Albert-Lunde@nwu.edu (Albert Lunde)
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What follows is something I put together for a workshop on
bisexuality. (You may use it in a not-for-profit context,
but please include this notice and the copyright, if you
use it as a whole, or provide reasonable credits for partial
quotes.)
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Bisexuality Notes
=========== =====
by Albert Lunde Copyright (C) Sept 1990, All Rights Reserved
(Albert-Lunde@nwu.edu)
(written for the Chicago Bisexual Political Action Coalition (BiPAC)
and the Homophobia/RCP task force of Wheadon United Methodist Church,
Evanston IL)
Bisexuality Myths & Misconceptions
----------- ---- --------------
Bisexuality does not exist
* Everyone is bisexual.
* Nobody is bisexual.
Bisexuality is unreal
* Bisexuals are
...just going thru a phase.
... haven't come out yet.
... are sitting on the fence.
* Bisexuals are denying that they are really
...heterosexual.
...homosexual.
* The only true bisexuals are people who are equally attracted
to both sexes.
Bisexuals and relationships
* Bisexuals
...are "promiscuous".
...have many sexual partners.
...will have sex with anyone.
* Bisexuals can't form stable relationships.
Name calling
* Bisexuals are have no moral values.
* Bisexuals are immature.
* Bisexuals are unreliable.
* Bisexuality is a political cop-out.
Threats of Bisexuality
* Bisexuals are responsible for spreading AIDS
...to the "normal" population.
...to the lesbian community
Bisexuality - What's it All About?
----------- ------ -- --- ------
The ways people can experience sexuality form a multi-dimensional
continuum. "Heterosexuality" and "Homosexuality" are not islands, but
regions with fuzzy edges which overlap in "Bisexuality". Different
people would draw their erotic potential as regions of different
shapes on such a map. Some report more flexibility or "choice" than
others. Over time, some people change, uncovering new areas or
shifting in emphasis.
This raises political questions. Gay and straight sexuality are not
equally valued, and some people tell others what they should feel and
how they must "choose".
There are no sharp lines around these regions of experience. People
whose life stories seem similar identify themselves differently. I
want to respect each person's self-understanding, rather than making
rules for who is (or should be) "heterosexual", "homosexual" or
"bisexual".
Thus, I define a "bisexual" using self-identity and orientation. At
the same time, "bisexuality" in the sense of bisexual feelings or
behavior may be present in other people besides self-identified
bisexuals.
My definitions: "bisexuality" is sexual/affectional attraction to
members of both sexes. (As with all sexuality, we may speak in terms
of a person's potential, identity, feelings and sexual expression.) "A
bisexual" is a person for whom bisexuality is an important part of
their experience or identity. ("Bisexual" as an adjective may refer
to either.)
All Bisexuals Make Sweeping Generalizations !
--- --------- ---- -------- ---------------
I've known a number of self-identified bisexuals and am attempting to
generalize in these statements about bisexuality, however "your
mileage may vary".
Bisexuals face some stereotyping and exclusion from both sides
(lesbians/gay men and straights).
While "bisexual" may be a temporary state or label for some people
exploring their sexuality, for others, it is a lasting identity.
I question saying "Everyone is bisexual" or "Nobody is bisexual".
Both deny some people's experience and make "bisexual" a meaningless
distinction.
Being a bisexual doesn't imply one has two sexual relationships at
once. (Monogamy & non-monogamy are a distinct question.)
Being bisexual doesn't imply one is (or can choose to be) sexually
attracted to everyone. Erotic feeling is idiosyncratic, with urges as
diverse as desires for "tall brunettes" or for "non-smoking
politically-active vegetarians".
Being unconventional does not mean one has no morality, values or
standards.
An integrated bisexual identity can have qualities beyond a simplistic
"half and half" mix of gay and straight sensibility.
I can't accept an ethic that accepts exclusive heterosexuals or
homosexuals because they "were made that way", but condemns bisexuals
for making the "wrong choice". To me this "choice" is like asking
"would you like to cut off your left hand or your right hand?".
"Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are!"
---- --- ---- --- -------- --- ---
or "Who was that Masked Man?"
-- --- --- ---- ------ ---
There are a lot of different kinds of closets, passing and disclosure.
Bisexuals share with gay men and lesbians the experiences of living
with a heterosexist society and "coming out of the closet". Yet, to
avoid stigma in the gay/lesbian communities they may find themselves
in a second "closet" where they hide their bisexuality.
Bisexuals are not equally visible. A socially experienced bisexual
may blend into both communities unless they make an effort to be
"out". A bisexual in a long-term relationship who does not advertise
their orientation will be assumed gay or straight.
