Summary of the discussion
A point was made that a Master has to satisfy a slave to keep him, but can't act like he is trying to do that. He needs to meet the slave's needs, needs to know where the slave's heart is at. It was also noted that needs and wants are different, and a slave may not know what he needs. This can place tremendous pressure on a Master if he's not comfortable in the role. A scene is energy/power exchange. Sometimes delayed gratification, withholding orgasm or affection can be a major source of energy. Playing with power can be a major way to keep the relationship interesting.
In addition, participants noted that too many people have an unrealistic idea of the leather scene, and assume it is like the books and movies, but it's not. It's reality, and that's very different, especially in long-term relationships. People comparmentalize, the scene is one thing, the relationship another, It is not a scene 100% of the time.
Paying attention is affection, or spontaneous hugs, almost anything can be important validation. Take the time, give strokes (physical or emotional).
If communication is good, the bottom can teach the top, but probably the top has to encourage the communication. He can set the tone. But some noted that the relationship should be 50-50, both parties are equally responsible. It's more difficult to do that in Master/slave, because of the subordination. Couples handle it in different ways. Example: Master orders slave: tell me exactly what you are thinking. Some people deal with outside relationships by having rules, such as, the bed is for the couple only. Others are monogamous.
Keeping variety in a relationship is essential. Familiarity destroys fantasy and mystery, so people have to work at making things interesting.
Question: Can dependence be love? A key component for Masters and slaves, as there would be a tendency toward dependence.
Being a top/bottom can change behavior, orientation, by changing the way one relates, one can be different with different people.
Validation is key. People need to validate each other constantly, by acknowledging each other, in their roles, in some way, complimenting, reacting to a move. The successful relationships seem to do that. Attitude keeps it hot. 24/7 can be full time foreplay. Renewal is key. Make Master/slave the default setting of the relationship. Communication is important, love, trust, respect.
The slave's commitment to his role is what makes it work. A Master commented that he likes surprises that honor a slave's committment. Hourly reminders of that relationship can be helpful.
A scene is not the same as a relationship. Relationship = commitment, humor, sharing a moment. Some said slaves don't want lovers, that's the conflict.
In a close relationship, what happens is, if the two are one, then you're in a relationship of the spirit.
We can perceive love without affection, they are not the same.
The scene has to be more than fantasy. What came across from the couples present was a depth of commitment and a union of spirit. But they have to work to keep things interesting, if they do, then things can easily go well. People need to keep from getting into a rut.
At the January 20 meeting, Dr. Charles Moser gave a detailed presentation about the various health risks and how to protect oneself and one's partner from them. Dr. Moser has extensive knowledge in this area, and gave us a good summary of the do's and don'ts for leather players. Many people have misconceptions about what is safe and what is not, and it behooves everyone to get the right information about how to play as safely as possible.
At our December 2nd meeting, pyschologist Michael Bettinger presented a talk on "S/M - The Personal Journey". Michael is a professionally trained psychotherapist with more than twenty seven years experience helping individuals, couples and families to explore a wide variety of challenges and life issues. He is also an avid gay motorcyclist, who has experience in counseling clients on issues around SM, kink, and leather, as well as on other lifestyle matters and relationships. He has been open in professional settings about being a gay man since 1972. This has given him insights and experiences into the nature of how it is to be a gay man and a member of a sexual minority within this culture.
The focus of his presentation was his idea that S/M is one way that people go through trials and exploration similar to what Joseph Campbell wrote and talked about in his discussions about the importance of myths. While the S/M exploration has a different context, it possesses many common elements to the kinds of rituals people of various cultures may have as part of their traditions. S/M rituals may be different than what Campbell had in mind, but leather people are fulfilling similar needs. In addition, leather people go through similar stages as the hero of a myth would do, in pursuing and enduring their explorations and trials. Michael's web site
At our November 3rd meeting, Cleo Dubois presented a talk and demonstration on "Bondage and Rope Magic". Cleo talked about the various materials one can use, such as rope, straps, leather, and webbing. She also discussed the various safety concerns, such as using quick-release clips, and being careful not to bind at areas such as the knees, and to make sure position is varied throughout the scene. For more information, go to her web site: Cleo Dubois Academy of SM Arts