How to Get Hitched

HOW TO GET HITCHED

We all just want to be loved but finding someone to share our life with can seem hopeless. Robert Henderson investigates and offers some radical and controversial suggestions

In the May edition of OutRage, only half a page out of seven pages gave any worthwhile advice on how to find a husband. Lance Leopard did give one relevant point however: don’t confuse trade with potential husband material. OutRage did significantly better this month in addressing the many pitfalls and difficulties that gay men have in finding a partner. But neither of these issues would give the bewildered and single much guidance on what they were doing right or wrong in their search. This month’s issue may have explained some of the many reasons why many gays have difficulties in finding partners, such as a lack of role models or the lack of support for relationships in the scene, but does not give concrete steps on how to get started.

Whilst OurRage’s audience is squarely targeted at gay men, finding the right sort of partner is just as difficult for Lesbians as it is for Gay men. As a general rule, Gay men have difficultly making commitment to relationships but Lesbian’s can tend to jump into commitment far too early. These symptoms stem from the same difficulties in finding a partner.

The problem with looks

If you are after trade, your prime criteria is how does he or she look. Are they hot? Do you like the same things in bed is also important? Two masochists together would have a very dull time. But other aspects, such as similar interests, personality, gentleness, decency or career prospects would be irrelevant for a one night stand.

The problem is, we often get so hung up on looks that we ignore other aspects in selecting a partners. One guy I know is turned on only by a particular sort of cubby guy; preferably similar to John Goodman or Mickey Robbins. But when he applies that same criteria in looking for a partner, he excludes a vast range of men who would share similar interests. Specific looks should be practically unimportant in your partner. You will come to love how they look in time. But what often happens when we go out is that, without realising it, we apply the same visual criteria in our selection. So therefore we may reject someone as they are too old or young, don’t have the right body type, have a different dress style or a bad hair cut. But we get all excited when we meet someone whose physicality pushes our buttons (what ever those buttons may be). This often happens when we look for partners at the bars as they are usually too noisy to talk and one ends up just going by looks.

Are you ready?

Take a good look and ask if you are ready for deep intimacy with someone. If you were a victim of abuse or you have drug dependency problems (legal or otherwise), you should seek professional help to deal with these issues. Also there are a series of barriers to getting very close with someone. These include low self esteem; trying too hard to be what the other person wants you to be; not being able to communicate your feelings; not being able to draw limits or setting those limits too high; having false expectations of the perfect, romantic relationship; being stuck in the past with unresolved problems; and placing a too great a importance on the material at the expense of the spiritual. If some of these sound like you then perhaps you should try to work through them before you seek a partner. The references at the end of this article can help.

What should I look for?

It is incredible that if you ask what someone wants in a partner, their reply is frequently a very vague "good looking with similar interests". We spend lots of energy in the hunt but practically nothing at all in choosing our quarry. The other response is a shopping list of varied detail that practically exclude most prospective partners well before they have had a fair go.

In choosing a partner, you should be seeking someone with some similar interests and a similar lifestyle to your own. Some differences are exciting but if you are too different, all you will get is lots of conflict. For example, if you are a big, sporty, football player, perhaps you should be seeking someone else who is also athletic, not a waif into classical music. At least your slim chappie should be willing to share some physical activities with you and the footy player should enjoy the odd indoor activity. As Tina Tessina says "Our similarities give us a sense of comfort and security whilst our differences are a source of excitement and growth".

Where should I look?

Frankly, you should not look for a partner at Heaven, the Meridian Club or other bars. They are great places to go out with friends and have fun. But unless they are a particularly important aspect in your life, ie you just love to dance all night, the single people you are likely to meet there are those who are really into booze and drugs, those with nothing better to do or those just looking for a one night stand.

The problem is complex. You may have heard the frequent advice not to go looking. This reflects the generally held view that the "desperate hunter" look is very unattractive, except to all the wrong sorts of partners. While this is true, the advice not to go looking isn’t completely true either. Before I cover how to find a partner, it is pretty important to first work out what sort of partner you want.

Finding and selecting a partner

There is no reason why selecting a partner cannot be applied rationally. We rationally reject all sorts of people as partners (he’s abusive, she’s dominating, I cannot stand his taste in music) so we should apply that same rationally in coming to some conclusion as to what criteria is important in a partner. The off shoot to this is that you will focus of different things to just their looks and their career in selecting him or her.

Instead of running around madly at every gay venue in town, get your life and health together (there is nothing quite so attractive than radiant good health) and do all those sorts of things you enjoy but never seem to find the time. If you are into cars, perhaps you could do a car maintenance course at the TAFE. Join the local horticultural society if gardening is your thing. Whatever it is, do some activities that relate to what you really like, but keep your eye open for anyone else there who might also be gay. We are everywhere and you are after someone with some similar interests to yourself. When you find a suitable prospect, drop a hint or two about your sexuality and if you click you are well on your way to going out on your first date.

Although it won’t happen immediately, remember your main purpose is the activity you are interested in not hunting, when you least expect it they will pop up. When they do, although it may sound like copying heterosexuals, don’t be a rush to have sex. Go on a date instead, such as a movie and coffee, so you can get to know each other first. When the time comes, going to bed together will come naturally, so there is no need to rush. We rush to bed together with complete strangers and then reject them on spurious grounds. Or we can confuse the intense feelings we had during sex with intimacy and love. And if you wait a bit before you go to bed, as Mrs Madrigal says in "Further tales of the city", ‘...you might even like the poor dear’.