No Title :)
you came into my life
like a beacon in the dark
You felt I needed something
but that something was foul
that something tore and shredded me
but then it put me back together again
it made me feel whole and yet in pieces
how can I tell you that I love you
and hate you at the same time
your gift was a curse
your curse was a gift
then you tried to take it away
and I clung
clung and cried for you to leave it
and it almost left
but now it is here
and I have no idea what to do with it
throw it away? Keep it safe?
What would you do
if you were me
Would you use it to its greatest advantage
or destroy it?
Would you let it go like a butterfly
Would you bottle it up and sell it like cheap wine?
What should I do?
Teacher
the darkness fell at your feet
the pain surrendered under your touch
I felt the glow,
the glow of your heart on my face
the glow of your voice in my mind
I feel you in me, and yet your not
your with everyone
your with all at the same time
you are here with me and you are there with him
you are everywhere
how is that? how do you do it?
I can't do it.
I can't even feel anymore
teach me great one
teach me the power of your touch and your voice
teach me your wisdom for I am not whole without you
The rest of these are untitled.. I just wrote 'em when I was depressed :) I'm just one of those damned depressed ppl, huh??
Pain washes over me
The memory of him
I feel it in your voice
I feel it in your touch
you tell me you love me
but you cannot understand how I feel
You are a direct link to him
you make me think of him
I cry when I talk to you
because of him
He ruined what we had
he ruined what we were
Dont you see?
he made us turn against each other
I hate him
and I hate you because of him
I cry at night, because of what has happened
I can't understand why
I can't understand how
I just dont know anyting anymore
I dont understand
I just dont
he tuned me into an ugly beast
He turned me into a thing of hatred
I cannot feel now because of him
I am afraid if I do,
I will be overcome with grief
I will do something I shouldn't
So I hide everything
I hide myself from everyone else
I make myself invisible,
so no one will see what is happening to me
I dont want anyone to know my pain,
and yet I do, because I want them to hurt like me
They dont understand this pain I feel
They dont understand this hurt that is going on
I want to die..
I hate living
I hate not feeling him beside me
like I used to
Like I had
The pain that I felt for you is strong..
The pain I feel now is strong..
Why does this pain constantly knaw at me
I lay in your arms, but I feel as if your not there
I feel as if you want someone else
other people on your mind..
That other guy perhaps? That other one that we discussed?
Why? What is it about him that is better than me?
What is it about him that you want more than I
I need that love as much as he does
why do you hurt me so bad, and yet its not you
its not the person I fell in love with
I fell in love with someone caring, and great
you are like a shell anymore..
a shell of unhappiness... not wanting to be here
but to be there... Away from me..
is that what you really want?
Do you need him..
You thought you thought with your head, but did you really?
did you really?
All-
The darkness surrounds my heart
I want it to end
I want to feel the cold steel of the blade
pushing against my wrists
I want to feel the blood dripping down my hands
I want these things because living is too unbearable
too harsh for me anymore
I want the anguish to end
I want the fear and loneliness to subside
because I dont want to deal with it anymore
I dont want to feel this pain anymore
How can I stop this?
How can I deal with this anymore?
All I do is fret
worry and whine
and now its time to end it
all
All About-
Am I supposted to feel alone?
Does life really mean so little
to everyone else?
or am I the only one to feel this way?
Should I be scared
because all I want to do is die
all I want to do is rot in my grave
but yet, if there is a god,
why wont he let me die?
why wont he let me out of my misery?
cant he see that I hate living?
can't he see that I want it to end?
Why does he keep me going on?
why does this so called "loving god"
keep me here
I've done all I can
but I will never be loved,
and that is what its really all about right?
Darkness-
you brought me flowers
you brought me roses
but you didn't see,
that the roses turned black
at your touch
nor did you see my skin
as it crawled when you caressed me
I cannot deal with your touch,
then put downs
because I will not let myself be seduced by you
yes, i said that before
but now I mean it.
or do i?
do I really let you do this to me?
why do I put such energy into you?
why do you affect me so?
I dont love you
I hate you
yet I cant let you go
when I do, you leave
and then I feel empty
the darkness overcomes me again
(I'm gunna start putting the dates when I wrote these, and I can't remember when I wrote most, but this one and one other one I do! :) -Nov 4th, 1997
Dead-
darkness
the decay brings on more stench
the burning desire to live again
approaches
what can I do oh lord?
what can I do to be one with my body again?
I want to burn the cigarette like I used to
when I had fresh lungs to breathe from
I want to smell the trash the dog used to drag out
now all I can smell and inhale is dirt
and bugs
the bugs that crawl on my face
in my hair, and around my body
they do not realize that i'm still here
nor do you god
have you left me here?
have you left me to die a slow agonizing death?
is this hell? is this what is considered hades?
I cannot know
all I know is this awful stench
of rotting flesh and decaying bone
how can I feel anything now?
now that I am dead
-Nov 4th, 1997
I want-
I'm ready to find love
I'm ready to experience it
I'm ready to feel it
I'm ready to see it
I want someone to fall for me
I want someone to feel the love I feel for them
I want someone to hold me and let me hold them
I want someone to touch me and feel me
Questions-
Why is it that
I always find something
and then it leaves me?
is it the way of life?
Is it the way of love?
Why does it have to be this way?
why must this pain bleed in my soul?
Why must it tear at my heart?
Do I always need to feel this way?
am I destined to be alone?
All these questions, and I have no answers
Why?
Tell Me-
The pain is nothing
look into my eyes
come into my world
you'll see things taht scare you
that will torment you
for the rest of your life
you think you have it plush
because you had this or that happen to you
well why dont you ask me what happened to me
how I was beaten as a kid
or maybe how I felt like I was different
cuz I was fat
or maybe how no one wanted to be my friend?
Why dont you ask me
what it was like
To find out your mother does drugs
and then you ask her about it,
trying to help her,
and she sends you away
or how she doesn't care tht your beaten
by your step dad
and she blames you for it
when all you did,
was be scared of the dark
because you were 11
So you tell me
who had the worse life?
was it me,
or was it you?
or maybe it was the person down the street
with all the sexual abuse
or the physical abuse
and will never be quite the same
because of it
tell me... Who?
When I think about him now
My heart still breaks a little
but I can live now
but can I really?
It has been a few months...
But yet.. the pain has yet to completely cease
Will it ever?
Is this what they call "First true love?"
I thought I had that with another...
But this one affected me far deeper
Far worse than any others have
I shield myself from sight
so others dont see me
I let no one in
Because I'm afraid,
They'll do to me what he did
They'll want to torment me
like he did
Love,
Yak/BriBear/GothKub/TremereBear/Whatever i'm callin' myself now ;-)
This is the way back to the first page.
© 1997 yaksha@writeme.com
{--- this is here more just for my info :) But you can look if you want! ;)
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