I don't have many memories of being pregnant with Lisa. That's not because I forgot and moved on with my life. It's because I suppressed those painful memories like memories of the other emotional traumas. But, it wasn't the pregnancy itself that was traumatic. It's was not keeping my baby that was so painful.
I do remember that my mom was so supportive through the whole time. She said that she'd support ANY decision I made. I wish now that she'd not supported my decision to give my child away. I wish she had insisted that I keep her. I wish that she had been able to tell me how damaging my decision was going to be for me. But, I don't blame my mother. She was probably as unaware as anyone else about the harm adoption would do to me. I wish someone had been there to warn me. The spirit of the time said that adoption was good.
I think that same spirit exists today -- assisting women with the loss of their children.
I'm certain that I told her dad that I thought I might be pregnant. I can't remember for sure -- I think he told me that someone else was also thinking she was pregnant by him that year. Anyway, I felt as if there was no help there. I don't blame him. I didn't want him to myself; our relationship was never like that. He would have helped me if I had been a little stronger, a little more certain of my rights. I never spoke to him about it again. He must have assumed that I turned out to not be pregnant. He had no idea that he had this daughter until she was 24 years old -- a month or so after I was able to meet my daughter he met her, too.
I have one more memory of being pregnant with my daughter. Her father's wife, my cousin came to my home, apparently she figured out who's baby I was carrying. She was, understandably, angry. We were all in the kitchen when she confonted me about it. My only thought was to protect my baby. I put my hands in front of my pregnant belly and cringed. Mom stepped between me and my angry cousin. Obviously, her only thoughts were to protect her child and grandchild. That's it. Just a snapshot memory with no beginning and no end.
This must have had something to do with my decision to give my child away, but I don't blame my cousin. Of course she was mad, who wouldn't be mad in this situation. I regret allowing this to influence me. I wish I had known that my child was more important to me than a cousin. I wish someone had been there to explain to me that my cousin would get over this infedelity, but I would never get over the loss of my child.
That's it -- no other memories of such a crucial 9 months out of my life. My hope is that the memories are still there stored away for safe keeping. I know that the suppression of these memories must have been necessary for my own sanity, but now I want those memories back.
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