I've taken quite sometime now to truly analyze my reasoning for taking time I don't really have to do all this. The obvious reason that came to mind was:

1. Some sort of lacking satisfaction for my ego and/or id.

Yet, on a deeper level I do enjoy writing, although it has come to me with less ease than it had in my younger years it seems to be back on an upward keel these days.

It gives me peace.

I've chosen to take an honest look at myself, my actions in the past; and how they relate and shape the actions and my reactions of my future. I relive the events of history that have shaped my personality and search for that crucial moment that left that fragile crack deep within my soul. I wonder if it had always been there and this life is merely a journey for me to correct that of which was miscalculated in a time long gone. I have found that my life is a series of deeply entwined circles that follow me where ever I go, these circles that I have unsuccessfully run from in the past now present themselves as events that I now choose to face and exhaust.

Some days are seemingly easy to swallow but these days that disguise themselves as happy and joyous gifts seem deemed to return. They revisit to challenge and exhaust me and I am left curious to see my level of strength grow to take on these occurrences.

I am the catalyst in other people's lives.

I've challenged this fate to see the possibilities of an alternate route I could take. As I fight for some thing different I am brought back to right where I began. I have become amused by this phenomenon of my predetermined life. I do not feel that I am limited in choices, because I am not; it has delivered to me many trinkets of possible choices to alter my existence.

I am appreciative of the advantages this lifetime has blessed me with; I am healthy, I have shelter and I have always been able to survive the events that were handed to me to contend with. There have been losses that I deal with, sometimes on a daily basis. They are reminders for me to keep the changes ongoing and to create something longstanding and memorable in this lifetime of mine.

I am not unique in this respect but I contend with such on a conscious level.

Some days are paralyzing, they seem to seize the momentum and ease of my journey. These days leave me in a vacuum of sorts and I am naked and unarmed. However, these nightmarish moments are stepping-stones to a brighter and more serene existence. They leave me reflective and closer to a regained freedom that is constantly lost in the shuffle of time.

Characters are introduced patterned and evolving making their way in and out my revolution and sometimes their abrupt yet unsurprising departure leaves me withered and empty.

…I am.