First Time (TNG, Voy, Crusher/Kim, m/m, NC-17)

Disclaimer: Star Trek in all of its incarnations belongs to Paramount. This story comes from my own smutty little mind. No copyright infringement was intended.

Warning: I have written here what I believe to be a sweet story of sexual exploration for two beautiful young men. If this might offend you, or if you're under 18, please read no further.

Summary: This is a Starfleet Academy story set between The Next Generation episodes "The Game" and "Journey's End". Wesley Crusher and Harry Kim are roommates that become more than friends.

First Time is set in the same universe as two of my P/K stories, Awakening and Affirmation. Those stories have little bearing on this one except that Harry is, uhh... rather well endowed. Thanks go to Joanne Collins, in several of her stories Harry mentions that he and Wesley were Academy roommates. Of course, that got me thinking, and you all know how a slash writer thinks. So no one gets upset, I got Joanne's approval before I started writing the story, plus she beta read the thing, okay?

Feel free to archive and pass on to like-minded friends, but please make sure my name and disclaimer remain intact.

Comments and feedback are always welcome, but please, no flames for using the character of Wesley Crusher. I already know that he's not a popular person with a lot of fans.

First Time
A. Kite (1997) Akite68163@aol.com

"Harry, have you ever been with a man before?" Tom Paris' voice whispered.

"Yes. Yes, I have," Harry whispered back.

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Cadet Harry Kim shifted the load he was carrying to glance again at the padd. Yes, this was it, Quad C, Room 304. New year at the Academy, new roommate, he palmed the door open.

"Hi," a voice greeted him, "let me give you a hand with that." A case was unceremoniously jerked out of Harry's hand.

"Hey, be careful with that," Harry admonished. "That's my clarinet."

"Sorry," the young fair skinned man answered. He led Harry to the unoccupied bed, and set the case down carefully. He waited until the Asian had set his bags down and held out his hand. "I'm Wesley Crusher."

"Harry Kim," was the other cadet's introduction. Harry shook the proffered hand firmly and recognition lit his face.

Wesley pulled his hand back slowly, "Yeah, I'm that Wesley Crusher. The one that was kicked out of Nova Squadron.

Look Kim, if you want to put in for a room transfer..."

Harry interrupted, "Hey, let me get to know you first. Then I'll make a decision." Those words sealed a friendship that grew with leaps and bounds.

As their friendship grew so did a certain physical attraction. Nothing overt at first, just more touches than usual between friends. An arm thrown across a shoulder, a clasp of a hand to accentuate a point. Until the night a freshly showered Harry emerged from the bathroom. A towel wrapped around his waist, and his hair still damp and tousled. Wesley watched as Harry crossed the room. Couldn't take his eyes off of him. Gods, he was beautiful.

Harry dropped the towel and turned to find the fresh pajamas he had laid out. The turn brought his uncovered genitals into Wesley's view. Harry noticed his friend's intent gaze. "What's wrong, Wes? You never see another guy naked?" Harry asked. He saw Wesley flush red as he tried to pull his eyes away, before Harry saw where he was looking.

Harry smiled. He knew that Crusher was looking at his cock. Though in locker room showers, the looks were usually more circumspect, Harry was used to it by now. "Yeah, it's big."

Wesley turned even redder, all the way to his hairline. Harry noticed the bulge under Crusher's robe. He was familiar with sidelong, curious looks, but the look in Wesley's eyes was... desire?

Harry had always been the curious type himself. So, he took a deep breath and said, "Come 'ere Wes." He held out a hand, and Wesley came to him. Harry pulled the slighter youth closer.

"Harry?" Wesley whispered close to his ear as they clutched each other's shoulders.

"Shhh... Wes, let me..." Harry whispered back as he pulled away a little and untied the belt on his friend's robe. He eased it off the shoulders. Oh, all that ivory skin was flushed now. Harry couldn't help himself, he quickly eased Wesley's briefs down and let his trapped erection spring free.

Uncertain as how to proceed from this point, now that they were both naked, Harry sat down on the edge of his bed. After a second of hesitation, Wesley sat too and turned to face Harry, "What do we do now?"

"Uhh... Wes, can I kiss you? Harry asked tentatively.

"Yeah, I think I'd like that."