Almost nowhere is where being bisexual the "norm". Thus, it is hard
to convey by subtle hints that one is bisexual. Even if one wants "to
tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth", this is a
longer story than average.
All Over the Map
--- ---- --- ---
There is no such thing as a "typical" bisexual. As a group, bisexuals
exhibit as much (or more) diversity as gays or straights.
Since bisexuals don't fit expectations, integrating a bisexual sexual
identity is especially challenging. Ideally, this all might be very
simple. In a society like ours that is polarized along male/female
and straight/gay lines, things get more complex.
One source of diversity is the many different histories that may lead
up to calling oneself bisexual. Here are a few variables one might
use to classify personal histories:
* own sex
* orientation of early erotic feelings or actions
(same-sex, other-sex or both)
* age and stage in life when realizing potential
for bisexuality.
for example:
* as an adolescent
* as an "unattached" adult
* during a sexual relationship
* denial vs. self-acceptance
* secrecy vs. openness
* shifts in predominant sexual orientation over time
* political/community identifications
You've Got to Draw the Line Somewhere (?)
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Some in both communities see blurring of boundaries as a threat:
People may see bisexuality as calling their own sexuality into
question.
Conventionally, "We" are normal people (heterosexuals) and "They" are
sexual deviants (homosexuals etc.) with no middle ground.
Heterosexism is a major force for polarizing society.
Gay men or lesbians may have put a lot of effort into establishing
their identity or community, or may be distancing themselves from past
unpleasant heterosexual experiences. Bisexuality does not fit with
separatism.
Bisexuals are seen to weaken the political argument that gay
men/lesbians "don't have a choice".
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I wrote the following for a presentation to a group of students of
psychology and counseling about bisexuality. You may use it in a
not-for-profit context, but please include this notice and the
copyright, if you use it as a whole, or provide reasonable credits
for partial quotes.)
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Bisexuality and Psychology
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by Albert Lunde Copyright (C) Sept 1992, All Rights Reserved
(Albert-Lunde@nwu.edu)
When all you have is a Freudian,
---- --- --- ---- -- - ---------
everything looks like a cigar
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Historically, psychological theories of sexuality have not dealt with
bisexuality very well. Most theories were developed to explain
heterosexuality, and treat homosexuality or bisexuality as
after-thoughts. When it has been addressed at all, bisexuality has
been variously treated as a myth, as a developmental phase with no
real meaning, or as a pathology.
As a bisexual, I have looked at some of these theories in
self-defense, but I find it pretty hard to take them seriously.
Dualistic or essentialist theories of human sexuality can seriously
distort reality.
Even putting people into three categories: "heterosexual", "bisexual",
and "homosexual" (instead of one or two) is a simplification which
ignores other dimensions of sexuality and hides the fact that these
are groups with fuzzy edges, not neat boxes.
Everything Old is New Again
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Bisexuality is real. Bisexual behavior has clearly existed for
thousands of years. At the same time, until a certain amount of
freedom existed for homosexuals, it was difficult to distinguish
between "closeted" homosexuals and "closeted" bisexuals, or between
marriages of convenience and marriages of choice. With the onset of
gay liberation, it became easier to speak of a bisexual identity.
Bisexual support groups were started in several major U.S. cities in
the latter half of the 1970s.
Bisexual organizations continued to exist and spread in the 80s but
had a low profile, perhaps due to fallout from AIDS and the
conservative social climate. However, in recent years, bisexual
organizations have been on the rise, and have been networking
nationally and internationally.
If It's Not Broke Don't Fix It
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Counselors should beware of assuming that a client's bisexuality is
the problem to be "solved" (or conversely, that it is a magic
solution.)
It is unwise and counterproductive to tell bisexual clients they must
"choose" between being homosexual or heterosexual. It is reasonable
for bisexuals to seek to develop an integrated identity that
encompasses all their sexuality regardless of the nature of their
current relationships.
Likewise, one should not make snap judgements about the partners or
spouses of bisexuals.
As a counselor, you have a responsibility to examine your attitudes
toward bisexuality so as not to project them onto your clients. A
counselor is more likely to understand a client of the same sexual
orientation, but since this is not always the case, you should seek to
be informed on the subject so your clients don't have to start by
teaching you "Bisexuality 101".
Realize Your Limits
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If someone is in the midst of a "coming out" process of exploring
their sexual identity, it is virtually impossible for an outside
observer to determine if they will ultimately be gay/lesbian, bisexual
(or even straight.) Your job is to provide support and respect
people's choices, not to predict their future.
