I'm 37 years old, married, 13 years and transsexual. What does this mean ? I'm not sure I can answer that at the present. First though, a bit of background.
I first started crossdressing around the age of 4. My mother a very young and sexy 23 at the time had the most gorgeous purple velvet skirt. The first time I saw it I knew I wanted one too. I did try it on, on one occasion that I can remember, but even at that age I knew it wasn't right for a boy to be wearing girls clothes.
Maybe I should go a bit deeper into that - I was, up to the age of 7, an only child. but, I spent a lot of time at my cousins house. I had one cousin (who died of AIDS a few years ago) that was always very effeminate. He was terribly ridiculed by his brothers and sisters, as well as the neighborhood kids, as he used to play dress-up with some of the neighborhood girls and was caught. I knew that if anyone knew, I too would be ridiculed.
On with the story. As I say I knew it wasn't right, so I stopped. I didn't even think about women's things again until about the age of 12. At that time, we had just moved to Rockville, Maryland, from Ashland, Massachusetts. We had been in the house for about two months, when a hurricane struck. The house we were renting wasn't damaged outwardly, but the basement did flood, ruining several boxes of things in the basement, that had yet to be unpacked.
I went into the basement a day of two after the hurricane, and while going through boxes to see what I could salvage, came across the most amazing thing ... my mothers one piece white bathing suit.
I put it on, and experienced an almost immediate sexual release. It wasn't long after this that I was regularly raiding my mothers drawers for her panties. I went on this way until I was a bit older than 16 (as soon as I got my driver's license).
About that time was the first time I went out to buy things of my own. I really don't remember the first thing that I bought, but I think it was panties and a bra or two from a small boutique type lingerie shoppe.
When I was 19, I got a job with Eastern Airlines, working as a mechanic. After 6 months with Eastern, I moved from Miami, to New York City for 6 months. It was sometime in this 6 months that I bought my first dress. I remember it very well. It was brown and silky, very fitted in the bodice, and flaring out from the hip to a nice kind of A-line I guess at the knee. I don't think it could have been considered a party dress so to speak, but more of a very pretty work dress. From the store next door to where I bought the dress, I picked up some brown suede pumps to match the dress. It's funny though, while the shoes fit like a gloves, I had to return the dress twice before I got the size right. As I remember the second time was rather embarrassing to me. It was also during this time too that I started venturing out. I didn't know a thing about makeup, and quite honestly, was far too scared to buy any, but still after 10 or 11 o'clock at night on several occasions I did go out for walks. I look back at this and shudder that I was never accosted.
I was transferred to Washington D.C. in 1980, and moved back home. Almost immediately, I told my mother about my femme side, and she was very supportive, shopping with me for things, and on a couple of occasions even buying things as presents for me. I met my wife within 8 months of moving back to the DC area, and within a very few months knew this was the girl I wanted to spend my life with. We got married in August of 1982, and have been committed to one another ever since.
I didn't tell my wife about my femme side, feeling that I could stop. It didn't last for very long though. Actually, on our honeymoon, after making love, I slipped on her panties (black silk that were really lacy ) and asked her how they looked. She said they looked cute and I ended up leaving them (at least partially) on the rest of the night. When we returned home, I asked her if I could borrow one of her nightgowns to sleep in. She refused, and said if I wanted to sleep in a nightgown I should buy my own. The next day, I did just exactly that. At first, she didn't seem to have a problem with it, but now I realize that we were both just in denial. This denial lasted approximately 8 years, until sometime in late 1989.
During the 8 years though, it wasn't as if she didn't know things were going on. I really wouldn't cover my tracks very well, using the family credit cards to buy things, and leaving them where they could be found, etc. She didn't mention it, and neither did I, as neither one of us was ready to discuss the matter. In 1989, I went on strike with Eastern, and money became a problem. We had to discuss every purchase that was made. Given that quite a bit of outlay went to clothes each year, it became quite the bone of contention. My purchases became much more planned, and much less emotionally driven. I won't say that there weren't time when I'd see something an absolutely have to have , but it became much more infrequent. Also, at this time, my taste rather changed from worrying to much about sexy things , as to worrying more about everyday kinds of things.
As I look back, it was about this time that I subconsciously started planning for full-time. It wasn't until December (about a week before Christmas) in 1994, though that these feelings of needing to be the way I felt inside came to a head. I told my wife that I felt I was TS, and that I didn't know what I was going to do about it. I have yet to see a councilor, although, there is a very good one not very far from my home now, for fear that within 6 months I'll be on hormones and within 6 months to a year after that I'll be full time. You have to understand, my wife has made it very clear to me that she would not be willing to stick around for that. I feel very trapped, because I know I can't live without my wife, yet, the feelings of wrongness grow stronger with every passing day.
Recently , I've changed careers. I've left the "old boys club" that is aviation and am now working for a major computer manufacturer doing tech support. Although this has been a financially challenging move, the freedom from narrow mindedness has been a real godsend. I've been growing my hair now, for over 1 1/2 years and its getting to the point where it's a nice length (10-12 inches long) It would have been longer, but I have it trimmed every 6 weeks (plus colored). My nails are now 1/4 to 5/16 inch past the ends of my fingers - which is about as long as they'll get before breaking. I keep them polished, either with a very light French, or a nice shiny clear. I really don't know if this is where I'll transition, but I feel it may well be possible, given the open mindedness of my co-workers.
I plan on starting Electrolysis next month - I'll be due a raise, and it should be healthy, All I know is that it will certainly be nice not to have to use quite so much makeup.