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TIME FRAME: SOMEWHERE BETWEEN SEASONS 1 & 2
(Actors and crew were on break. When the staff is away - the characters will play!)
EXT. MIDDAY OUTSIDE SMALL WALLED CITY
Xena on horseback, Gabrielle behind her on same saddle.
Here we are. The Kingdom of Eroticus.
Minor conspiracy against the King. Easy money!
Xena, we’ve been to ten villages in two weeks.
I thought we were going to rest!
C’mon. Piece of cake.
Besides, it’s on the list Hercules gave me.
(grabs parchment and reads)
Xena, this is a scrap list from Hercules?
We’re doing his "B" list work?
It’s things he couldn’t get around to.
You know Hercules can’t take money.
He’s a God.
Hercules was through this area 2 weeks ago.
Why couldn’t he finish this job?
Why didn’t he come back to this place?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
All I know is, it’s on the list and we’re getting paid.
(cocks head curiously reading parchment again)
We’re doing clean-up for Hercules.
OK. Make it really quick. I am so tired.
Hercules said the King was very, very friendly to him and Iolaus.
Herc said this job screamed Xena and Gabrielle.
And besides I already sent word ahead to the King.
Everything’s in place.
(sarcastic and tired)
Who are we dressing up as this time?
No dress up!
We’re Xena and Gabrielle.
OK. If there’s food, a pillow and a bed. I’m in.
Just play along.
There had better be a bed, Xena.
There’s a bed. There’s a bed.
Xena and Gabrielle slowly ride up to snoozing guard.
Xena kicks the side of the door.
Guard suddenly bolts up.
I’m Xena the Warrior.
I have a meeting with King…
(looks at a different piece of folded parchment, double-checks name)
Gabrielle grabs Xena’s waist tighter, hides her face in Xena’s back and
Guard opens gate.
Xena elbows Gabrielle.
Xena clears her throat and maintains a sober face as they ride through.
INT. THRONE ROOM
KING FALLUS REX
Allow me to introduce my husband Titus
(curious then formal)
It’s an honor. And this is my wife and business partner, Gabrielle.
(nods to Xena, then to Gabrielle)
(Polite but suprised smile. Slight bow to King and Titus)
Your Majesty. Lord Titus.
Gabrielle shoots Xena an angry glare.
Xena raises an eyebrow as a warning to keep Gabrielle from openly discrediting
Your Majesty, would You please excuse Gabrielle?
She needs to lay out her equipment in our room.
KING FALLUS REX
Guards please escort the Lady Gabrielle to their sleeping quarters.
Guards pick up Xena & Gabrielle’s satchels and start to walk down the
Gabrielle turns away from King and bends in to say something to Xena.
(curses in a whisper)
(cuts Gabrielle off, speaking loudly and smiling, pushing Gabrielle towards
the guards gently)
Don’t worry about me, dear.
I’ll be along soon.
Gabrielle stamps down the hallway,
mutters to herself,
almost knocks over a wrought-iron candelabra,
readjusts it as it teeters,
then runs out of sight to keep up with the guards
(ascertains Gabrielle’s departure)
She’s very excited to be here.
KING FALLUS REX
So, you truly believe the conspirators will be present at the feast tomorrow
Definitely. Everyone has been notified of my arrival?
KING FALLUS REX
Yes. I leaked the information to the court’s most notorious gossip
And you sent the invitation out to Hercules who arranged to decline at the
KING FALLUS REX
Yes, but wouldn’t you rather be working in secret?
No one can resist fame, Your Highness.
Celebrity draws the power-hungry like moths to a flame.
Your enemies will make an appearance.
Now, I believe my work is done here for the evening.
I’ll make a brief inspection of the castle and see you in the morning.
KING FALLUS REX
Goodnight Xena. In the morning then.
Xena, I arranged to have dinner sent to your quarters for you and your lovely
That was very thoughtful.
Thank you, Lord Titus. Goodnight.
Xena turns tongue in cheek with a smirk on her face and strolls slowly around
INT. XENA & GABRIELLE'S SUITE
One candle is burning, next to a table of half-eaten food.
Gabrielle is laying in a huge bed, her back facing the doorway.
She does not move.
Xena pops a few grapes in her mouth,
strips off all her clothes and slides into bed, next to Gabrielle, under
I’m not asleep
I was trying to be quiet
I couldn’t sleep.
The work is all done for tonight.
Xena, you told them I’m your wife!
I told them what I had to tell them.
It’s not a big deal.
We’re lying in bed together, naked.
You have your arms around me and this entire castle believes
that I’m the mate of Xena, Warrior Princess.
That’s a very big deal.
I didn’t tell you to lie here naked.
That’s not the issue.
(quietly exasperated, leans into the back of Gabrielle’s head)
What is the issue?
They’re not entirely cut off from the world you know.
Traders, other bards do come through here.
We’re not inconspicuous.
What if my Mother hears about this?
What about my friends in Athens?
Gabrielle the Bard marrying Xena the Warrior Princess?
Who would believe that?
I didn’t have time to propose properly and get a blessing from everyone
you know, OK?
The point is that for a few days I need you to do some spying for me.
And this is how you’re going to do it.
Since when do I have to marry you to spy?
Hey! Keep your hands still, Xena.
I know the architect of this dirty little cabal will try to get to me
through you if they think we’re together.
I know there’s a conspirator among the King’s confidantes and
I’m expecting they will make their move at the banquet tomorrow night.
So you think they’ll try to bargain with me, kidnap me or attack me.
I’m anticipating that.
Someone’s attempting to make a move.
Someone’s attempting to make a move all right.
(slaps Xena’s hand under the covers)
I don’t know.
This scheme’s a little over the top, even for you.
Come on Gabrielle.
Work with me here.
What’s the difference?
(slowly kisses Gabrielle’s neck)
You ride with me don’t you?
You eat with me
You bathe with me
You sleep with me
(dazed, panting, trying to maintain calm)
I sleep with you because you’re always warm and I’m always cold.
You’re not cold now.
You are so…dammit.
All right. All right. You win. I’ll do it.
I knew you would.
(turns to face Xena, buries her face in Xena’s chest)
You’re my mate for the time being then?
(slowly running fingertips down Gabrielle’s back)
So I can say the things to you I’ve always dreamed of saying?
I can say anything?
(licks Xena’s neck)
Anything you want gorgeous.
Then what in Aphrodite’s name am I dressing like a peasant for?
I want new boots, a new outfit, a new cape and a better saddle to ride on.
I need a gown for this dinner.
I can’t go out there dressed in rags.
Oh no. No, no no no no no.
I’m the wife of a Warrior Princess at a formal banquet.
I have to look the part.
If you want all the benefits,
(tightly squeezes Xena’s wrist)
which you seem to be totally intent on taking,
then you have to pay for it.
This is too realistic.
Did you wash up before you put your hands on me?
This is not in the script.
(kisses Gabrielle’s fingers)
You wanted me to play along.
Those were your exact words.
Save this award winning aspect of your performance for the bad guys.
I’m interpreting the part.
What did you expect?
I’m a natural.
I was born to be a thespian.
(moves hands to Gabrielle’s breasts and resumes kissing her neck)
Mmmm…I always knew you had potential.
(smiles at the kisses)
I said THESPian.
You don’t like women?
No. I don’t like women.
Not just any woman can come along and get me to lie in bed naked with her.
You’re not just any woman.
You’re my wife.
(grabs Xena’s face, pulls in close to her lips and seductively commands)
And you’re buying me what I want.
Now shut up and kiss me.