Chapter Eleven: Hannah's Story



I tapped my delicately painted nails across the arm of the chair as we sat in the departure lounge of the airport. Mom wasn't exactly happy with the idea, but her spirit to resist things had faded long ago, probably because of me, and she didn't put up any form of a fight. William simply asked for a postcard or too, I promised him I would come through. I could still feel eyes on me as we sat in silence, but I think maybe I was just been paranoid, nevertheless I hid under the comfort of my jack and black eye makeup (which meant people never approached me, which suited me fine)

Brian was beside me, his head deep in a magazine, it almost seemed that, like me, he was trying to hide, though I knew his was a more flattering reason.

Our flight number was called for boarding, and we both stood up at the same time. I thought silently to myself 'Florida, release, here I come' and I hoped I would never look back.


(3 Months Later)

The air was crisp as I jogged down the sidewalk, humming in my head of the song that blasted through my Walkman. I'd met all of Brian's band mates, including his cousin who was adamant he went to school with a cousin of mine, Kelly, whom I had no recollection of. The others were cordial, but I spent as little time with other people, destined to find myself because I succumb to been what 'they' expect me to, my ultimate trap it would seem.

I'm not sure how he managed it, but Brian convinced me to see a therapist and I'd agreed. I'd met her 3 times now, and I truly believe the release was what I needed. A clinic in Orlando also made me see that my eating disorder was about control and conforming, which deep down I always knew, they convinced me I can eat and still have control.

I'm still having to struggle with Ana, and I think I always will, because it's a part of me, sometimes I find myself craving the relief of throwing up, or the control of cutting myself, my dark thoughts sometimes cloud over into actions, but slowly I'm beginning to hold it together. And in the thick Florida heat I find myself smiling.

I stopped at the gate of Brian's house, punched in my access number and starched my legs as the gate opened. I pushed the close button and walked on to the churning sound of the electric gate. I practically skipped up the stairs and let myself in, the door was open, Brian's car in the drive.

I heard not a sound as I closed the door with a click behind me. I looked around and decided my best bet was the living room. I strolled in, flexing my arms as I walked, and sure enough Brian was sitting on one of the chairs, his eyes reading a book of some sort.

"What's that?" I questioned, walking past the back of him around to the kitchen where I grabbed a glass of water and downed it in one go, and filled it a second time
He hadn't replied to my question, so I asked it again. For the first time since I walked in, he looked up, it was then I noticed the trails of tears in his eyes.
"What's wrong?" I questioned, worry filling my expression
"How could you?" he spat, using his left hand to fling the book around in the air
"What? What did I do?" I replied, confused by his outburst
"You killed Hannah, You did that to her, the same as you did it to yourself" he hissed, his tone harsh, a side of Brian I'd never known
The shock of his words was unexplainable, the anger in his eyes indescribable.
"I don't know what your talking about" I cried
He threw the book he'd been holding to the floor, and stormed out, slamming the front door behind him. I stood there dazed for a while before I heard the sound of a car engine, then the gate.

I looked down at the foreign object of the floor, then reached down to pick it up. It had a floral print cover with the words 'Journal' printed on the front. I opened the front cover and read.
Property of Hannah Brown-Littrell
I looked at the hyphenated name strangely, something about it, something strange.

The year was 1997 - I was a Junior. The diary began.

I started college today, though I should have already been through this. I am over a year older than all of the others here, but they kept me back as I missed most of my original junior year because of the operation, which I pray not to relive. The day was hideous, all the new ones ignored me, and the ones that vaguely knew from last year starred at me like I had aids or something. Sometimes I just want to be accepted.

January 22nd THAT'S IT!! I'm tired of been so fat and ugly! I tried out for the Cheerleading team today, I have no idea what possessed me to even imagine that I could. There were so many girls better than me, the captain, Lisa Smith almost laughed at me, I swear. There was one girl who seemed as nervous to be there as I did, she was lovely, very pretty, I wish I looked like her, her name was Piper. She got in, I didn't, but she seemed very nice, it turns out we're in the same English class, perhaps I'll have a friend after all.