Slowly, the young men brought their lips together, brushing lightly at first, giving each other time to change his mind. When neither pulled away, the kiss deepened. Harry parted his lips inviting Wesley's tongue inside. They kissed for a long time, each making careful explorations of the other's mouth. Without realizing it, they were lying on the bed. The discomfort of lying crossways on the narrow surface brought awareness back. By unspoken assent, they shifted until their heads were resting on Harry's pillow.

Harry drew Wesley to him until they were touching the full lengths of their bodies. The pair moved together. The feel of skin on skin, and their erections rubbing together caused shivers in both of them.

Wesley pulled back looking into Harry's eyes, seeking permission, "Can I touch you? You know, can I touch it?"

Harry felt another surge of arousal. There was nothing on earth he wanted more right now than to feel his friend's hand there, and to touch his friend back. "Oh gods yes, I want you to, and I want to touch you too."

Wesley blushed again and nodded. He wondered how he even had enough blood left in his head to blush. Harry's hand slipped down his body, and Wesley felt the fingertips brush his cock and over his balls. He gasped and reached his hand down to grasp Harry and squeezed lightly.

Harry bucked his hips at Wesley's touch. It was so good. They knew just how to touch each other. How to seek out what felt the best and do that over and over.

Wesley quickly found the rhythm and just the right combination of touches to make Harry moan out loud. Who would have known that the seemingly quiet, shy cadet would be so vocal? The sounds Harry was making turned him on so much that soon he was letting out small noises of his own. He rubbed his thumb over the head of Harry's cock again and again just to hear the pleasure sound he'd make.

Very quickly they were coming, the long hard shudders of youth. Harry came first with Wesley just a few seconds behind. Then Harry did something that really surprised Wesley. He brought his wet sticky hand up to his mouth and started licking Wesley's semen from it.

Harry saw the shocked look on his friend's face and shrugged, "I want to see how it tastes."

"So?" Wesley asked as he watched in fascination at the obvious expression of pleasure on Harry's face as if he were savoring something really good.

"Oh, kind of salty and bittersweet. Hard to describe really."

What the hell, Wesley thought and brought his own hand up to taste. After licking his hand clean, he found that he liked it and wanted more. A thought stuck him, and he looked down. There was more on Harry's stomach and around his .... well, if he doesn't want me to, he can always tell me to stop.

It was Harry's turn to be surprised as Wesley slid down and licked at his stomach. It tickled at first, but in a good way. The tongue moved lower and flicked in and out of his navel. Harry gasped out a tiny, "Oh," at the sensation. He was getting hard again.

Wesley smiled against the smooth skin of Harry's stomach and flicked his tongue into the navel again just to see if Harry would make that sound again. He did, but it was breathier and more drawn out. He made long strokes with his tongue on the lower belly above the line of pubic hair until his chin bumped Harry's newly hardening cock.

Gods, this is fun, Wesley thought, getting the taste of what he was beginning to crave and making Harry make those sounds. He moved his mouth lower and licked Harry's balls clean. Boy, did that make Harry moan. I bet I can get him to come again, he thought as licked up the long stem of Harry's erection. He flicked his tongue over the head paying special attention to the slit that was starting to leak precome again. He stroked his tongue down the backside and back up to suck the tip into his mouth.

Harry cried out and bucked his hips involuntarily when Wesley drew his cock into his mouth. Wes pulled back quickly, afraid of being choked. "Sorry, please don't stop," Harry pleaded. I didn't mean to, I just couldn't help it. Please..."

Harry's begging, pleading words were very arousing to Wesley. "Please what Harry?" he prompted.

Harry was too far gone to be embarrassed. For some reason Wesley wanted to hear him say it, "Please suck my dick, Wes. Make me come." Once the words were out Harry realized why his friend wanted him to say it. It made his cock even harder, if that was possible. He stretched out on his back and brought his hips up off the bed. He put all his need into the next plead, "Oh baby, please suck me. It feels so good."

This was all the encouragement Wesley needed. With one hand on the base of Harry's big cock, and the other on his hip to discourage movement, he brought his mouth down again. It wasn't long before Harry was filling his mouth to overflowing with hot, salty semen. He swallowed as quickly as he could to keep from wasting any. He held the last spurt in his mouth as long as possible. Then slipped his mouth off of Harry's softening cock and looked up at his friend.

Harry opened his eyes when Wesley's mouth left him to see Wesley watching him. Wesley moved up and Harry felt his hard flesh against his skin, and whispered, "Your turn, okay?"

