The Diva News Crew..along with Katie Couric *looking at Ceej * (told ya we'd get that bitch huh ceejie *L*) are investigating world wide and around the clock. At this date there has been no ransom notes for the return of Queen Ebony, but we are leaning towards the theory of abduction, thats AB- (Latin for ab, unnormal, abstract), Duc~ (foul language as in relating to duck, chicken and goose), Tion ( native tongue of the ginghamming clan of the backwoods in heavily fogged Scottish moors, ie its means nothing really at all! ).
Clues that led to the investigating party's reasons to believe foul play is a pair of skid marked purple gingham underwear, a NASA flight suit patch, and fibres of what appears to be chiffon in the home of Miss Ebony Fire, and a giant shipping crate in the center of her living room.
There could be possibilities that some type of torture was inflicted due to the fact there was a looped cassette recording of David Cassidy's I think I love you and Barry "call that a Nose" Manilow's Mandy playing repeatedly when the investigating party arrived.
Be on the look out for anyone fitting Ebony's description, an identikit picture is shown below to help with identifying. Do NOT approach the victim, as she may have become twitchy and unstable, her prescribed meds *L* were found at her home and many know Ebony needs her daily dosage or society as we know it on earth, cyber and planetarily is at risk!
Last seen: Several days ago in a irrated condition, missing files and computer breakdowns were reported
Condition at last sighting: frothing at mouth, glazed eyes, requesting medication
Description: Tall short stature, Female, long short curly straight hair (needed to shave her legs) and balding tresses
Said to be in a dilema also over what to wear to the Gala Diva Party, alternate theories have it she went over the edge deciding whether to wear the gingham, the backless space suit, the chiffon evening dress and if to accessorise with gingham hair ribbons and bobbles, the fake and overly large cheap looking tiara, or the space helmet with visor wiper and inbuilt stereo and voice alterer.
Be on the look out on the worlds top ten worse dressers list, in alley ways where any senile bag lady hangs out, or single bars ( remember she could have been in chiffon).
Report all sightings to the Sight for Sore Eyes Ebony Case Patrol and all donations to retrieve our leader can be sent to me personally in case a ransom is demanded for her safe return. Depending how much we can make in ransom money, we will decide if we pay up or party on, Maybe they will take Katie Couric in exchange! *L*
Reporter and investigator
Chastity "Scoop" Belt
Embarrased Anchorwoman
*a-hem!!...doing her bestest Katie Couric*...thanks for the news, Chas....and now we'll turn to the ramblings of some of the other divas...
SHOOT LADIES!!...
"Ok, I can see this newsletter is late again, but hey, who wants to break from tradition...LOL...
I think Eb just flew by my window...she must be headed to Bonnie's to slap her for being late *LOL*
Anyway, I just wanted to add my few cents worth of gibber-jabber and thought you all would enjoy a joke so here goes:
This secretary started her new job and was sitting at her desk when her boss walked in. She looks up and notices that his fly is open so she says "Excuse me sir, but your barracks door is open." Her boss gives her a funny look and keeps on walking into his office. He then looks down and notices that his fly is open and thinks "Oh, I see how she is, I'll just have a little fun with her." So he walks back to her desk and says "By the way, when you saw the barracks door open did you see the soldier standing at attention?" Being witty herself the secretary replies "No, but I did see an old veteran sitting on two duffle bags."
Embarrassed Anchorwoman Again *L*
Well, now, *sitting in the hotseat, skootchin' around tryin' to move that inseam to a more comfie position ~*helpin' ya get the bitch, Ceej *rotf*~....back to our headliners!