I looked down at the perfectly slanted writing, I remember that day, and I remember that girl, but surely it hadn't been Hannah? In my mind I saw the girl, she was small, not fat, but not skinny, she wore glasses, thick ones as I remember, like coke bottles, she barely talked, and sat by herself most of the time. I shook my head, it couldn't have been Hannah, I would have recognized her, wouldn't I?

I carried on reading, skimming most pages, I stopped and re-read an extract dated the 30th March.
I thought we'd been friends, I thought that she actually gave a damn about me. I don't blame Piper for ignoring me now, she's going to become popular, that's obvious to see, she'll be the Prom Queen, Head Cheerleader, everything, she's pretty enough to be, I wish I was like her. I'm going to start a diet today, no more junkfood, that shouldn't be too hard, I'm sure I'll be able to do it, and I'll keep a record, and I'll run every morning, I'll do it (I hope). It's not that I blame Piper for ignoring me at lunch time, I don't know what I was thinking to actually think she'd hang out with me, it's one of life's lessons, Pretty people live in pretty worlds surrounded by other pretty people - I don't belong in that world.

No, it can't have been Hannah, I never knew Hannah Littrell, the name doesn't ring a bell at all, surely I would have remembered. I thought back to the name on the front cover - Hannah Brown.
"Oh my god" I muttered, I did know Hannah Brown
My hands shook the book, I knew who she was, and she had been right, I'd ignored her.
"Oh god, no" I cried, burring my head into my hands

Hannah had been a strange girl at the best of times, at least she'd come across like that, there'd been rumors going around that she had been kept back a year - they were obviously true, though I didn't know why she had been - we'd spent a little time together after the cheerleading meeting, but once I was accepted and she wasn't, I was strongly determined to become one of the best, and to do that I had to look the part. I hung out with the popular crowd and ditched everyone else - including Hannah, my mouth gaped, I'd wanted so much to be popular that I had done so much more than just ignore her - I knew the worst was still to come.

I skipped ahead a few pages, all of which were lined with dates, weight, measurements, how much she'd run and how much she'd eaten.

I decided today in English I would talk to Piper, she was sitting behind me with Annabelle (another cheerleader) - it is possibly the worst thing I'd ever done. When I approached, she stiffened in her seat, like she was embarrassed by me. When I said hi to her it was Annabelle that replied "Don't the elephants usually sit down the back" she giggled, then looked at Piper who'd said nothing in my defense and smiled casually.

I'm UGLY and FAT and I HATE MYSELF, the diet isn't working so I will not eat at all, I'll punish myself for been such a beast

I dropped the book, it was true, it was all true.

My hands shook uncontrollably, I'd caused Hannah to die, it was my fault, as Brian had said, I killed her.

I ran up stairs tears streaming from my eyes like nothing I could control. I fell onto the bed where I slept and curled up like a fetus still in the womb. I felt sick to my stomach, I'd spent months blaming others, blaming others expectations and views and actions for my problems, what I was too blind to see is that someone was doing the same about me, maybe there were others like Hannah, others I'd destroyed, other's I'd killed.

I stumbled into the bathroom and flicked on the light, I stood in the doorway and stared down at the toilet. I was loosing control, I needed it back. I slammed the door shut and emptied my stomach with a wrenching pain that I knew all too well. I shook on the tiled bathroom for probably 10 minutes before pulling myself up and flushing the toilet. My whole body was shaking, trying its best to keep me on my feet. I leaned against the wall for support as my head spun around in circles, the vile from my stomach fiercely burning the back of my throat and boiling through my nasal passage, they type of feeling only someone whose thrown up so many times can relate to. I splashed my face with cold water and my eyes were drawn to the medicine cabinet behind the mirror on the wall.