"Oh god, please," was the desperate reply. Harry proceeded to do everything to Wesley that had been done to him. Wesley wasn't as noisy as Harry had been, but did make a wonderful whimper when Harry pulled his cock into his mouth. Then Harry relaxed his throat and took in Wesley's whole erection. Harry wasn't sure exactly how he did it. It seemed to happen naturally. What a reaction it caused, Wesley cried out Harry's name and came and came. The spasms lasted a long time.

Harry moved up and held Wesley's quaking body close until the shivers stopped. "How did you do that?" he heard Wesley ask in an awed voice.

"Do what?"

"How did you, you know, swallow my whole dick like that?"

"Jeez Wes, I don't know. It's not like I've ever done it before. It just happened." Harry was getting embarrassed now and started to untangle himself from Wesley.

"Don't go, Harry. I didn't think you had, err... done it before. It was fantastic, and I thought if you could tell me how, I could try it next time." Wesley stopped talking then continued hesitantly, "Uhh... provided there's gonna be a next time."

Harry pulled him back closer to look into Wesley's eyes, "Of course there's going to be a next time. You think having done this once that I could resist?"

Wesley smiled at the younger man's enthusiasm and gave him a one armed hug. "I guess we'd better get some sleep, who knows what they'll throw at us tomorrow," he said as he disengaged himself. He slipped out of Harry's bed and picked up his discarded robe and underwear.

Harry watched as his friend walked over to his own bed and pulled back the covers. He got himself under the covers and called for lights out. "Good night, Wes."

"Night, Harry."

The change in their relationship never revealed itself outside their room. Outwardly, everything was what it appeared to be, roommates that rarely crossed paths during the day. Though, one thing was clear to Harry's classmates, they didn't dare mention the Nova Squadron incident or voice any criticism of the participants around Harry Kim. When the topic was raised, usually by someone unknowingly, Wesley Crusher and everyone else involved had a staunch defender. Not that Harry felt that Wesley was innocent of wrongdoing, he knew that everyone involved had already paid for their mistake, some were still paying for it.

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Harry was wakened by Wesley's voice. Softly, Harry called out, "Wes?" When he heard no answer, he asked for ten percent illumination. Wesley crying out again got Harry on his feet. Wesley was moving restlessly, tangling the covers around his legs. Obviously, it was a nightmare.

As Harry was crossing the room, Wesley sat straight up and yelled, "Josh! No!"

Harry moved quickly to Wesley's bedside. "Wes, wake up. Wake up Wes," Harry said as he gently shook his roommate's shoulder and lowered himself to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Oh god, no!" was cried out. Harry put his arms around Wesley, and he heard him saying in a very small voice, "Harry?"

"Shhh... You were having a dream. Just a bad dream."

Wesley pulled Harry closer and held him tightly. "Oh Harry, I wish it was just a dream. Josh was dead all over again, and it was all my fault," he gasped out.

Harry moved his hand up and down stroking Wesley's back, trying to give comfort. "No Wes, it wasn't all your fault. You know that," Harry said quietly. He held his friend and rocked back and forth, soothing him with gentle hands and voice until Wesley's breathing calmed.

Harry loosened his embrace and lowered Wesley back down on his pillow. "Scoot over, I want to lie down too." He nestled in close and asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Wes shook his head, "No Harry. It's too horrible."

"It's okay, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I just thought it might make you feel better."

"I don't think anything would make me feel better right now."

Harry didn't say anything, but he thought he could offer something to ease his friend's pain, for tonight anyway. Then maybe he could sleep without the dreams. Harry started stroking Wesley's back again just like before. Slowly, he let the touches become lighter, more sensuous. His hand moved lower until he was also caressing the firm curves of Wesley's ass.

Wesley lie there passively, enjoying the feel of Harry's hand for a while. Then his own hand started returning the touches. He had a thought, "Harry wouldn't this be better without our pajamas in the way?"

"Yeah, it would," Harry answered. He stopped his caresses long enough for them both to slip off their sleepwear. They laid back down face to face. Harry didn't hesitate in returning his hand to its interrupted occupation. His fingertips skimmed over Wesley's cheeks again, and he felt Wesley shiver.