Cold RemedyIngredients: onion(s) honey or sugar ginger water lemon directions: Clean onion (s) and peel ginger..it can be chopped or sliced. Boil water
in a sauce pan or a regular pot. Add onion and ginger..let it simmer on
medium heat until the onion becomes translucent/transparent and the
water (tea) is brownish in color. Remove
from the heat and strain the meat (onion and ginger) and pour the tea on
a mug or cup and add honey or sugar and lemon to taste. Drink this the
whole day and say good-bye to your cough and colds the following day! |
Beauty Tips:For Shiny Managable Hair |
Crema De Fruita
Ingredients:1 can of fruit cocktail in syrup 1 box knox jello (4 packets) 1 can condensed milk 1 can of nestle cream 1/4 cup water (if using fresh fruit be sure it is peeled and dry...use 1 1/4 cup water as syrup substitute) pyrex or jello containers whisk glass or plastic mixing bowl pot How To: Strain the friut cocktail and save the syrup. In a bowl..mix the condensed milk and nestle cream and set aside..Bring the syrup to a simmer and add the 4 packets of jello ..stirring until the powder dissolves. Remove from heat and add it to the milk and cream mixture... Spread the canned friut in your pyrex baking pan or jello molds..and pour your milk/cream/jello mixture over it..caver with saran wrap and refrigerate for a couple of hours. Warning: Do not use metal bowls for putting the ingredients together especially with the hot jello and milk mixture..it will turn into clumps |
The Lotus is a flower that grows in the mud...the deeper the mud the
more beautiful the Lotus flower blooms.....
Addled Anchorwoman
Lousy table BonBon!! FIX IT!
Editorial Response
Bite Me!! *L*
I have something for the newsletter this week....I have completed my award site, and have actually awarded my very first award! *BAS* I would love to see my Diva sisters apply to win it. My awards page is located here
And the email tag ender Francie uses is this....
"A friend is a gift you give yourself."
Robert Lewis Stevenson
Diva's....Chassie & Cajun Cutie are again hosting their monthly Rat's Tunnel Theme Night at Chatalot.
Its Trivia Night! Come along and play Trivial Pursuit, further details will be posted up on the Ratties Rantings and Ravings Board located on the entry to the tunnel in a few days time.
Rat's Tunnel of Love at Chatalot
Thursday Night 19th November 1998
Theme: Cajie & Chassie's Trivia Night
What time....... 9pm EST, 8pm that central, 6pm the west coast,1pm Friday for the Aussie shelias, and UK...2am...other time zones...sorry I have no idea *L* Check the times to be sure..but definately 9pm EST.
Also whilst I am here, it is soon Chatalot's 1st year Anniversary( that be http://www.chatalot.com), please go along to the card and page that was made in honour of Micky & Vice and leave a message for them if you havent already done so.
http://www.oocities.org/BourbonStreet/2766/micky.html
oh.. and thanks so much for the well wishes , my mum's doing fine after her surgery and should be home Sunday
Thanks
Chassie
Diva #80 "The Sweet Fark'n Bitch"
Editorial Commentary
I gotta admit a mistake here, ladies. Chassie sent me an E, tellin' me she has to move the dates listed here, and, well, um....er...awwwwwwright!! I lost the Fark'n Email!! So, please E Chassie with the new details.... *grumblin*....
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY LADIES! For those of you don't have ICQ, or haven't
yet viewed your cards, you can view them at:
http://www.bluemountain.com/cards/box3754u/ugc9vrpdhywcsx.htm
This week I'll honestly say that at 11:44PM, Friday night in the midst of chatting it up in the Den I realized I didn't know WHAT I was going to write about! *LOL* So I panicked... crashed my 'Nutscrap' in the process, finished one massive bottle of V8 Berry Blend Splash and nearly ate myself sick with a box of Kellogs... but I figured it out... and
here's this weeks inside look at my country...
One thing that distinguishes us as Divas is our diversity? And that's the same thing that sets this little island apart tremendously... our diversity in terms of language. Patois (skillfully pronounced: patwah) isn't even recognized as a language but it's our native language. I don't have concrete definition, but it's essentially a form English that has been broken over the years until it can't be called English. For
example... there becomes deh (or dehso, depending on the stress) or down becomes dung (no not as in COW dung *LOL*)
The most common way that words got 'Jamaicanized' was with a little thing my friends dubbed the 'H' syndrome. Where there's an H, Jamaican people tend to ignore it, and then we also tend to find H's where they're none in sight. For example him becomes im or and becomes han (or an, depending on the level of the 'H' syndrome that the speaker suffers
from*s*).
