Uppdated Sept 16
To steal ideas from one person
is plagiarism,
to steal from many is research.
Oh, how true. Don't you ever read email from oter people, who
have those little funny quotes and punchlines in their
signaturres,
wondering where they get them, and why you don't have any?
Well, I have collected (stolen) a few and tried to list them
here,
by categoty or something like that.
I will continue to put new ones here now and then, so why
don't
you drop by and have a look again, sometime?
Computers
Work
Skydiving
Cynism
Good advise
Other
Basic knowledge
| LAST LAW OF PRODUCT DESIGN: If you can't fix it, feature it. |
| PROGRAMMER'S DILEMMA: If you do exactly what the customerasked for, but the result does not meet the customer's real needs, you will probably be blamed anyway. |
| I haven't lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. |
| Documentation is like sex: When it is good, it is very, very good and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. |
| Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases. |
| Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean? |
| A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium? |
| A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer. |
| There are two major products to come out of
Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. |
| Press any key... no, no, NOT THAT ONE! |
| Backup not found:A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure |
| Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner. |
| Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? |
| In /dev/null no one can hear you scream |
| Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine. |
| Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't befixed... |
| The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching
should therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. |
| UNIX is a very user-friendly operating system... it is just picky about who it's friends with. |
| Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so! |
| A bus station is where the bus stops A train station is where the train stops At my desk there is a workstation... |
| Mondays: The potholes in the road of life |
| Ideas work if you do. |
| No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong. |
| Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. |
| Excitement is positive fear. |
| "Sounds dangerous...count me in!" -Alan Sheppard, 1st American in space. |
| I belong to the sky. Unfortunately the earth keeps insisting I return to Her. |
| Never trust anyone below two grand! |
| Man uses only 11% of his brain. The fact that makes extreme sports possible. |
| Drive fast, pull low, and date your riggers wife! |
| Going low is a rush, it's just not practical. |
| Take it on down, Turkey. Hell aint half full! |
| The biggest part of a skydiver's body is the ego. |
| The sky's not the limit... The GROUND is! |
| When people look like ants - pull When ants look like people -pray |
| A good skydiver can o only fly his own slot... ...and one other. |
| The bigger they are The harder they hit you. |
| Sometimes you're the bug... Sometimes you're the windshield. |
| Remember when sex was safe and skydiving was dangerous? |
| If riding in an airplne is flying, Then riding in a boat is swimming. |
| I live with fear and terror, but sometimes I leave her and go skydiving. |
| If at first you don't succeed...so much for skydiving! |
| Whadaya mean you can't land that canopy? God aimed the whole damn planet atcha! |
| The superior skydiver uses superior judgement to avoid situations that call on superior skill |
| A false sense of confidence is better than none at all! |
| I wouldn't say danger is my life, I prefer to think of it as a hobby. |
| Dangerous? He's a crater waiting for a grid reference. |
| There I was: Terminal at 800 ft, running out of ripcords and ideas! |
| Never look for bargains in parachutes, brain surgeons and life assurance. |
| Skydivers know why birds sing... They don't have to pack every fucking time they land! |
| The best things in life are DANGEROUS! |
| Skydiving: It is not just a matter of life and death
... It is much more important than that. |
| The best drug in the world is still adrenaline |
| It was a great skydive. Weather was fine, formation was good and stable, level okay... and then came the exit. |
| The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. |
| You never really learn to pray until you start
skydiving. You never really learn to swear until you learn CReW. |
| Anyone can fall out of an airplane, skydivers just do it right. |
| "Veni, Vedi, Velcro" I came, I saw, I stuck to it. |
| I'm immortal - so far. |
| A man is as old as he feels. But never as important. |
| Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening. |
| Beauty is unly skin deep, ugly goes to the bone. |
| If you want your name spelt wrong, die. |
| Life is a sexually transmitted disease. |
| Say it with flowers - give her a triffid. |
| Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. |
| The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. |
| The only gracious way to accept an insult is to
ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it,it's probably deserved. |
| All that glitters is not gold. All that doesn't glitter isn't either. |
| Without life, you have death, without death you have
taxes, your damned if you do and your damned if you don't. |
| Variables won't, constants aren't. |
| It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. |
| I'm not totally worthless I could serve as a bad example. |
| Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives. |
| Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again! |
| Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. |
| Whenever things sound easy, there is always one part you missed |
| Someone who smiles when things go wrong just thought of someone else to blame it on. |
| HOROWITZ'S RULE: Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection. |
| WEILER'S LAW: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself |
| LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. |
| HOARE'S LAW OF LARGE PROBLEMS: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. |
| MOLLISON'S BUREAUCRACY HYPOTHESIS: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented, it wasn't worth doing. |
| If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence thatyou tried. |
| The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a "No Exit" sign. |
| Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun. |
| Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. |
| It doesnt matter if you win or lose unless you lose. |
| Anything is possible... unless it's not. |
| It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem. |
| Common sense ain't so common. |
| A conclusion: The place where you got tired of thinking |
| Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. |
| For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. |
| No one is listening until you make a mistake. |
| Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. |
| To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research. |
| Two wrongs are only the beginning. |
| The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. |
| Too bad that all the people who know how to run the
country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. |
| The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important. |
| Always be sincere Even when you don't mean it. |
| Always tell her she's pretty, especially when she isn't. |
| Love Thy Neighbour - But don't get caught. |
| Make it as simple as possible,but not simpler. |
| When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. |
| Never go to bed with an itchy butt. You'll wake up with a stinky finger! |
| Quality is when your customers comes back to you and your products don't |
| I intend to live forever or die trying. |
| Never sign a contract including the phrases sort of, kind of, or and stuff. |
| Absolute zero is cool. |
| It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. |
| Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. |
| Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. |
| My feeling is that, while we should have the deepest
respect for reality, we should not let it control our lives. |
| Order breeds habit while chaos breeds life. |
| A man who doesn't make mistakes doesn't make much of anything. |
| All generalities are always wrong. |
| Don't be afraid to be different you may be better that way. |
| He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at solar eclipses without one of those boxes with the pinhole in it. |
| Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. |
| I'm not working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. |
| When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad I'm
better. (Mae West) |
| If you're going to do something tonight that you'll
be sorry for tomorrow... sleep late! |
| Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. |
| Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today, you can do it again tomorrow. |
| I'd give up this women thing, if you didn't look so damn good naked. |
| Resisting temptation is easier when you think you probably will get another chance later on. |
| MAE WEST'S OBSERVATION: To err is human, but it feels divine. |
| If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space! |
| Living: It's the only thing worth dying for. |
| Dyslexics UNTIE! |
| In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. |
| Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. |
| The next best thing to saying a good thing yourself, is to quote one. |
| Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit. |
| It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. |
| If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward. |
| It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. |
| When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. |
| Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. |
| Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... |
| There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. |
| Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? |
| Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. |
| A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. |
| For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. |
| I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. |
| Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. |
| There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. |
| Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? |
| If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! |
| What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. |
| Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. |
| We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. |
| "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." |
| Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. |
| I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. |
| The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. |
| Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. |
| I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. |
| "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. |
| The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. |
| Electricity comes fromelectrons; morality comes from morons. |
| A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. |
| Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. |
| If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. |
| What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of living high. |