growing pains
The past few days have been for the most part on an upswing. I've been plagued with terrible migraines and headaches I guess this is how I process stress. I'm not sure which is worse the headaches or the stomachaches. I am the one to internalize that is simply how I deal with things. If someone takes the time to know my many sides and moods they would be able it see with ease that I'm either happy or not. So that is the question of the day am I happy?
I don't even know, I mean there are things that make me happy and I can't say I am sad, angry or even depressed about anything. I'm just sort of here; I am a semi-active participant in my life. That is not really living is it? Or is this all there is to this life. I'd hate to believe that.
I believe that work has become a major stress in my life. It is not that work is too taxing, or that I'm working too much, I have good bosses on the whole, a lovely office, my own desk, space, and enormous drafting table, I'm respected and seemingly appreciated for my talents. So what's the problem? I ask myself that every day that I have to talk myself into getting the shower, into my clothes and to the car and subsequently the office.
I am resentful of my designs be passed off as someone else's and I sometimes find it hard to swallow listening to someone else describe my work incorrectly to a client. I am sickened at the fact I have to keep my mouth shut and put on my "interested happy face" because it is what is expected of me. I suppose I am tired of "paying my dues" and I do not know why I am not feeling up to starting on my own. I'm not sure if I enjoy what I do because I truly love it or because I have a natural ability for it and I can put in 40% of myself and still be leagues ahead. I don't wish to appear big headed but that is merely the way it is and the way it has always been for my design work and as it relates to myself.
It was that way at school and it is that way now. My best friend and roommate at school told me that she resented the lack of effort I had to put in…although I may mention I had to work my arse off in my liberal arts classes whereas she did not. But that was just the way it was and it seemed fair to me.
My boss recently commented, "Oh I just thought you might as well do it, they're going to pick yours anyway so why should I bother." When I left a note for her to elaborate on her vision for a new project we were going to work on together so I could prepare a presentation. I would be lying if I said that didn't rub my ego just the right way but if I am here to learn and be challenged then compete with me, make me work my arse off, make me want to do something better than I have before. So if I'm not learning anything and I'm not being challenged and I'm apparently not as happy as I'd like to be why do I stay?
This is what I have come up with:
1. I could go somewhere else and have the boss (es) from hell.
2. The small fish big pond theory.
3. I could hate the new people I'd have to work with.
4. Country setting or city setting.
5. Same state or new state.
6. Same field or different field.
7. Is work my problem or am I discontented on a more personal level?
8. It'll look like crap on my resume.
9. I'd have to put a new portfolio together.
10. I have no clue of what I do want, only what is not currently making me happy.
I met a client yesterday at her new house that should be done sometime this fall. She was thrilled at the turnout of colors on the exterior and interior of the house. This came as a relief for me because getting here has not been easy, between the numerous changes and the brick wall I constantly have to deal with known as her builder. Seeing the joy and contentment in her face made me quite happy. I was happy not because of my ego, but because I had directly been the cause of the current happiness in this woman's life. Those are the moments that make me think I should remain exactly where I am. Not to mention the fact I love the location of my office, not the commute but I could always move. (I really should move)
I was glowing in satisfaction until my client (who is a personal referral btw, so we have a friendship outside of our business relationship) asked about work and my bosses and the like. These questions were normal for her to ask me time to time but at that moment I chose to be completely honest and open rather than polite. So rather than saying, "oh yes all is well, blah blah blah" I told her the truth, "I'm enjoying what I am doing, but I fear I have outgrown my place of work sooner than I had anticipated."
Well, there it is…growing pains.