Sunday May 12, 2019 – I Can Do Anything

9:30 am

A few minutes ago, the ringing of the phone dragged me awake. I groggily rolled over to check the time and to retrieve my glasses from the night table. I was sitting up with my glasses on when Bling walked in and we exchanged our usual good mornings.

"Mornin’."

"Hey."

"How’re you feelin’?"

"Fine."

Then I noticed the quizzical expression on his face and realized what I had said and done. Fine. I felt fine. I didn’t feel any pain and I was sitting up like it was the most normal thing in the world to do. I had completely forgotten that I hadn’t been able to sit up by myself since the shooting. The pain had been so intense. Each morning, Bling would come in to help me up. He would roll me on my side and the first wave of pain would hit. He would swing my legs over the edge of the bed and another wave would follow. Then he would sit me up and, inevitably, another wave would accompany that as well. A stab of pain has accompanied my every move throughout these weeks.

It must have been easing the last few days, but I hadn’t really noticed. The pain has been such a constant. I’ve spent so much time and energy preparing myself for it, steeling myself against it, working through it, trying to breathe. I couldn’t even remember what it was like to be pain free. But now I realized it was gone. Just like that.

Sure, I still have aches and pains, but I know they are nothing that a change of position or a short massage can’t take care of. But that viselike, stabbing pain, that paralyzing pain that took my breath away each time I moved, it’s gone.

I am pain free. I can’t explain this feeling of freedom. I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet. I’m still sitting here trying to capture it, to write it down. But there are no words to describe it. There are no words.

I feel like I can do anything.