My first appointment with my first baby I was told I would not have room for my baby.  I knew I would have a c-section when I walked out of there.  I had to change doctors my last six weeks.  I went to a doctor who had the reputation of letting women do whatever they want and I discussed my desires for a natural childbirth with him.  He did not have a problem with any of it.  Funny but the next week he put me on bed rest.  I am an apprentice midwife right now and if I would have known what I know now I would have told him where to go!  I just discovered (looked at my records) that he put me to bed when my blood pressure was 130/78 and I had a trace of protein. Not anywhere close to
having pre-eclampsia.  Toxemia is listed on my birth records.  Anyway everything that happens next was completely unnecessary.  I started going in for non-stress tests and had 3 vaginal exams a week. Finally at 39 weeks my water broke.  I was not having contractions but because of my "condition" he wanted me to come in to the hospital.  I did. I knew when I got there it would be the biggest mistake of my life.  I went in around 10 a.m.  After no progress they started pitocin at nine that evening.  They had to give me another I.V. because there was no more room on the first one.  I took the epidural at midnight and three hours later there was still no progress.  They prepped me for the section.  I was taken in, tied down, my gown was pulled up to reveal my
shaved pubic area as the anesthesiologist stood over me pinching my stomach to see if I was numb.  I was so embarrassed I said I was when I really was not completely numb yet. Dumb move.  They started the section and I felt it.  By the time the baby was out I was shaking so hard, could not hear, the room was getting dark, and I was in horrible pain.  I kept trying to hear my baby.  We have Muscular Dystrophy in our family and I knew if she had a strong cry she was healthy.  I never did hear her very well.  My husband brought her over to me but because I was shaking so bad and it was dark I couldn't see her.  I turned my ahead away in anger.  I was so mad.  There I was in all this pain and everyone gets to see and hold my baby before me.  They finally put me out.  Thank God.  I woke up in recovery with no feelings for my baby.  I kept thinking to myself how I should have never go pregnant, I am not ready for this.  I don't want a baby right now.  ( She was planned after a miscarriage)  If I could have gotten off that recovery table I would have walked out of the hospital without "that baby" and I would have never looked back.  I also felt guilty for feeling that way.  I mean this was the baby I so desperately wanted for 9 months.  I decided I would have to just pretend to love her so no one would know how I really
felt.  I was finally taken to my room and my parents came up.  I was still out of it but my mom said she kept putting the baby up to my face and I kept turning away from my little girl.  She knew something was really wrong.  Finally when I was awake and aware my mom put her in my arms and thank God I fell in love with her. There is something to say about bonding immediately after birth.

My next pregnancy I was a little more educated but I still thought that section was necessary.  I went back to the same doctor because he said I should be able to have a vaginal birth next time.  Well I was eight days late and even though baby and I were both in great shape he wanted to induce me.  I had read plenty and I knew that it was not necessary but I could not
argue with a doctor.  So I went in on a Monday morning to get started on pitocin.  Tuesday afternoon after hearing a baby crying I broke down and cried.  I did not want to be there and I missed my little girl at home.  A nurse came in and said if you have to have a c-section then you have to have a c-section.  The important thing is a healthy baby.  I wanted to tell her where to go but I did not.  They must have called my doctor because he showed up shortly.  He gave me the option of breaking my water.  So I let him in hopes I could get out of there sooner.  Luckily it worked but of course with the pitocin it became very painful in a very short time.  I tried really hard to deal with it but I asked for the epidural.  It only worked on one side but I still felt better.
At ten that night I was dilated ten.  The doctor looked at the clock and left.  At midnight he came back with a resident.  Gee thanks for asking me if it was alright.  How humiliating.  The resident introduced himself to the nurses but not to me. Without even doing an internal to check my
progress he got out the forceps. Pulled her down to the perineum and then sucked her out with the vacuum. The pink one, for the little girl I was having.  Oh well at least I had my vaginal birth.  I left that day.  I knew then that my next one would be born at home.  If I could not find midwives then I was going to do it myself.

A year and a half later I became pregnant with my third and started my midwife hunt.  I found a group of underground midwives.  My state is a hostile state.  I
was so excited that I was finally going to get the birth of my dreams.  Pre-natals with the midwives was so different and so much fun.  They actually talked to you.  Well eleven days after my due date I finally started labor at four in the morning.  I was not sure this was it since I have never gone into labor by myself but at about 6:30 my hubby's alarm went off and I told him I don't think you will be going to work today. I went to the bathroom and had some loose stools so I
began believing that this was the real thing.  I still did not call my midwives until 8:30 a.m. They arrived about an hour later and we sat around and talked since I was still only contracting about every five minutes.

Finally at noon they gave me some labor enhancer and I mentioned that the contractions I was having were just great with me.  I think they sensed my fear of pain and one of them assured me that this would be nothing like my pitocin labors.  Finally at 1:00 p.m.  I was on
my hands and knees with a hot rice bag on my back being talked through my contractions.  I can't even remember how long my one midwife rubbed my back for me.  I then leaned onto a chair since my arms were tired.  Eventually my knees were hurting so bad I was having difficulty
dealing with the contractions so they helped up and I sat in the chair.  Oh that sure felt better.  I was pushing about that point and about an hour later they said I have to squat.  They got me up on my children's little tike chairs and boy I really had to push then.  I had one of my midwives in a headlock!  Finally fifteen minutes later our first little boy was born next to the Christmas tree to the tunes of Kenny G's Miracles.  How awesome! I finally did it!  A ten pound six ounce baby boy.  The emotions were so overwhelming.  I finally felt that it was an awesome privilege to be a woman and to be able to bring life into the world.  I was ready to do it again.  I have never felt so empowered and so beautiful.  I took my precious baby to bed with me that night and stared at him until morning.  I was too "high" to sleep.  If only every woman could experience what I did.

My midwives treated me with so much love and gave me so much support.  I never felt embarrassed or degraded.  I never felt I could not do it.  I was comfortable and my privacy was respected.  Every one of my needs was meant by women who knew what it felt like to have a
baby.  It will be a cold day in hell before I ever have a baby in the hospital again.  Unless of course a life is in danger.  Although I would be very unhappy about it!   Tonya Siltman
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