we went on with our lives acting as if we had never met. He socialized on his own as did I but we did not meet to chat over a pint nor did he refer to me as "my girl".

the rules of baseball