Wesley wondered how the younger cadet knew all these things. How to make someone as hard as a rock with just one touch? How to make him forget there was any such thing as Nova Squadron and bad dreams? He moved his hand and touch Harry's ass too. He had an idea and shifted in dual purpose. He gave Harry's fingers better access and brought his mouth to Harry's chest. He knew that girls liked to have their nipples licked so maybe guys did too.

Harry had to stop running his fingers along Wesley's cleft when Wes started tonguing his left nipple. He let out a gasp at the sensation.

"You like that?" was asked in an amused voice.

"Gods, yes!" was Harry's answer.

"Good. Now just relax, Harry. Let me do this. I'm gonna make you feel so good."

"I wanna make you feel good too, Wes," Harry protested weakly.

"Oh you do!" You do Harry, every time I can get you to make those moans, he thought as he gave Harry an exuberant kiss. He reached under his pillow and retrieved the small tube he had stashed there.

"What's that?" Harry asked.

"It's lubricant. I use it sometimes to, you know ...," the words stopped, and Wesley used the time old gesture to indicate masturbation. "Harry, I want to do something we haven't done before. If I do anything you don't like, tell me okay?"

"Okay," Harry answered with a shiver of anticipation. He already figured out where the lube was going. He rolled onto his side a little and moved his outside leg.

Wesley smile appreciatively, "Ready, are you?" Wesley laid back down and propped himself up on one elbow. He kissed Harry and licked the outline of his lips. Harry had such kissable lips, full and soft. Wes squeezed some of the lube onto his fingers and reached behind Harry to resume his ministrations. He spread the cool gel liberally between the other cadet's cheeks, causing him to jerk and moan.

Harry lie there with his eyes closed getting hotter by the second. His friend's fingers carefully and teasingly explored the outside before slipping the tip of one finger just inside his opening. Wesley's mouth was busy back at his nipples. He thought he might come before Wes ever touched his throbbing cock.

Cautiously and gradually, Wesley worked his fingers inside Harry. It was a gorgeous sight to see. Harry was totally engrossed in sensation. Wesley pumped his cock with one hand and finger fucked his ass with the other. Harry was rocking his body harder and harder until he came with a strangled cry.

Wesley eased his fingers from Harry's rear and leaned over him. He started lapping the semen off Harry's skin as Harry tried to recover his breath. "Fuck me, please," Harry wheezed out between gasps. He took an exceptionally big breath and turned onto his stomach. "Wesley, please ... I need you to fuck me, right now," he urged as he brought his knees up under him.

Just seeing Harry in that position almost made Wes come. He couldn't resist. He moved between Harry's legs and grabbed the lube again. The older cadet coated his aching cock and brought it up to Harry's opening. Wesley slowly pushed himself just inside, trying to be just as careful as he could. He felt the clenching muscles relax a bit and pushed a little harder.

When Wesley had his whole length buried in Harry, he paused and whispered, "Harry, are you alright? Does it hurt?"

Harry raised his head and tried to answer. It did hurt, but it felt good too. How to say that he didn't know. Harry felt his friend shift and start to withdraw. "No, don't pull it out," he managed to say. Harry moved back and pushed Wesley's cock back into him, hard. Both of them gasped at the impact. Harry rocked forward and back, fucking himself with Wesley's cock until he got the idea that this was what Harry wanted.

Wanted, hell. Want wasn't adequate to describe what Harry was feeling. The pain had ebbed away with each new thrust. It was even better when Wes started moving too.

Wesley knew he wasn't going to last long. Gods, it felt good. So tight. So hot. Both of them were groaning loudly, rocking together. "Ohhh... Harry. I'm gonna come," Wesley moaned out not sure if he should pull out or stay inside.

"Come for me, Wes. Come in me. Pump my ass full." Harry felt as if he'd gone crazy. His cock was fully hard again and leaking from the tip. All he could think of as Wesley fucked him harder and harder now, out of the rhythm they had set, was that the feel of his friend shooting inside him would bring him off too.

It didn't happen that way exactly. For suddenly, Wesley reached around and grabbed Harry's erection. Just the touch of Wes' hand brought Harry to climax. Harry yelled out and bucked hard against Wesley. That's all it took for him to come too.

The next thing either of them knew, they were lying with Wesley still on top, both of them panting. Wesley wrapped his arms around Harry and gave him a squeeze before he rolled to the side. He forced himself to look Harry in the face. His fears were unfounded, Harry was lying there with a look of contentment and a happiness that seemed to radiate outward.