They're also varying degrees of Patois. Those in the capital, Kingston, and other major cities, tend to 'break the English' to a lesser extent. I suppose it's because we have to, I mean it's NECESSARY for the people you're doing business etc with to udnerstand you, right? *laff*
Okay ladies... now you got the History (however limited it was!*lol*)
Ready for the crash course?
Editor's Answer...HELL NO!!*L*
The basics:
Every Jamaican has a different way of greeting you... from dreadlocks, to downtown (anyone living below Half-Way-Tree, Kingston) and definitely to uptowners (anyone living ABOVE Half-Way-Tree - which is not a tree by
the way, but a place*grin*) People on the coast and in tourists regions will greet you with, "Irie." While most people I know will shout, "Wha a gwaan?!"
Responses? They vary... to irie you may want to say, "Tings cris." Meaning everything's okay... but to wha a gwaan.. people tend to want to get in detail. The most common response? "Dun know... everyting cool... but.." and then they start to list out where they want to go, what they want to do etc.
In leaving... "Yow I goin leggo now, catch you latah/likkle more/inna dimorrows" or whatever else may seem appropriate. That's one of the more common ones. Or simple "Yow, I gone." End of story *s*
For quick lessons on 'How to Speak Jamaican' check:
http://www.jamaicans.com/speakja/index.htm -Pot WHAT? Patois.
http://fantasyisle.com/patois.htm - Patois (Jamaican Style)
For definitions and some explanations:
http://www.oocities.org/Broadway/Balcony/3192/ - The Jamaican Language
Page
((shhhhhh don't tell anyone but that's my site! *wink*))
It's a language that's essential easy to understand... just listen
closely *s* a trick to speak... because the places we stress in words
differ with our moods... so do the words too actually *grin* and even
more difficult to write! Based on a quizlet that I have on my site, here
are the stats: (of 73 respondents)
30% speak Patois
7% write Patois
34% listen to Patios (and comprehend)
10% speak and listen to Patois
3% speak and write Patois
16% speak, write and listen/comprehend
Patois chat quote for the week:
(and just in case! the meaning of bun is at my site *s*) And that's me for this anniversary weekend (to all those who're still
awake!!) *LMAO* Have a a great day and a great week! See you in the
chats! Firebringer News Service (FBNS) - Experts warned today of a new and
deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug. As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places. This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products. The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles. "The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills." Of all tales of the supernatural, this one is perhaps the best documented, the most disturbing and the most difficult to explain. The Princess of Amen-Ra lived some 1,500 years before Christ. When she died, she was laid in an ornate wooden coffin and buried deep in a vault at Luxor, on the banks of the Nile. In the late 1890s, 4 rich young Englishmen visiting the excavations at Luxor were invited to buy an exquisitely fashioned mummy case containing the remains of Princess of Amen-Ra. They drew lots. The man who won paid several thousand pounds and had the coffin taken to his hotel. A few hours later, he was seen walking out towards the desert. He never returned. The next day, one of the remaining 3 men was shot by an Egyptian servant accidentally. His arm was so severely wounded it had to be amputated. The 3rd man in the foursome found on his return home that the bank holding his entire savings had failed. The 4th guy suffered a severe illness, lost his job and was reduced to selling matches in the street. Nevertheless, the coffin reached England (causing other misfortunes along the way), where it was bought by a London businessman. After 3 of his family members had been injured in road accident and his house damaged by fire, the businessman donated it to the British Museum. As the coffin was being unloaded from a truck in the museum courtyard, the truck suddenly went into reverse and trapped a passer-by. Then as the
casket was being lifted up the stairs by 2 workmen, 1 fell and broke his leg. The other, apparently in perfect health, died unaccountably two days later. Once the Princess was installed in the Egyptian Room, trouble really started. Museum's night watchmen frequently heard frantic hammering and sobbing from the coffin. Other exhibits in the room were also often