There are no sharp dividing lines in behavior between groups of people
who identify as bisexual and those who identify as straight or
gay/lesbian. How people identify is their choice. (I would suggest
that feelings are as important as sexual history in determining sexual
identity.)
Don't Generalize
----- ----------
Bisexuals are very diverse. It would be a mistake to assume they all
fit one or two patterns. (For example, a bisexual married man may have
a different history and set of issues than a single woman who has
dated both men and women.)
There are many different life histories that may lead to seeing
oneself as bisexual.
Bisexuals in long-term relationships can be almost invisible, unless
they "come out" deliberately, because their sexuality is judged by
their primary relationship.
Some bisexuals say they get much same needs met from both men and
woman, others say their experiences of the two sexes are different.
Bisexuals are not always equally attracted to both sexes.
It is a myth that all bisexuals must be involved with multiple sexual
partners. There is as much range and variation among bisexuals as in
any other group. Various bisexuals practice life-time monogamy, serial
monogamy, poly-fidelity, open relationships, one-night stands, and
celibacy.
Try not to not confuse conventional sex roles with sexual orientation.
For example, while some bisexuals are attracted to the idea of
androgyny, others are not. (Jungians seem especially subject to this
error.)
Some bisexuals get support and identity from the gay or lesbian
communities, others feel relatively distant from them. Some bisexuals
are found in other sectors of society that are relatively tolerant of
diversity (for example, science fiction fans or neo-pagans).
Some recognize signs of their bisexuality at an early age; others
realize it only after a pattern of feelings or relationships which
takes them by surprise.
While we may be open to partners of either sex, in general bisexuals
are likely to be as discriminating about their sexual partners as
anyone else.
At the same time, we do not always "choose" the object of our
attraction. We are as subject to attacks of romance or lust as anyone
else.
Coming Out Different
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Bisexuals have many things in common with gay men and lesbians. At the
same time there are some differences that can make our experience
distinctive.
Bisexuals get flak from both sides; we can't take for granted the
support of either the mainstream or the gay/lesbian communities.
As someone said (half joking): "Everybody thinks bisexuals are
perverts".
There are few places where bisexuality is the norm.
If a bisexual leaves a relationship with one sex and enters a
relationship with the other sex, they may risk loosing their friends
and their support network, especially if they have not publicly
identified as bisexual.
A socially experienced bisexual may have two public personas and be
able to function in either community. This, in itself, is not
unhealthy. However, carried to an extreme, this can become a "double
closet" where one is hiding significant facts about oneself in both
places. This can make it more difficult to develop an integrated
self-image.
(This is a consequence of structural bias against bisexuals in
society.)
Coming out as bisexual may be an incremental process of coming to
terms with first one sort of sexual attraction then another, then
trying to live with what society says are opposites.
Coming out as gay/lesbian is more clearly a process of directly
opposing heterosexual socialization. In developing their sexual
identity, bisexuals can't totally reject their heterosexual
socialization in favor of homosexuality, instead they must pick,
choose and synthesize.
Developing a bisexual identity can be more time consuming because of
the complexity of the issues and the relative lack of social support.
It is more difficult to "come out" publicly as bisexual because people
cannot in general infer your bisexuality from your relationships or
other subtle signs. It's difficult to "prove" one is bisexual to
everyone's satisfaction.
It has been suggested that bisexuals sometimes have to "come out" over
and over because people seem to keep forgetting one "side" or the
other of their sexuality.
I suspect that bisexuals are even more likely than gay men and
lesbians to be impatient with the limitations of labels like "gay" or
"straight". Bisexuals are in the middle of a social polarization.
Heterosexism sets up an "either/or"; we tend to respond with
"both/and" or sometimes "none of the above".
I suspect the grace or lack thereof that people have in exploring
their sexuality has to do in part with the variety and flexibility of
the models of sexuality presented to them in advance.
I had the benefit of meeting a few bisexuals early in my coming out
process, so I was always aware of this alternative and didn't always
experience a sharp gay/straight split. But, initially, I felt this was
a rare and exceptional experience. It has taken me a long time to have
islands of this sort of unified community in my life on an on-going
basis.
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I wrote the following as thought-provoking material for a Christian
congregation which already was open to gays and lesbians and was
considering the issue of bisexuality. You may use it in a
not-for-profit context, but please include this notice and the
copyright, if you use it as a whole, or provide reasonable credits
for partial quotes.)
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Bisexuality and Theology
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by Albert Lunde -- Copyright (C) 1993, All rights reserved
(Albert-Lunde@nwu.edu)
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Introduction
------------
This paper is my personal reflection on the theological implications
of bisexuality. I'm speaking to Christian communities who have already
begun to deal with homophobia and heterosexism.