Wesley guessed his relief showed pretty evidently on his own face. Harry smile and said, "Gee Wes, I'm all wet and sticky and way too tired to do anything about it. You wore me out." The words were only too true, already Harry's eyes were drifting closed.

"It's okay, Harry. I'll clean you up," Wesley responded. Then he got up and went to the bathroom. Once there he washed his own genitals, noting, thankfully, that there was no blood on his penis. He had really intended to be gentle with Harry, but Harry hadn't let him. Wes sighed, gods, it had been great. He pulled himself away from those thoughts and wet a cloth for Harry.

Harry had rolled over on his back and appeared to be asleep when Wesley returned. He looked so beautiful lying there. His hair tousled across his forehead, and the aura of contentment still surrounding him. Wesley felt a tightness in his chest. He didn't even want to think of what it could be, though deep down he already knew. He washed Harry off quickly, and he stirred. Wesley quietly said to him, "Harry turn over."

"Hmm?" Harry made a querying noise and opened one eye.

"Turn over, I need to wash, you know, back there," Wesley couldn't help but blush over the awkward words.

"Oh okay," Harry said dreamily and turned over. Wesley felt very self conscious as he brought the cloth up and wiped the evidence of their activity away. He shook himself out of it. Stop being stupid, he told himself. You just had your dick in there. The least you can do is clean the guy up.

Wesley pushed the cloth into the 'fresher and walked back over and looked down at Harry again. He supposed that he could go sleep in Harry's bed and turned to do just that. He heard faint words and turned back to his bed. "What Harry?"

Harry sat up and stated in a much clearer voice, "I said, please don't go. I want you to sleep here next to me," and patted the small space still left on the bed.

Wesley felt his heart constrict again. He got into the bed. Harry moved over to make room for him, and then snuggled close to his side. Wesley kissed Harry's forehead and felt Harry smile again. "Thanks," Wesley heard him whisper as his eyes closed again.

Quietly, Wesley told the computer to turn the lights out. He lie there in the darkness trying to find sleep again. His mind wouldn't let him. Thoughts whirled around him as he threw an arm over Harry and held him closer. He had done it. He had fucked another man. Fucked Harry, and now nothing would be the same again.

Everything they had done together before now could be put off to experimentation, hormones, something to be expected. This was different. Not just a release for two horny young men, it was ... had been... Wesley was still reluctant to even think it. Lovemaking, he hadn't just fucked Harry, they had made love. He never thought that he would, that he ever could, love another man. Not that way, but how could anyone that ever got to know Harry not love him? With that revelation Wesley's tension eased, and he joined his lover in sleep. The dreams didn't return that night or for many others after that.

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Several times a week, not every night by any means, one or the other would go to the other's bed. Sometimes before going to sleep, and sometimes during the night. On the nights that Wesley had nightmares, Harry always came to him. Soothed him. Usually with sex and always with love, though neither of them ever said those words, not out loud anyway.

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Harry wasn't sure what he had done wrong or even if he had anything to do with it. Gradually, he felt Wesley distancing himself, talking less. They still had sex, but not as often. Harry knew it wasn't someone else. Wesley hadn't gone out in weeks, not with girls or any of his few friends. He seem to be slipping away from them all.

Harry had even taken Wesley home with him for the holidays, thinking back now. Wesley had shared his bed, not using the guest room at all. If Harry's parents found that unusual, they didn't comment on it. They had plied "the boys" as they called them, with good food and cheer.

Harry didn't think he'd ever forget that time. He lost himself in those thoughts as he walked the early spring pathways of the Academy grounds. He really should have been in class, but review for a test on shield harmonics was not on his mind. His mind was on how Wesley turned one night and offered himself for penetration.

Lying in his own bed, in his own home, the second night of their holiday, the two cadets had kissed one another breathless. They had been together long enough now to feel comfortable enough to ask for what they wanted. Though, it was still so new, so wonderful that it was anything but routine. They were always finding new ways to pleasure each other, but they hadn't ventured this yet.

"Harry," Wesley whispered as his ardent lover's lips drove him to distraction. "Harry!" he said louder, trying to keep his head clear so he could say it. Feeling doubly glad that Harry's parents' room was on the other side of the house.

Harry lifted his head from Wesley's chest, "What?"

