CHAPTER 11 – HAPPINESS?


Howie rushed in the direction the nurse had pointed him, when he mentioned Eve’s last name. He stopped dead in his tracks as he saw a distraught Eve standing, starring out into a window, her hands leaning up against the glass.

“Eve” he said softly as he approached
She spun around, a look of fear plastered in her eyes.
“Howie, what are you doing here?” she replied fixing her arms around her thin frame
“I was worried sick about, thank god you’re alright. What happened?” he inquired reaching to embrace her
She welcomed his touch with thankful eyes as he held her tightly.
“Eve, what happened?” he repeated
“There’s something about me you don’t know Howie” she sighed pulling away from his embrace “Something I’ve never told you” she took a deep breath determined just to get it all out, she turned around, back to facing the glass, Howie following her eyes with his own. “That boy in there, is my son, Luke” she whispered quietly
“You’re son?’ Howie repeated, unsure of what he just heard
Eve nodded slowly wiping back the tears.
Howie backed away, unsure of what to think or what to do.
“Why didn’t tell me?” he mumbled
“I didn’t want to involve you, I didn’t want to scare you” she replied, her eyes fixed on the small boy “Look Howie, I understand if you want me gone. Just walk away, and just do it now” she huffed quietly
“I'm not going to walk away Eve, not ever” he smiled wrapping his arm around her shoulders

~ THE NEXT DAY ~

“You know its about time we moved you out here, those painters took forever” Kristen smiled as she helped Tara lug her possessions out into the sleep out flat across the back yard
“I was comfortable in the house, I don’t want to put you out or anything” Tara replied dumping her suitcase onto the bed
“Don’t be silly, this is perfect for you, your own bathroom and bedroom, you are entitled to some free time” Kevin remarked moving the set of draws around to one end.
“Can I stay out here with you?” Sammy laughed bounding about the flat with childlike stamina
“Sometimes, I'm sure, if you’re allowed” Tara replied

~ AT THE SAME TIME ~

“Are you alright?” Nick inquired emerging from the downstairs gym as Alicia strolled past
“Ah yeah, I'm fine” Alicia replied
“You seem distance” Nick remarked
“It’s nothing” Alicia mumbled
“Ally” Nick purred wrapping his arms around her body, breathing in the scent of her very being.
His lips melted down her neck, focusing on various spots that usually made her toes curl, but now seemed to be of no importance to her. Nick ignored her semi coldness, his hands exploring the length of her upper body, taking in everything as if he was studding her body for an exam.
“I love the way you feel” he muttered between strategically placed kisses.
His tongue circled the base of her neck, before she pushed him away.
“I'm sorry Nick, I'm just not in the mood” she replied softly, as if afraid of his touch on her body.
“Ally, what is wrong with you?” Nick huffed in annoyance
“Nothing” she announced “Nothing that you would understand anyway”

~ THAT NIGHT ~

The phone beside Brian let out its dull ring tone as he leaned over to answer it.
“Hello?” he said softly, his attention half on the basketball game on ESPN
“Can I speak to Mr. Littrell please” the voice inquired
“Speaking” Brian responded, taking more interest in the conversation.
“It’s Dr. Rush here, you’re test results have come back”
“Already?”
“They don’t generally take very long”
“And?”
The Doctor sighed loudly. It was this poor guys hopes or his entire practice. Selfishness had always run through him, as he tried to convince himself it was a dog eat dog kind of world, and he had to – no matter who he stepped on – keep his ‘position’.
“I'm afraid it’s not entirely good news” he said slowly
Brian remained silent, unsure of what words would even be helpful.
“It seems you’re infertile. I'm sorry” he continued with faked empathy.
“Infertile?” Brian gaped “But how?”
“Sometimes we cant ever find the answer to that question Mr. Littrell, there are something’s in life you just cant explain. It may be you had mumps when you were younger, it just may be nature”
“Is there anything I can do? Anything I can take?”
“I'm afraid not, I wish there was believe me. If there is anything you need to know, anything at all, please call me” Rush replied, though muttering a prayer to himself that he would see no more of that couple, or their obvious problems.
“No, thank you” Brian sighed, his heart sinking, his head clouded with emotion.

After saying their goodbye’s Brian replaced the phone, now completely oblivious to the game going on in front of him, his eyes firmly fixed on the news that just smashed his ideal life into pieces.

