Hi Jim!

You promised that you would always be my friend, but you may not feel the
same after reading this. I have not heard from you for a while. I suppose
that it is because you do not know what to say to me, or you are already
so disgusted with me that you just don't want to bother.

Jim, the last few months have been very difficult for me, and I know they
have also been very heartwrenching for R____ and the kids. I really love
J____and A____ so much, but I have never been able to express my love.
I have gone through much turmoil and trauma trying to reconcile my
lifestyle with my faith. I believe that I have come to an understanding
of God's grace such as I have never known before. This revelation has set
me free to finally be myself. All my life I have been trying to maintain
my salvation by my good works, afraid that if I slipped somehow I would
fall from His grace. Coinciding with this fear of missing God was also
the feeling that there was something missing in my life. Something so
vital that no matter what I did in life I could not be happy without
whatever it was. Jim I was never really happy, because that something was
not there. I was just living out my life one boring day after another.
Nothing seemed to fill the void. I tried the best I could to be a good
Christian. I so much wanted to please God and do what he wanted me to do.
That is why I always denied and pushed away all desires that I had toward
crossdressing.

I tried to be a good husband and father, although I really didn't really
know how to relate to my wife and family. R____ and I gradually drifted
apart over the years. I never, ever wanted to hurt anyone, let alone the
ones I loved the most in the world. The last couple of years it seemed
that we were just staying together for the sake of the kids. There was no
more love, no more caring. Then in February of 97 R____ gave up hoping for
things to get better between us and cut herself off emotionally from me.
I will admit that I had driven her to it, but there is always two sides
to the story. (Which I will not go into)

I had sought God to help me through my times of trouble when I was
downsized at the Calgary Herald, but it didn't matter what I tried to do
nothing worked and we lost everything. I lost my job, my ability to
support my family, my home and finally my wife and kids as well.

I had no desire to live any more. Nothing made sense to me. I was
drifting in a sea of nothingness. I began to look for something to give
my life meaning and purpose. That's when I began to turn my thoughts back
to the very thing that I had always considered my weakness. My desire to
wear women's clothes. I had dressed partially from time to time over the
years, but always ended up feeling guilty and would ask God to take this
thing away from me. He did not.

It was at the same time that I was trying to rebuild a relationship with
R____ that I confided to her about my need to wear women's clothes. I was
tired of hiding it from her and I thought that if I had no secrets from
her that it might help to heal things. Well as you know, just the
opposite happened. The more she was against my crossdressing the more I
tried to force her to accept me. I discovered that there was no way that
I could give up crossdressing because it felt so right for me. I began to
dress totally when nobody was home. I was buying clothes with the money I
was earning delivering the Herald newspaper in the mornings.

It was at about this time that I emailed you and asked you to pray for me
because I could not pray for myself. I was beside myself. My life and
marriage was coming apart at the seams and I couldn't do anything about
it. It was shortly after this that R____ finally phoned you and told you
what was going on in my life.

I was so happy when you phoned and said that you were coming to Calgary.
You said that God had told you to come and minister to me. You came. We
talked. And we talked. And we talked. A lot of what you said to me made
sense and I really wanted help. And as always I wanted to do what was
right. Then we prayed and renounced, and renounced, and renounced. And we
prayed some more. Then I decided to purge and we had a burning ceremony
that Wednesday night in Bowness park. Jim I reall thought that it was
over at that time. But it was not. I will always appreciate what you
tried to do for me, and the love that you gave so freely to me and my
family. But it did not work.

I could not give up my need to crossdress and as you know one thing led
to another and finally two days after Christmas last year, I phoned
Darrell and told him that I had to leave. I had to get out and I didn't
know where to go.

You also know that Darrell and Leslie gave me a room at their place where
I stayed for a month. I tried to overcome again with their help, but it
was just the same as before. I needed to express my femininity. Darrell
and Leslie were wonderful to me and I love them so much for the kindness
and love that they showed to me. The did not preach at me or try to
coerce me into doing something I didn't want to do. They were just there
for me. But I could not live without being Tanya. So I moved out.

