MY COMING-OUT

Whenever I hear in the news about a baby that has been found dead, wrapped up in a garbage bag, and left in some alley, I pause and consider that, but for the grace of God that is where I might of ended up. If I had not been born in a male body, the chances are great that I would never have been adopted at two weeks of age, but have been another unwanted child. This is what I believed because, as a child, I was told by my parents that they were so thankful that God given me to them. They were unable to have any more children and they wanted another boy. I was told that I had been rejected by my un-wed birth-parents and even by my maternal grandmother. I believed that when my mother was planning to keep me, my grandmother would not allow her to come home with me. I was given up for adoption.

Since birth, I have learned to live out the falsehood that I feel like a normal boy, although I never did quite fit in with other boys. All of my life, I have done whatever was necessary to be accepted as a male. I have become an expert at this play-acting to the extent that when I first told about my desire to be accepted as a woman, everyone was so surprised. No one could ever recall anything about me that would have created any doubt about my feelings of belonging. I lived the lie in order to be accepted. But, down deep inside, I knew that I was a female.

I feel no anger toward my mom and dad, for they raised me as I appeared to be, a male. It was my own fear that motivated me to deny who I am and to live a life that was a fake. I had never admitted my feelings, to myself or anyone else, because of the fear of rejection. I do not regret my life, however, as a male. I have raised three wonderful children and seen them become adults. I believe that my life has not been a mistake up to this point. However to continue this facade any further would be a great error. I need someone who can provide the support that a female requires.

I am confident that by living as the female I am inside, The further purpose, for my life, can be fulfilled. God has yet to reveal to me fully what that purpose may be, but I do know that, as a Christian, my part is to "...visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction..." (James 1:27). I was miserable in my role of a man. If I could live for half of my life, pretending I am happy in the role of a man, then I am sure that there are others that have probably done the same and need to hear of my experiences.

I realize that the changes that will take place will be difficult to accept for many, including my own family. People have known me as a male for so long. I would wish for everyone to consider just how difficult a decision it was for me! It has taken over forty-three years for me to come to grips with it. I intend to remain open to anyone who chooses to remain close to me. I know that some will not accept it and I harbor no ill will toward them. However, those who really know me will recognize that my character has not changed.

Perhaps, too many Christians are busy trying to find the wrong in other's lives.If they would be more sensitive to God's Spirit's leading they would be able to recognize those who are hurting inside. I believe that God's love is an unconditional love and reaches out to all who are in distress. Although I may be an idealist, the true Christian has the kind of love that, when they don't understand why things are that way, they will seek God before making judgement. May we all seek to minister to those who hurt.

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