hurled about at night. One watchman died on duty; causing the other watchmen wanting to quit. Cleaners refused to go near the Princess too. When a visitor derisively flicked a dust cloth at the face painted on the coffin, his child died of measles soon afterwards. Finally, the authorities had the mummy carried down to the basement. Figuring it could not do any harm down there. Within a week, one of the helpers was seriously ill, and the supervisor of the move was found dead on his desk. By now, the papers had heard of it. A journalist photographer took a picture of the mummy case and when he developed it, the painting on the coffin was of a horrifying, human face. The photographer was said to went home then, locked his bedroom door and shot himself. Soon afterwards, the museum sold the mummy to a private collector. After continual misfortune (and deaths), the owner banished it to the attic. A well known authority on the occult, Madame Helena Blavatsky, visited the premises. Upon entry, she was seized with a shivering fit and searched the house for the source of "an evil influence of incredible intensity". She finally came to the attic and found the mummy case. "Can you exorcise this evil spirit ?" asked the owner. "There is no such thing as exorcism. Evil remains evil forever. Nothing can be done about it. I implore you to get rid of this evil as soon as possible." But no British museum would take the mummy; the fact that almost 20 people had met with misfortune, disaster or death from handling the casket, in barely 10 years, was now well known. Eventually, a hardheaded American archaeologist (who dismissed the happenings as quirks of circumstance), paid a handsome price for the mummy and arranged for its removal to New York. In April 1912, the new owner escorted its treasure aboard a sparkling, new White Star liner
about to make its maiden voyage to New York. On the night of April 14, amid scenes of unprecedented horror, the Princess of Amen-Ra accompanied 1,500 passengers to their deaths at the bottom of the Atlantic. The name of the ship was Titanic.
So You think parking is expensive where you live? try this....*oh and by the way downtown birmingham is 12.00 per day..*LOL*..i don't think in NYC it's less than 12.00/hour... A Wall street business man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest , which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The man replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?" Peace and have a great Weekend...*wiping the mud out of my keyboard*..damn rain just WON't stop... Dr. Hooly
Hey I have an idea. Since we want our webring to remain strong how about one day next week while we're chatting for our URL on our names we could insert the "Next"
link from our webring html. Since most of us Divas do our our homepage and added the links ourself it should be fairly easy. Like for example after my handle my URL address would be: < a href="http://www.webring.org/cgi-bin/webring?ring=cdr;id=64;next>http://www.webring.org/cgi-bin/webring?ring=cdr;id=64;next, So if you just want to copy and past but made sure your id number is yours otherwise it'll look like Beautiful Star has a lot of people going through her webring. Hee hee. Which won't hurt. Just thought it would
help us remain in the top 100! VLD! Beautiful Star I was asked to write an article for the newsletter about my status as one of the "disabled." As I sat here thinking about this, I realized that I have tons of stereotypes floating around in my head about what disabled was.
Suprise! None of them equalled me. I realized that I figured folks who were young and saying they were disabled HAD to be faking it ~(you know those back injuries just couldn't be real!)~ Heck, they were fakin' it cuz they didn't wanna work! I worked in a medical office before my injury. I heard those patients complain of pain, but I also heard a doctor who said, he/she "is faking it. All they want are drugs." I am so ashamed to say I believed him! I thought
that was the state of all people who complained of pain. Well, needless to say but I am gonna anyway, I ended up one of those "chronic pain patients." I was horrified to think I was in the catagory of all those "druggies". I actually needed medication now to get through a
normal day. I hated this "thing". I tried to pretend I was fine. I worked an extra year to PROVE I was okay. What did this do? Well ladies, it made my condition WORSE. I was now unable to work, keep house, or do the simple stuff. My life came to a crashing hault. Divorce, Depression and total
withdrawl followed. Folks I was a total mess (and truth be told I still am some days!) I don't wanna ramble on and on here. Just wanted to share that sometimes we call a spade a spade or a heart a heart without knowing that spade or heart at all. If nothing else has come out of this darn thing that is good, I
still realize that I cast that first stone so to speak without walking a mile in that other person's shoes. This has been one tough lesson and by no
means will it ever be over. All those things in life I took for granted are now a major chore to accomplish. I have experience first hand the comments, jokes and insinuations. It sucks. Some days I pray that I don't wake up so the pain will be done, but you know what? I do wake up. I Guess that is why I had to write this. Maybe it is to wake us all up to all that we have in our lives that is good. The small blessings we overlook. The close friends and family we take for granted. The little chores we complain about only to some day wish we could do. It is all relevant folks. So now I say thanks to all of you. The friendships you have given to each of us as sisters. The thoughtful words on the "bad" days. The cards you send. The icq messages to just say, "Viva las Divas". Well, live on Divas