I opened it, my hands shaking, my vision blurred with stinging tears. I reached in, knocking all sots of medication from the cupboard, there were painkillers, muscle relaxants, creams, condoms, toothpaste. I pick up a small round bottle and squinted to read the label, they were sleeping pills, I remembered Brian had told me on the road he sometimes found it hard to sleep and had to take sleeping pills. I took the bottle and ran back to my room. I closed the door and fell down against it in the dark room. I fumbled with the lid, my hand shaking to much to hold it properly. The lid popped off spilling some of the contents onto the ground. I scooped up what I could and swallowed them dry, it was hard, but I'd down this sort of thing before so it was not impossible.

I curled up in a ball beside the bed and cried myself into the thick darkness that later enveloped me.


(3 Hours Later)

Brian slammed the front door, double locking it behind him. He'd gone to Kevin, told him everything, trying to find something that made sense. He'd told Brian that Piper probably never even remembered such a thing happening, and that she probably never realized that she had such an effect of Brian's beloved cousin.

Brian wanted to argue, but he knew it was probably the truth. He looked around the house, it was silent, he assumed Piper had gone to bed, and while he would have normal gone to see her, he simply could not bear to. He walked into the lounge and picked up the Journal from the chair. He saw the other on the table, untouched, and a new one. He flicked on the reading light and settled down into the chair, he flipped to the day where he'd learnt she was sick again.

There was another Journal sitting untouched on the table, a newer one, a 2001 date stamped on the front. I picked it up, it's black leather giving away very little as to its contents.
He began to read

I'm on my knees again
For you I cry
I'm on my knees again
For you I'll die
You cannot beat something that is you, you cannot pretend to be well when you are sick, I am sick and shall never be well, until I die.

Another page, another entry.
Life has dealt me blow after blow as I struggle to be what society claims is normal, I'm so lost to what normal is, so I fear I'll never be that way. People try to help, like my beautiful cousin, I treasure him and will miss him sorely when I go, he is about the only person that can love such a monster that I have become.

Today something extraordinary happened and for the first time I realized perfection is not an option, it does not exist. Piper Charmers is not perfect, the girl I held up on a pedestal my whole life is as, whether she believes or not, insecure and I. Ana too has gotten hold of her.

Still another, a day later

I cannot blame my life on those who did not know they controlled it. I cannot blame Piper, nor any of the other beautiful people for my coming death, because perhaps in the same way I studied them, they studied others, then where does the blame end? I am not angry, rather sad, Piper to me had everything, yet she lacks the same I did - the ability to see that. I will offer myself up soon, die gracefully and I pray painlessly, as I've been through enough pain in my life. I cannot live anymore, I cannot go on with Ana eating away at me, so I pray to God to take me away now - I am ready to depart, but with one final wish,

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
God grant me this wish, but bestow such things not on I, but on Piper. God grant her the serenity, courage and wisdom to change, and to live.

I pray now, and lie in wait for the end.

Dear god, as you take me, please grant Piper the will to live, for I know she has the strength to stop those who will die after me

That was the last entry, Hannah's last words were not of blame, as Brian's had been toward Piper, they were of sorrow and of realization she wasn't the first to die, and she might not be the last. Hannah never blamed Piper, never believed she was to blame, only that she had the strength to change things - the same as what she'd said in the letter to Brian. He leant his head against an open palm and closed his eye as a single tear sprung from his eye.

Piper wasn't to blame anymore than he was, Hannah had known that, now he'd too seen that.
He took the book in his hands and took the stairs in two's. He knocked on Piper's door, but no response came. He turned the handle and to door creaked open in the still night.

His eyes adjusted to the darkness but the bed was empty. In shock he flipped on the light, thinking she'd left. He scanned the room, she wasn't in bed. Then his eye was drawn to the other side of the bed, where behind the cover of the bed he saw a single bare foot. He ran around to the other side of the bed and stopped dead in his tracts as he stood at the toes of a clearly unconscious Piper.




Chapter Twelve
Contents

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