More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Bears And Cubs

What Is A Bear?

A Bear is a (usually) masculine gay man who is almost invariably furry. Most Bears have facial fur, ranging from heavy stubble to belt-grazing beards. Bears are also (usually) hefty. The heftiness may range from a Bear Belly to major muscles to all-over extra poundage. To admirers of bears (see Cubs below) this heftiness and furriness is a highly desirable quality!

Some years ago, Bears developed the Natural Standard Bear Code to classify Bears according to a wide range of different qualities. If you'd like to have a copy of the code, please hit the "back" button on your browser to return to my home page, and send me email requesting "NSBC File." I will email you back a text file of the code.

The exceptions to the furry/hefty rule above are Otters. Otters are thin and/or fairly-smooth bears.

What Is A Cub?

A Cub in his most basic form is simply a gay man who admires Bears. However, there is a wide range of opinion on exactly what constitutes being a Cub. Some say that a Cub is simply a young Bear. Others say a Cub is a Bear-in-training. Still others say a Cub is a submissive (bottom) Bear. However, all Cubs agree on one issue -- that they feel safe and loved and aroused and all's-right-with-the-world when they are held in the warm circle of a Bear's arms. And believe me, when you are held by a Bear, you know you're being HELD!

Okay, so this is by its nature a somewhat prejudiced opinion since I'm a cub. But I think that Bears and Cubs need to be very careful about selecting a partner -- often (not always) there is an element of dominant/submissive roles in a Bear/Cub relationship. Personally, I don't believe that's a bad thing -- in fact, I like it if not carried to extremes. The danger is in meeting a Bear who is aggressively or abusively dominant, or meeting a Cub who is looking to abdicate responsibility or to fulfill a need to be hurt through submission. I often hear from other cubs that bears take their cubs for granted, treat them too possessively and jealously, or abuse them emotionally and sometimes even physically. I also hear from bears that cubs act as if their bear is supposed to solve all their problems for them, be available to fulfill their every need, and are smothering in the amount of attention they demand. These are not healthy views of Bears or Cubs! There are always people who need to control their partner because of insecurity, and there are always people who seek out controlling partners because of poor self-esteem or their refusal to take responsibility for their own lives. Luckily, those people are in the minority -- even among Bears and Cub -- but we all should be aware that the problem exists, and take steps to avoid partners with those problems. If you have experienced this kind of a problem in your relationships, please do yourself a favor and talk to a counselor or a friend you trust about it. We aren't victims of an unchangeable destiny: if a problem like this is interfering in your ability to build and maintain healthy, long-term relationships, you CAN do something about it! It may take some time to work through whatever issues are causing this problem in your life, but in the end it will be worth it. And please remember: you're only responsible for changing your own outlook and behavior. You don't have the right to "decide" someone else has a problem and then take it upon yourself to work toward changing that person. Sure you can suggest that you feel something in their life is hindering their ability to enjoy healthy relationships, and offer to talk about it -- but that's where it stops. Don't be caught in the trap of believing a potential partner would be perfect for you "...if only I can change him." You'll only make yourself -- and him -- miserable. Try not to focus on his faults, but on the many other things that make you love him, and build your growing relationship on those positive qualities -- and hope. Everyone is a better person when they know they're loved!

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