“Who was one the phone?” Leigh Anne inquired rubbing the towel through her freshly washed hair
“Doctor Rush” Brian responded, not even meeting her straying gaze
“Oh, really. What did he have to say” she continued, knowing pretty much what the good Dr would have said.
Brian remained silent for a moment, gathering his thoughts, contemplating his words.
“He says I'm infertile” Brian whispered closing his eyes from the pain it caused him to say those few words
“What?” Leigh Anne responded pulling away from Brian – putting her refined acting skills to the test
“Look we don’t have to take his word for it, we’ll go other places, we’ll think of something” Brian pleaded getting up from the couch and walking over to where she stood
“I cant have children?” she mumbled, the tears beginning to show
“We’ll find a way, get a second opinion we’ll –“
“No, I don’t want that, I don’t want any of that heartbreak, hoping on something that isn’t going to happen. How could you do this?” she snapped
Brian was taken aback by her remark.
“Sweetheart this isn’t my fault. And its not the end”
“All I ever wanted was a happy family Brian, I wanted completeness, I wanted children, and now you’ve taken that away from her” she cried, her hand covering her eyes
“There has to be something, something we can do”
“I cant be here, I cant do this” she mumbled pacing around the room in her faded black jeans.
“Please Baby, I don’t know what to do”
“Leave, get out, I cant look at you” she cried forcefully
Overcome with grief and pain Brian shot out the front door, into the crisp Florida night.
Leigh Anne couldn’t help but smirk to herself.
“God where’s my Oscar” she laughed walking into the laundry and throwing the towel on the pile of others.
Guilt was an amazing thing, you could use it into manipulating almost anything and anyone. You could push someone away, or lock them in for life, and all it took was a little bit of guilt used the right way.

~ AT THE SAME TIME ~

Tara starred out at the almost full moon in the slightly clouded sky. She was standing in the back yard, just looking, trying to find a star she knew she’d never find. When she was little she used to star up at the clusters of stars, and her star, which her father had once told her was actually Venus, would always be there, shining stronger than any other light, it was her stability her guide, and slowly but surely she was coming to realize she’d left that behind – and the shear thought of not knowing where she was heading drove her insane.

Rain slowly began to fall, one drop after another on the perfectly manicured lawn she stood barefoot in. Grabbing up the pencil and pad she had thrown on the ground she hurriedly ducked inside to the small flat she now called home. Kevin and Kristen had insisted that she go out, meet people, as long as she informed them first. They didn’t want her to be an outcast, but the truth was Tara liked her own company, socializing only meant she had to put up an persona that people would like, rather then show them who she really was. She seemed strong, she seemed confident, but underneath all that, she was scared and seemingly lost.

~ 10 MINUTES LATER ~

Brian found himself on another deserted street, he didn’t know where he was heading or when he’d return, the tears were burning against his cheeks as he heard over and over the words in his head.

It was only when he pulled over that he realized where his subconscious had taken him, as he starred out the window, to the dark expanse of his cousins house. He didn’t know why he was there, or what had possessed him to come, all he knew was that there was one person in there that he wanted to talk to, one person that wouldn’t judge him, and that even if they didn’t understand they would listen – and that was all he wanted.

He had the number to open the side gate and as the rain got heavier he found himself standing on the sopping grass in the backyard, starring across at the small flat across the grounds. He thought about turning, about running but his legs only took him closer to the door. He stood there for a while, starring at it, afraid of knocking, but unable to run away.

He knocked lightly on the door, his mind toiling with the idea to retreat back into the night. Before he could leave the door swung open.

“Brian, My God what are you doing out here?” Tara inquired looking at the seemingly drowned person on the doorstep
“I’m sorry, I should go” he replied backing away from the door
“You’re absolutely soaking, come in” she pleaded gesturing him to step inside.
He stepped onto the front mat, his hair flopping down onto his face, and water droplets cascading from his drenched jacket.
“So why are you outside on a night like this?” Tara questioned grabbing a towel from the bathroom and handing it to him
“I’m not sure” he mumbled drying himself off
“Do you want a drink or something?” she smiled
“No, I’m fine. I probably shouldn’t even be here, I’m sorry to have disturbed you” He softly said as he opened the door to the now howling gale outside
“You’re eyes give away a lot Brian, and right now yours seem sad” Tara whispered, closing the door in front of Brian
“Whatever it is, you can tell me” she added gently
Brian wasn’t sure what it was about her, but he believed her, he really believed her.

“I cant have children, everything I wished for has been taken away from me” he cried, dropping down onto the plain couch to the side of him.
“That’s terrible” Tara whispered sitting down beside him
“Ever since I was little I always imagined myself in 20 years with all these little Brian’s running around the backyard, calling me dad, and now I cant have that. I’m infertile, god how can that be?” he mumbled quietly
“Does Leigh Anne know?”
“Yeah, she’s the one that suggested the test. And now she thinks its my fault, she thinks that I’ve done something wrong. If I could do anything to change, I would in a heartbeat”
“This isn’t your fault, its not something you can control, and you don’t have to take one doctors opinion, you can go other places, find other ways, you deserve happiness Brian, I can see that much”
“Sometimes I wonder if happiness ever actually exists or whether its just something we envision to try and hide the shit in everything else”
Tara bit her lip slowly, wondering how she should react. As usually Tara acted on her heart as she leaned over, embracing Brian. He welcomed the hug, wrapping his own arms around her.

“You’ll find your happiness Brian, one day you will, everyone does”

Chapter Twelve

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