"I want... I want," suddenly he was unable to voice his request. Wesley bit his lip and turned over on his stomach. Surely, Harry would understand such a blatant invitation. Just in case, Wesley spread his legs.

It was Harry's turn to be struck speechless. He felt dizzy and light headed, maybe because all his blood had rushed to his groin. Harry reached out a shaky hand to caress his lover's back. "Are you sure?" he was finally able to say.

Wesley nodded his head and handed back to Harry the tube of lubricant he had secreted away.

Slowly and carefully, Harry prepared his friend. He kept his mind intent on the task. Not thinking of what he was about to do, knowing he'd have to keep himself in control. Control, you have to keep in control, he told himself over and over. The last thing in the world he wanted to do was to hurt Wes. He was so big though, that it was a real possibility. It was going to be difficult too. Wesley was pushing back onto his fingers, making low throated whimpering noises.

Harry slowly withdrew his fingers and grabbed his own pillow to put under Wesley's hips. He over generously greased his throbbing erection and positioned himself. He pushed inside and heard Wesley gasp. Harry knew this part was going to hurt, but hopefully not too much. "Wesley, hang on, hang on baby. If it hurts too much, tell me. I'll stop," Harry promised.

Harry was right. It did hurt. Wesley clenched his teeth, determined not to cry out. If he did Harry would stop. He chanted Harry's words over and over in his mind, "Hang on. Hang on." Soon the burning pain changed to a different type of burn. Wesley knew the restraint Harry had himself under. He was only allowing himself very shallow thrusts with no where near his whole cock.

Wesley turned his head to see Harry's face. Yes, he was right. Harry was biting his lip in fierce concentration. Wesley rose up onto his knees, forcing Harry deeper inside him. It felt good now. So good. Filling him up. Nothing had ever felt this way for either of them.

Harry sat on a bench, not really noticing the beautiful flowering plants around him until a familiar voice interrupted his reverie.

"Ah, Mr. Kim." It was Boothby, groundskeeper at the Academy since James Kirk was a cadet, sitting down beside him. "Something's troubling you," he said with eerie perceptiveness. "It's Wesley Crusher, isn't it?"

"How...?" Harry looked up at him astonished.

Boothby's gruff voice gentled and he shrugged, "People talk to me. Tell me things. He's leaving, you know."

Harry nodded and willed the tears that came to his eyes away.

"It's not easy for him. Perhaps the hardest decision he's ever made, including decision to tell the truth about the Nova Squadron incident." Boothby took Harry's shoulder and turned him to face him. "He loves you, Harry Kim."

Harry's voice caught as he whispered, "I love him too, but he doesn't know that. I never told him. Now I can't ever tell him."

"He knows, Mr. Kim, he knows," Boothby nodded his head and moved to get up. His air of irritability settled over him again. "Well, I have work to do, and I suggest you get to class."

Harry grinned and said, "Yes, sir." Knowing now the truly caring person behind the gruff exterior the groundskeeper affected. He leisurely strolled to his next class, and he had the time to do so. The class he missed hadn't let out yet.

The next few weeks were as bittersweet to Harry as the taste of his lover on his tongue. At Spring Break, Wesley was planning to join the Enterprise under the guise of visiting his mother. Harry debated whether to force the issue or not. Wesley still hadn't told him that he wasn't coming back, and Harry hadn't let on yet that he knew. Wes was still withdrawn and sullen most of the time. That's what the debate in Harry's mind was about. There was so little time left, and he wanted to spend it with Wesley.

So the decision was made. Harry came out of the bathroom as he had all those months ago. Wesley was pretending he wasn't watching this time. He sat at his desk under the pretense of studying. Harry pulled on his robe and crossed the room headed for the 'fresher with his towel, then changed course.

Wesley shifted in discomfort as Harry's approach, but refused to turn and face him. He shrugged away Harry's hands on his shoulders, "I'm busy, Harry." Harry didn't leave. He tightened his hands on Wesley's shoulders. Wesley sighed in exasperation, "What do you want, Harry?"

"I want to know when you were planning on telling me," Harry said quietly.

Wes turned in surprise, "Telling you what?:

Harry shook his head, "Don't pretend. Please, let's not pretend anymore."