I moved in with Sonya / Gary and have been here ever since. I have my own
room. We are housemates and that is all. As I told you before I am not
gay.

I have been dressing as Tanya almost daily ever since. My friends call me
Tanya, and for the last month I have been Tanya all the time except when
I went to work and when I saw R____ and the kids. The week that R____ and
the kids went to your camp in BC I took the opportunity to be Tanya the
whole week. It was wonderful.

I now go out in the daytime as Tanya. I go to the malls and I do my
grocery shopping as Tanya. Now that I am back at work after being off for
six weeks I go to work as Glenn, I come home, have my shower, and become
Tanya again. I go to bed as Tanya, I get up and have breakfast as Tanya
and then have to be Glenn again to go back to work. I love being Tanya
Jim. I have more friends and am more accepted than I have ever been in my
life. I am beginning to feel good about myself. My self esteem is
beginning to flourish. I want to be Tanya all the time. I love being a
woman. I love being pretty. I love feeling like a woman feels. Jim I have
never been happier in my entire life. I need to be a woman.

I remember as a kid praying to God to perform a miracle and turn me into
a girl. Because of my beliefs as a Christian I suppressed these feelings
all of my life. But now I am finding a new hope and a new reason for
living because I believe that I have found that something that I have
been missing and longing for all of my life. My femininity. I want to be
a woman, and I am planning to live as a woman full time. I also want to
work as Tanya. That is something I have to work out.

Jim I know that you do not understand and can't possibly understand what
I have gone through and am going through now, but I beg you to continue
to love me and care for me and not cut me out of your life. I can
appreciate that you would certainly be very uncomfortable seeing me as
Tanya, but that is who I am. You have only known me as Glenn and I'm sure
it hurts you to see me like this, but I have finally come to grips with
who I really am and this is who I will be.

If what I am doing is a sin, I can only trust in the precious blood of
Jesus and God's grace. The Bible says, "By grace are ye saved through
faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not of works,
lest any man should boast." "If salvation comes by the works of the law,
then Christ is dead in vain." "For by the works of the law shall no flesh
be justified in His sight." "There is none righteous, no not one."
"Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be saved." "For God sent
not His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world by
Him might be saved." Jim please don't condemn me. Jesus didn't. And
doesn't"

In Romans it says that, "when I sin, It is no longer I that sin, but sin
that dwells in my flesh."

(These references are not exact, they are just from memory.)

Jim I believe with all my heart that Jesus came and died for me because I
could not keep the law and be perfect enough to merit eternal life with
Him in heaven. I am a sinner and will always be a sinner until the day I
die. He paid the price of all my sins, past, present and future. Jim you
are also a sinner, and so is everybody else. There is none of us you can
add to what Jesus did on our behalf. In Galatians it says that if we
attempt to keep the law in order to be saved, then we must keep every
part of the law. Every jot and tittle. If we turn to the law for our
salvation, we are fallen from grace. If I were to hope to be saved by not
being a woman it would be a work of the law. And the works of the law
don't save us. The blood of Jesus does.

The law was given to us to show us that we are sinners, and to bring us
to a need for salvation through Jesus. That is the only purpose for the
law. Salvation must be totally by grace or there is no salvation. It is
to everyone who believes in Jesus and the work that he performed on the
cross.

I could go on and on Jim but I must stop. Please don't stop being my
friend. I am a believer just like you. I am a sinner just like you. But
Jesus died for us both and even though we don't see eye to eye regarding
my gender orientation, we are still children of God because of what Jesus
did for us. I believe I am still saved and that God can and will still
work through my life. If I ever had eternal life, I still have it.

Now comes the hard part for you.

I am Tanya, and all my friends call me Tanya. That is what I want to be
called. That is who I am. (Who I have become.) Right or wrong, even
though it is certainly difficult for you, please respect the fact that
this what I want to be called. Unless God should intervene and perform
the miracle that will let me be "NORMAL". Whatever that means, I will
remain as Tanya.

I regret the hurts that I have caused my family and friends and believe
that it is all under His precious blood.

I love you Jim, and I hope we are still friends.

All my love,

Tanya

 

Mail Me: Tanyatg@oocities.com