*VBS* cuz one full year of an awesome ring, and many wonderful friendships have evolved. No stereotypes just people for who they are. Thanks to you all *huggers* cuz together we can do ANYTHING! ~TesterosaLaura And a little more from our wise "lady in red" Cowgirl's Prayer!~ Let me live my life with fast horses and studly men (with wrangler butts!) and when I die I want them to tan this old hide of mine and make it into a man's riding saddle so I will be between the two things I love the most ~ fast horses and studly men (with wrangler butts!) *LOL* This time like all times is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it ~ Emerson "If something had been different, if something had gone right, if something had been better, I might not sing my song tonight, if all my plans had come to pass and fit like hand in glove, then I'd have lost my only chance to know a perfect love ....... If all my wrongs were righted and all the dreams I'd planned had worked out as I thought they should,
and not turned into sand, then we'd have walked down different paths not guided from above, for the greatest dream I ever dreamed is to know a perfect love ....... A perfect love is sometimes found with just one right mistake that brings a perfect couple to the crossroads that they make, and now that I have found her I've changed my point of view and I've learned that old regretful paths can lead to something new ....... So if you think there's nothing left and if you think you're through, and if you've written off your life as many people do, and if your plans don't come to pass and fit like hand in glove, perhaps it means tomorrow you will find a perfect love....... [Don McLean....A Perfect Love]" Hello *S*,I would just like to say something concerning the diva's anniversary. I've met alot other diva's in the short time that i have been one *S* and i just would like to say.some of these woman have made a difference to me,I didn't think that i could really depend on someone throughout the internet, but let me tell you,I have had so much support through you guys it's not funny! And also i have made some really sweet friends! When I'm at home just sitting there after my girls have gone off to bed and i want to talk to someone all i have to do is click and there they are *S* you guys have made me laugh and some have made me cry...but for the good *LOL*. Those diva get together's, don't know if I can handle them *LOL*. I just want to thank all of you,and I would like to thank "smoochie" someone that has talked me out of some hard times(and she really doesn't know it untill now) *S* and for ebony *S* you guys are the greatest *S* I hope everyone enjoy's being a diva and meeting all of the other's as much as I have!!!! thank you "lovely lady" VLD!!!!!!! I was thinking, since there are sooooooo many single parents, like myself that are out there in the world today.........we could start some kind of support group for single mother such as myself for problems that may arise or anything for that matter....just some kind of support group
to vent so to speak.....just a suggestion....just trying to be a helpful diva when I have the chance to actually be on line What I would like to say is this ~~ "Ebony I would like to take this time to thank you for all your hard work a all the time you have spent on the Diva webring. I am so glad that I am in this wonderful ring with you and all the other great ladies." I also would like to thank each and every other Diva that dedicates their time and hard work to our ring. All of you are the greatest. Now I would like to have each and every Diva pat yourself on the back we made it to our 1 year Anniversary....yeah and many many more to come. Majestixx Embarrassed Anchorwoman *Gettin' out the tissue*
Editorial Response Ebbie...ya know we luv ya babe *S*...but Maj said it perfectly *S* *slappin the ugly bitch with the inseam crawlin up her crotch* *LMFAO* It's a man's world, but remember that women make it go around. Respect them, love them, protect them, cherish them, because without them, man would be lost! ~Author Unknown~ We can understand things and ideas.We cannot understand people. That is why there is love. "If at first you don't succeed... destroy ALL evidence that you tried" I don't have any wonderful quotes, but want to tell you how much I enjoyed my first two evenings with y'all in the chat room. Thanks for being welcoming "IT`S NICE TO BE IMPORTANT & IT`S MORE IMPORTANT TO BE NICE "Stressed spelled backwards is desserts!" There are just some men who fit the following not so common, but still very apt, phrases pefectly: hebetudinous Boetic basilisk read: dull witted unenlightened, addle-pated sottish cockatrice If men are from mars I wish I could balance my household budget the same way Congress balances America's budget. I've tried, but my creditors get really pissed Embarrased Anchorwoman *straightening her armante tie...supressing a giggle.......a-hem!!...*thinkin' she oughta balance that checkbook some friggin time before Christmas!*...back to the business of divadom... Editorial Response Boring Bitch!! *LOL*
Whisper Dragon with a request for you ladies... I would like for everyone to e-mail me their top ten pet peeves.....I'llput a list of the top ten overall and send it out. I think it would be fun to see. This week's Trivia *S* All these trivia questions were selected by visiting random sites: 1. To what kickass country does Jeanene pledge allegiance to? 2. What is Nazia Qidwai's favorite sport? 3. What's the name of pammmy's cat? 4. Name one of Bashment's favorite authors.
