AMANDA: I, too, am a birthmother. I became pregnant in January 1996, as a result of rape. I wish to God I could have kept my daughter, regardless of how she ended up there.

GhostDancer: I also wish that society had made it possible for you to keep your daughter, Amanda, rather than making it so easy for you to lose her.

AMANDA: I considered abortion. I couldn't kill my child. I loved her too much. I couldn't provide her with a childhood like she deserved.

GhostDancer: It is sad that society leaves women only these two options: to "kill" her child as Amanda puts it or to lose her to adoption. I'm working towards a society in which a mother is not forced to lose her child in either way -- a society that will help mothers keep their children.

To the issues of abortion: I'm glad that women have that choice. I'm glad that Amanda had the choice and was not forced either way concerning her pregnancy.

AMANDA: She was innocent. Why should she have to worry about where dinner was coming from each night, or if she would eat at all. I had an older son to look out for, too. Why should I make him worry about those things when he was also an innocent. I was scraping to provide for him.

GhostDancer: Why indeed! Why should a woman be given so little help that she must lose her child because of lack of food? This should NEVER, EVER happen!

AMANDA: He was planned, no accident, no rape. I love my daughter, but I had to make the best decision for all of us.

GhostDancer:I don't really understand why Amanda feels that an unplanned pregnancy should lead to adoption, but I hope that some day this notion will be obsolete.

As to the issue of rape, abortion, and adoption: Adoption and rape are two very traumatic experiences for a woman to have to endure, I know this first hand. I think it would be very cruel to force a woman to endure a pregnancy that resulted from the traumatic experience of rape, and then to compound the rape victim's trauma with the trauma of losing a child to adoption.

I'm glad Amanda had the choice. Clearly for Amanda her pregnancy was not a constant reminder of the trauma of being raped, but it might be an unbearable reminder for other rape victims to have to live with. As Amanda says, she loves her daughter and was hurt by the decision to give her child up for adoption. I think it is wrong to compound the trauma of rape with the trauma of adoption.

AMANDA: I wanted to go to school, to make a life for myself and my son. I'd be working 2 jobs to support the 2 of them. No time for school. No time for betterment of our lives. We would be stuck in a life of poverty and fear.

GhostDancer: A mother should not have to feel that she must choose between her child and a life of poverty and fear. This should not happen to anyone. Every mother should be helped in every way possible to keep her family together.

AMANDA: I get to see my daughter, she will always know who I am. I was told of the pain I would feel. I knew about the suffering all three of us would endure through the years.

GhostDancer: This is what I don't understand about adoption today, especially open adoption -- the pain of adoption for all involved (with the exception of the adopters) is well known and still encouraged! How can that be? Knowing the pain and suffering that adoption causes, why is society not trying to prevent it?

AMANDA: I just got back from seeing her last night. She's happy, spoiled rotten, but happy, loved, and cared for. Her parents are almost as dear to me as she is. I wrote her a poem before our visit. When her parents read it, they cried. They were so happy that she could read that when she got older, and know that I did it for love.

GhostDancer: It makes me so sad to hear a mother call other people the parents of her child. If you think about such a statement it's easy to understand why adoption leads to identity problems for adoptees.

AMANDA: Adoption is very different than it was 20 something years ago.

GhostDancer: Adoption is, in fact, very much the same. It still requires a mother to give up her child, it still insists that a child learn to think of genetic strangers as his/her parents, and it still causes a lot of pain.

AMANDA: I'm very sorry you weren't prepared for the pain, but don't knock adoption for those of us who can feel proud of such a painful decision. Yes, it hurts, I wish I could have kept her, but I know I did the right thing.

GhostDancer: It is a strange world that considers a decision that causes pain and separates a mother and her children to be "the right thing." Let us be proud of overcoming all obstacles to keep our children -- not of giving them away.

AMANDA: She is very well cared for. She'll know her background. My son is better cared for and I'll have my degree next summer.

GhostDancer: I think this should have all been possible without Amanda losing her daughter. I think financial difficulties should never be used to separate families.

AMANDA: It would be nice to be able to get her back next year after getting a good job, but that would disrupt her life. More pain and trauma for her to deal with in life.

GhostDancer: I also think it would be nice if Amanda could get her daughter back next year when she graduates and is financially stable. I think it's sad that Amanda felt forced to give her child away because of problems as temporary as 3 short years. I think it's sad that Amanda was forced to choose a permenant solution for a temporary problem. I'm looking forward to a world in which Amanda would have been given options that would have allowed her to get on her feet without losing a child.

AMANDA: But, the pain an adoption causes the adoptee is far less than the pain of growing up hungry and being raised in daycare.

GhostDancer: A mother should not have to choose between the lesser of two evils for her child. And, a mother should not be forced to give up her child because of lack of food, especially not here in the affluent United States. This is something that should never happen anywhere!

AMANDA: I hope you don't think this post was rude, I had no intention of that, and I don't believe it was.

GhostDancer: I don't think it was rude either. I think it was very, very sad.

Mother's in Amanda's situation need to be helped to keep their children, and not helped to add confusion and trauma to their lives and the lives of their children through the losses of adoption. I want everyone to see that keeping families together is possible, and the "painful" decision that Amanda had to make is not neccessary. It should not be neccessary to give your children away forever because of temporary financial problems.

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