"I’ve always believed that a man is never truly attractive unless his neck is thicker than his head"

Quentin Crisp, The New York Diaries.

These days we may well say a man’s pecs must be larger than his shoulders. You may not agree with this but when was the last time you had sex with someone who had an captivating personality but an unappealing body?

Pecs in the Media

The March edition of OutRage critically examines the current gay male obsession that a large, heavily muscular build is the ideal. Quoting various recent authors the wide ranging article gives some context to the appearance of increasing numbers of the well built on Oxford Street. But throughout the magazine there is only one partly obscured image of a fatter male. While appearing to criticise the muscle fad, Gay mags are frequently one of it’s primary sources.

Our survival as an emerging species was due partly to our ability to notice visual shapes and fast moving objects. Slow changes are almost imperceptive to our normal sensory detection.

The media, with its fast paced images or its eye catching layout depend on this characteristic in seeking greater profits. OutRage has frequently informed us that their sales drop whenever a woman is on the front cover and are boosted should it be a cute boy (or two). That is part of the society we live in. But we don’t have to blindly follow such precepts. The consequences if we did are quite negative, even fatal.

The illegal use of steroids to help gain muscle bulk can cause liver tumours, jaundice, fluid retention, high blood pressure, severe acne, trembling, genital shrinkage, infertility, baldness and breast development (in men). All most unattractive. There are also psychiatric, "roid rage", and two recent Sydney murders were directly attributable to steroid-induced jealousy.

Racism Amongst Us

The short documentary "China Dolls" (ABC TV 9pm 19 Feb) examines the racism issue in the Gay scene. Many Asian men are rejected on spurious grounds of being too short or too slight or not cool whereas really they were rejected because of an underlying racism. Visiting a Gay bar was an exercise in being "seen through" - the Asian male wasn’t so much rejected as not even noticed. If the blonde, white beefcake is the object of desire then many Asians felt they were near the bottom of the desirability ladder. Therefore also, many Asians would not find other Asians sexually attractive. Thankfully these circumstances appear to be changing.

Alternatives

Once we recognise this obsession as a construct and that there are alternatives, we can start to take control and choose the sort of life we want.

It is interesting that many Lesbians, having rejected the role set for them as sex objects for the heterosexual male, tend to exhibit a wider range of body shapes and dress styles. It is a pity that many gay men are yet to catch up.

Perhaps it is because many Lesbians seek partners not a catalogue of sexual encounters. If all the sex you have is casual, one night stands, then having a hot body is the only criteria for selection. Personality, attitude and moral values are irrelevant.

So if an obsession with the body image is wrong, or misleading, then the direct opposite, that what you look like doesn’t matter, I feel is also wrong. We are a visual society and gain a large amount of information about someone by their visual appearance. Not just their body shape, but the clothes they wear, how they are worn, their body language and facial expressions are all elements that give us clues.

The Fat Boy Speaks

Why I, and so many other people, am fat is a complex issue. But two ideas frequently ring true. Many fat people fear rejection in all aspects of their life. This fear, frequently first germinated from the "fatso" schoolyard abuse, feeds a negative cycle of behaviour. By cushioning themselves from these hurts with a protective layer of fat, they are rejected more and more by society and continue to grow fatter to protect themselves even more. The other factor is a desperate craving for love. Food becomes a substitute for this love and in many, comes to replace it. Genetic, eating patterns, poor exercise and low self esteem are among other contributing factors.

I used to wish that someone would love me for who I am on the inside (the warm, caring, gentle, sensitive, intelligent genius I fooled myself into thinking I was) and not the obese slob I saw in the mirror. The thing I have learnt is that although someone may initially be attracted to you physically, it is your personality, your soul, that they come to love or reject.

So how one looks is a code, a cipher, to assessing and understanding what someone is like as a person. But it is a fallible code.

Another alternative is the various movements that reject the mainstream image of desirability. Chubby chasers, bears, the leather scene are all alternatives you may wish to investigate. "I love the feeling of being totally covered, totally smothered by a very large man" said one chaser to me. Those movements may be for you. However, I tend to find that with the bear movement one example of the ideal is replaced by another. If you are happy with your body size, your body image, then that is great. Although I do find many fat men sexually attractive, I personally feel that I need to be thinner to be attractive. That is why I’ve taken steps to loose fat, increase my exercise and address my sense of self esteem. The sad fact is that almost no one appears to be happy with their body image. A young man believes that by building up his "thin, weedy body" he will cure his self esteem problems. Sadly this won’t work unless he also works on addressing his issues of low self esteem and confidence. Many people also find the very slim waif look incredibly attractive - I certainly do. The important thing is to learn to love your self, both physically and emotionally. But gaining self esteem is one of the hardest tasks for those who’ve lost it.

Responses welcome: E-mail Robert Henderson at robauz@hotmail.com