5. Where does Miss Luva work, and in what department? 6. What's the midi playing on Testerosa's handles page? 7. Sassy Lady describes herself as a) a workaholic b) a romantic c) a
Jerry Springer addict 8. What sport did Miyakie play in high school? 9. What does the message box say on Skydancer's page? 10. What popular Sesame St. character is portrayed in one of Babydoll 4
U's awards? 11. Who's Silk's favorite man on TV? 12. How many days apart were WhisperDragon's marriage and wedding? 13. What does Bonnie dedicate her site to? 14. What is the most annoying question people ask Ceej? 15. What game did MissHappy invent? 16. What are the ingredients in TropicalCutie's perfect margarita? (And
will you make me one?) "You can't put a stop payment on a reality check." Many poeple are at loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now you can handle this situation as I'm going to reveal the lineage. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt.Awe Schitt,the fertilizer heiress married Oh Schitt,the owner of KneeDeep Schitt Inc.In turn, Jack married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children. Holie Schitt,Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt and the twins
Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against his parents objections,Deep Schitt
married Dum Schitt,a high school dropout.After 15 years of marriage,Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.Noe later married Bob Sherlock. Because her kids lived with them,she kept her previous name and was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a meek and mild mannered son,Chicken Schitt.Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and it was no surprise when they married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Bird,Horse
and Bull. Bull Schitt left home to tour the world and recently returned with his new Italian bride,Pesa Schitt.
So the next time someone says you don't
know Jack Schitt,you can correct them with the real poop!! ANY QUESTIONS????????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ladies.....Here is a list to give your men of what NOT to say to you when you ask "Do I Look Fat to YOU???" 10. "Hold still so I can straighten the ‘Wide Load’ sign." 9. "If I get a running start, I’m pretty sure I can get you through the door." 8. "It’s just more of you to love...and to squeeze around in the kitchen." 7. "One solar eclipse this decade sure wasn’t enough for me." 6. "How often do you really need to see your feet, anyway?" 5. "I’m still waiting to hear back from the Hands Across America people about getting you a hug." 4. "The car dealer said the tilt steering wheel wasn’t designed to go up another three feet." 3. "Think of the money we’ll save. Now it only takes two cups of water to fill up the tub when you’re in it." 2. "The guys at the Seismology Institute have asked that you not do aerobics while they are taking readings." 1. One word — "Yes" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Men hear what they want to hear What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry
right now!" What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This
way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. > Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not
going to let him get away with this, are you?" > The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was
astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Today's Momma Insult: Your momma's so stupid, she took a roll of toilet paper to a craps game. ***************** This little kid is siting on a corner stirrng a bucket of shit. A truck driver comes up to him and asks, "What are you doing?" The kid just keeps on stirring and says, "I'm making a truck driver." The truck driver get offended and leaves.