Wesley's eyes filled with tears. Harry dropped to his knees, and pulled his friend into his arms. "I'm sorry. Oh Harry, I'm sorry. I thought if I didn't tell you, then you wouldn't hate me". He took a breath and continued, "I thought... oh Harry, I'm so mixed up. I thought by the way I've been lately, you wouldn't care if I came back or not."

"Can you tell me what's wrong? I know you've been unhappy here," Harry asked.

Wesley pulled back and smiled a little. "Well sit down, and I'll try. It may not make sense, though."

Harry got up off of his knees and sat on Wesley's bed as Wes swiveled the chair around. Wesley began, "You know my parents are, were in my dad's case, in Starfleet." Harry nodded. "All my life that's what I thought I wanted. I didn't let anything get in my way. I always had to be the best at everything. I took my first entrance exam for the Academy, way too early."

Harry watched as Wesley leaned back in his chair, and the memories played across his face. "I failed, of course. God Harry, if you think I'm bad now," he shook his head and grimaced. "I was so full of myself. Captain Picard made me an acting ensign, and I got to pull bridge duty and help out in engineering. I even helped save the ship a few times. The way I acted back then, you would've thought I saved the ship single handedly every time there was a crisis."

"The other kids on the ship couldn't stand me. They called me 'Weasley' behind my back. I thought they were just jealous. That I didn't need them as friends. I was friends with the Second Officer and the Chief Engineer. Boy, did they humor me," Wes snorted. "Sometimes I wonder how come no one pushed me out an airlock."

"Then when I got here and made it into Nova Squadron," he shook his head again. "Sometimes I wish they had kicked me out too after what we did. I realized afterward that by the time I was a senior, I'd be just like Nick Locarno. Thinking I could do anything, even kill someone and never answer for it. I've been thinking that maybe I was wrong... maybe being in Starfleet isn't what I want to do with my life." Wesley stopped talking, not sure what to say next.

"Harry being with you has been... oh, I don't know how to say it. The best and the worst thing about this. Harry didn't look angry, just nodded prompting him to go on. "The best because you've been here for me even when I pushed you away. The best," Wesley blushed a little, "cause when we, you know... you make me feel so good." Wes lowered his voice, "You make me feel loved." There he had said it.

"I do, you know," Harry responded.

Wesley nodded, "Yeah Harry, I know, and that's what makes it the worst too. I don't want to leave you. It's been tearing me up inside. I know that I'd graduate and go on to an assignment, and you would still have to finish. We wouldn't be together anyway. It's hard because I love you too."

Wesley rose and went to sit by Harry on the bed. "I know it's not fair for me to ask, but Harry, please love me. Love me till I have to go."

Harry turned and buried his face in Wesley's shoulder. They held each other tight and let the tears flow. Finally, Harry raised his head and gave his answer. Still choked with tears he said, " I'll love you way past that, Wes. I think a little part of me will always love you."

Wesley got up and got them some tissues. They wiped their eyes and even chuckle together over blowing their noses. They looked each other in the eyes and stood slowly. Harry took his robe off and helped Wesley out of his uniform. They took a long moment just to look, and Harry whispered, " Make love with me, Wes." They did. They made love sometimes slow and tender and other times frantic and hot. The two cadets slept in each other's arms every night until there were no more nights left.

Harry didn't go to see Wesley off. They had agreed. When Wes left their room for the last time that would be it. No displays of regret in front of others, a quick kiss and a shared smile was their goodbye.

Harry aimlessly walked the streets of San Francisco for hours. He should go home. See his parents, but didn't want to explain why he didn't go on the trip he had planned for the break. Suddenly, a tour of Asia didn't sound as exciting as it had. He wasn't sure what to do with himself. Stay here and wallow in self pity and remorse, go home and have to explain his reason for being there, or just go ahead and go on the tour even though his heart wasn't in it.

Harry ended up wallowing for a few days then joining the tour late. One of the people in the group was Elizabeth Walker, Libby. Harry hadn't paid much attention to her or anything really, until the tour was almost over. She, on the other hand, seemed very interested in everything, and Harry Kim in particular. In his state of mind, Harry just went with the flow. When the tour was over, and they returned to San Francisco so did Libby.

Libby was there for Harry everyday. He never told her what his heartache was about, and she never asked. Theirs was a comfortable relationship that seemed to move on its own, from strangers, to friends, to lovers without much discussion. Then Harry graduated, got assigned to Voyager and was gone ...

The end