My Testimonial for Victims of Violence CandleLighting
March 28 2000

Violence has taken someone precious and irreplaceable from our family. My son Jamie, who was 25, was murdered May 12th 1998. His murder has impacted every aspect of our lives. Violence took a man who was a loving son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin and friend. It took a man who was softhearted and gentle. It took a man who was the hub of a large circle of friends. It took a man who brought many different kinds of people together and made them friends. Violence took a man who never judged anyone by their color, sex, religion or wealth. It took a man who saw the good in everyone he met.

His murder took a brother who was always looking out for his younger brother, Michael. When Michael married last year, it took his best man and brought sadness and pain to what should have been a totally joyous celebration. Michael and my daughter in law are now expecting their first child. Violence took that child's only uncle from him or her. He would have spoiled them rotten and loved them deeply. They will never know the special relationship they would have had with him. The joy of this new life will also be touched with sadness and pain.

His murder stole a grandson who was always willing to help his elderly grandparents. It stole the life of my father in law who passed away almost exactly 11 months after Jamie's murder. He grieved himself to death. It took the mind of my mother. The pain and stress of his murder brought on fear of being alone and sent her into dementia. She is now in a nursing home.
It took our family gatherings and holidays from us. No one in our extended family wants to gather for holidays without him. It took that joy from his grandparents and his other family.

Violence took our past and our future. It took a man whose greatest desire was to marry and raise a family. It took our grandchildren from us. It took cousins from his brother's children and great grandchildren from his grandparents. The ripples from one violent act spreads endlessly.

His murder took 25 yrs of my life's work. I had been a stay at home mom devoted to making a home for our family and to raising our children. It wiped out 25 years of my life and stole my identity. His murder shattered our lives into a million tiny pieces. The person I had always been died with him. It took our normal lives and threw us into a strange new world. One that now revolves around waiting for justice and living in limbo until we can find some closure for him.

It took my peace of mind. From having found his body, I now have to deal with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have to take medication for anxiety and an irregular heartbeat. It took restful sleep from me. I have many sleepless nights and many nights filled with terrible night sweats and nightmares. I am constantly fatigued and dogged by depression and an inabiltity to focus and difficulty at times just functioning in day to day life.
It took my security. I now have times of fear when I am home alone at night. I have feelings of panic at times when I am outside at night, even just outside my front door.

His murder took my memories of Jamie for a long time. When I found his body crumpled and bloody in his home, that image was burned into my mind. When I tried to remember anything about him, his voice, his smile, how he was as an infant, a child, a teen, all I could see was that last image of him. It took over a year before I could remember anything about him other than that image.

It took the ability to find pleasure in anything. I lost all interest in everything that had brought pleasure before. I couldn't read, I couldn't garden anymore. I couldn't watch a movie. For 4 weeks, I couldn't eat at all. I felt guilty for being alive when my son was dead. I felt guilty about enjoying anything at all. It's taken a long time and alot of work to begin to be able to find pleasure in things again.

Violence made simply living a struggle. There's not a moment of the day that I don't still question why and that I don't long for my son. Not a moment that I don't struggle to understand how he could have been snatched from us so senselessly and cruely. There's not a moment that I don't wonder if there was something I could have done to prevent it. If there was something I missed that would have changed things. Even a year and a half of therapy hasn't answered those questions.

Some good has come even in the face of his senseless death. I have become involved in victims issues and in grief support. To honor Jamie and keep his memory alive, I have learned to speak up, where before I would have been silent. I've become a more compassionate person, but also one who is not afraid to speak out for victims of violence. With Mary Ann Stroup, we started Healing Hearts, a support group for victims of violence and suicide. In the first months of Jamie's death, I learned to use a computer. I needed to find others who had been through this pain and violation. I found them, so very many of them. I am assistant founder of one of the largest online support groups, with over a 1000 members. It's called My Mom Is A Survivor and has just been officially recognized by The Compassionate Friends as a major support group. I write a monthly article as a correspondent for Parents of Murdered Children, for another online support group. A friend I met online who is also a mother of a murder victim, does presentations on violence at high schools. Jamie's story is one of those presentations. Three times a week, every week, hundreds of high school students hear about Jamie and what happened to him. They get to know him and come to understand what violence does to survivors. I have been to Columbia for SCs Victims Rights week and to Atlanta for National Children's Memorial Day. I've written to Congress and Senators urging more rights for Victims. I've written letters to the editor and given interviews.

All of these things have one purpose, to honor my son and to bring a voice to the victims of violent crime. Jamie was taken too soon in a senseless act of cruelty. He has only our voice to make a difference now. It has been this good and my faith in God that has kept me going. Jamie is with me still. He gives me the strength to do these things and the comfort of knowing that he will be remembered as more than a murder victim. He will be remembered as the vibrant, loving, compassionate man he was.