A cowboy walks up to the little boy and says, "What are you doing?" To which the boy replies, "I'm making a cowboy"
The cowboy gets pissed and leaves. Finally, a lawyer comes up to the kid, "What are you doing?" The little boy replies, "I'm making a cowboy, I don't have enough shit to make a lawyer." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toypen? A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me! lie to me!" ******************* What do you call a Raggedy Ann Doll face down in a mud puddle with a rock in her mouth? A dirty cotten rock sucker. ******************* A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said: "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Great Female Comebacks A JOKE FOR YOU ! Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter" Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized !" Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy: Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives. Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world. "That may be true", said Sleeping Beauty, "but I am better because I
am obviously the most beautiful person in the world". Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he
must be the greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most women. After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth. First, Hercules went into Guru's cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased. Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: "It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!" Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: "Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???" Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky (imagine a Yiddish accent), "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right, 3 times..." "3, hmmm, well when were they?" "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan... Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well..." "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you... Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well...." "Oh my god!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, , you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you
really wanted to be president of the congregation.... And you were 47 votes short...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex
therapist named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor." She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fast back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem." The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If Men Really Ruled The World (from November 1998 issue of Maxim magazine)* Unfortunately, you'd be dead wrong, says Maxim magazine's November 1998 issue. Need proof? Go to any supermarket and you'll immediately notice that the first aisle is full of fresh fruits and vegetables. If men really ruled the world, wouldn't the first aisle be smoked pork products on sticks and Cheez Doodles? If men really ruled the world, would there be any folk singers? Wine-and-cheese parties? Wicker furniture, galoshes, table manners, or a five-day waiting period for handguns? Hell no. But what if? Join the Maxim magazine staff as they explore an alternate world where the wisdom of women is simply ignored. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. Two words: Ally McNaked. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof." The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Rules of Bedroom Golf 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. 10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case. 12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole. 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request. 15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one
match. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *HugZ* Gabriella~KAREN~Gabi Ok it's my turn *G* In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?" Bonnie *Your Anti-Talented, Semi-Agressive, Totally-Bitchy (YUH-HUH!! Ask Bleu!! *L*) Newsletter Provider this week (And THIS week only!! This shit'll KILL!!*L*)* Well, I guess it's my turn..and ta' think, I gotta follow all THAT!! *lookin UP at the submissions**L* K, how 'bout if I stick to stats instead?? *L* How many of you came to the Anniversary Gala?? NINETEEN!! NINETEEN I SAY!! *WUF WUF WUF* ...Oh yeah..we ROCK!! HA AND HA AND HAHA I SAY AGAIN!! Yessssssssss girls ~~ we beat the record!! So, the next time ya see one of the girls that attended, give'em a warm pat on the back, 'cause they (me included *WEG*) had a HELLUVA blast at the party! YESSSSSSS!!! Thank you ladies...between the Anniversary Party and the submissions, you all have come thru and covered my diva butt yet AGAIN *S*
I only have one order of business left, and I think we will all agree that without our fearless Diva Queen Leader, we would never have gotten to know each other, never have had these parties OR this pain in the ass newsletter *rotf*..so I vote that we de-vote the First Annual Newsletter to our Lady of Gold *VEG*... True love is not defined by finding the perfect person, but by finding the person who is perfect... Editor's Disclaimer: Some of these submissions were taken out of text, some were used without the express written consent of their authors and some text was downright edited *L*...and I am thoroughly ready to take all the hair flyin, teeth pullin, cussin, pastie slappin hate mail I'm bound to get *rotf* Bonnie, ~*mimicking Ming & Ling*~ your very very temporary Editor, playing a duel role as the Embarrassed Anchorwoman *feelin like Richard Pryor in Carwash...showin' my age again *VEG*
Hanna
EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GB BUG
Dr. Hooly *L*
Beautiful Star
Testerosa
Sirkka
Lovely Lady
Thumper
Thanks, Joanne # 17
Majestixx
Smooches
Princess Drama
Lil' Kimmie
Purry Daze
idwtw
Gumballz
Beyond Blonde
legendary reptile who's very
breath and glance are fatal
or
read: dull witted idiotic basilisk
and women are from venus,
doesn't that make us all
a bunch of illegal aliens?
Whisper Dragon
Tayla
Gabriella
Read enough world history and you'll notice that men have been in the driver's seat since the dawn of civilization. Even today, the vast majority of world leaders are men. You may think we do, in fact, rule the world.
Bonnie
author...me