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For those readers of this website, you have read my page entitled "Whole at Last." I wrote it a few months after my surgery. It has been nearly three years since I wrote these words. In that time, I have had the chance to test what I believe surgery accomplished for me. I have dated several men and have discovered that I made an error.
The error of which I speak has to do with deception. I am not speaking of deceiving others, for I have come to grips with my former fear that I was deceiving people by portraying myself as a female. I am not lying, when I call myself female, for I have always been one. My error lies in one fact that I have tried to overlook. That fact is that I am female, but am also a transsexual. There is nothing I can ever do to change that.
When I had surgery, it did not change my past. I lived for 46 years, while testosterone did its work to make me look male. Although I am a tall female and my bone structure is larger than the average woman, I generally pass. There are those occasions when I am "clocked," and until recently I have chalked it up to my appearance. Although surgery made me feel whole in body, it was not the cure-all.
Thanks to my wonderful friends, I found my error in thinking and I wish for others to avoid making the same mistake. My mistake was thinking that I would naturally be accepted once I had surgery. I thought that men would view me as a female, since I now had the ability to have heterosexual sex. This has not proved to be true. Many men think there is something wrong with me for making such a choice.
I have met many men who find me attractive and wish to date me, only to reject me later once I tell them I am a transsexual. There are basically two ways they may respond. One group will reject me after our first face-to-face, and never speak to me again. What hurts in this situation is that they will most often not say they are rejecting me. They will simply never call or return my calls. My friend tells me the reason for this behavior is that men never want to look like the "bad guy." You could say they are cowards, but I think it feels better than hearing them tear me down for my choice.
Another response I get is the man who says he is okay with my choice and wishes to continue to see me. This man will date me until he begins to consider what his friends or family might think. When fear sets in about how he will appear to others, he drops out of the picture. The time this takes will vary with the individual. He may take from a few weeks to several months for him to make this self-discovery.
Communication is a key factor in any relationship, but it is especially important to the transsexual. I take part of the blame for one rejection. One man who saw me for six months was a long-distance relationship. I allowed my emotions to show when he failed to call me for one month. He realized, by my silence, I was upset. When I refused to talk about it, we broke-up. He was not emotionally available, but I know part of it was due to my failure to communicate my needs. I needed to hear from him once a week, and I assumed he understood this need. My high school math teacher said "Assume and it makes an ass out of you and me!" I suppose I did not make a mistake any different from most females, but the clock continues to tick on my life, and I have yet to find the loving mate I hope for. For this reason, I got desperate. We must choose carefully the times we allow our feelings to show. Most men cannot deal with female emotions, expecially early in a relationship and this was my mistake.
Timing has also been a very important factor. At times, I still feel my timing is off. At what point in the dating cycle do I tell a man about my past life? I have tried to wait until the guy has begun to draw closer than a friend, for I felt this protected me. After all, until sex enters the picture, it is just friendship. Often, after I tell him, he believes I have tried to deceive him and gets angry.
I have chosen the path of telling men before we meet and have also seen it fail. One advantage to this way is I have little emotional involvement with them, but the big disadvantage lies in the blow it gives my self-esteem, if they should choose to reject me. At first my response was to take it in stride, but after many such rejections, it has become harder to accept.
I find, as a transsexual female, that I am bound to a law. That law is that what others think will always have an effect upon me. I may choose to let it change my behavior or appearance in an attempt to avoid being viewed as male, or I can allow myself to go into self-loathing, but I must deal with the feelings that arise.
The lesson I have learned is that rejection may have nothing to do with my appearance, and everything to do with the individual who makes the evaluation. While "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," it is also true that gender lies in how the mind perceives it. This lesson brought some pain. I know I have yet much to learn about myself. That is truly the task of a TS-to know oneself. To reach the place where contentment can be found in being a transsexual female. Finding a man who will love who I am, and who I was, will not create this state. Contentment lies within and that is where I must search for it.
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