To an outlook that admits the existence of nothing but
heterosexuality, homophobia and biphobia are indistinguishable.
However, there are particular opportunities offered by exploring the
issues around bisexuality, for a mixed community that has begun to
heal gay/straight divisions.
A Complex View of Sexual Orientation
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To understand bisexuality we need a multi-dimensional view of
sexuality. Someone's position on the Kinsey Scale -- their orientation
with respect to the sex of their partner -- is one of many factors
that affect sexuality. And this is not always the most important
factor.
Each person's sexuality is based on an unknown mix of internal and
external causes, of "predestination" and "choice". For some people the
character of their sexuality seems to change over time; for others it
seems relatively fixed. We don't know enough to predict the future for
someone else.
Myths and Half-truths
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Bisexuals are affected by a number of myths and misconceptions, some
of which have implications for a theology of sexuality:
* Bisexuals _must_ be sexually involved with more than
one person at a time.
* Bisexuals "choose" their orientation, unlike Gays
and Lesbians who "have no choice".
* Bisexuals are "confused" or "on the fence".
The Bed-Hopping Bisexual
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My defining characteristic for a "bisexual" person is that they feel
able to have significant sexual or romantic attractions for some
members of both sexes. Recognizing this potential need not imply that
one must have multiple relationships at the same time to be
satisfied.
In our society, bisexuals in long-term single-partner relationships
are invisible, as such, unless they make an effort to be public.
The practices of various bisexuals include: celibacy, life-time
monogamy, serial monogamy, polyfidelity, and "one-night stands". The
same is true of heterosexuals or homosexuals. There are important
questions that can be raised about how to promote positive values in
relationships when everyone does not practice life-time monogamy; but
these are not exclusively the concern of bisexuals.
The "Wrong" Choice
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There is no evidence that bisexuals "choose" their orientation any
more than anyone else. They may choose how to express it, but feelings
of lust or romance are not entirely under rational control. The idea
that "choosing" between same-sex and mixed-sex relationships is
important is based in a heterosexist view which sees gay men and
lesbians as poor unfortunates who would change if they could. In a
more open view, there is no reason to force the issue.
"_You're_ Confused; _I'm_ Bisexual"
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Both homosexuals and heterosexuals are sometimes uncomfortable with
the way that bisexuals seem to cross boundaries. They may mislead
themselves if they projecting these feelings onto bisexuals.
While some people may call themselves "bisexual" while they are
exploring their sexuality, and actually in transition, this is not
typical of bisexuals in general.
Trusting Our Passion
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To put this in positive terms, I think we need a theology which values
human sexuality and relationships as an expression of the best of both
our common humanity and our divine spirit.
There is a strong anti-sexual bias in much of Christian practice which
teaches people to distrust themselves, including their sexuality, and
to rely on external authority to tell them what is right.
We need to reclaim the truth of our self-knowledge.
Passion with Compassion
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Do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with your God.
Be compassionate, as God your creator is compassionate.
Love God; Love your neighbor; Love yourself.
Sexuality is not simply for reproduction, but part of our sharing in
relationship with the rest of creation. The idea that a full
appreciation of sexuality is inimical to spirituality is a fallacy
born of clericalism and asceticism.
Compassion is passion in relationship with another. Our sexuality an
important part of our connection with others.
A Theology of Diversity
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We need a theology which sees equal value in same-sex and mixed-sex
relationships. We need to respect and appreciate our differences
whether they come from innate causes, like race or sex, or lifestyle
choices, like religion. What is best for you may not be best for me;
this does not mean that one is "better" than another.
As a bisexual, I proclaim an ethic which values each person and honors
their ability to make ethical choices; I do not proclaim a single
one-size-fits-all plan for everybody's lives.
"Walls That Divide are Broken Down"
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A common experience of bisexuals is feeling out of place in both the
gay and straight communities. This is the result of the polarization
between the dominant culture and the gay or lesbian subcultures.
A congregation which welcomes people of all sexual orientations and
encourages them to share common life together, can break down this
artificial polarity.
In this situation, the open participation of bisexuals is much more
natural; they can be seen as "bridge-builders" rather than
"fence-sitters".
I think welcoming congregations should not approach the idea of
bisexuality as a reason to put some people into a third "box". Rather,
I call for a vision of community which encompasses each person's whole
self, and breaks down the walls which divide us.
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--
Albert Lunde | Interfaith | *Y*Y* "A branch on the
Albert-Lunde@nwu.edu | Bisexual | *Y* tree of life"
lunde@mcs.net | Feminist | ......|.............................
| | http://www.mcs.net/~lunde/home.html
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