Thursday May 16, 2019 – Frustration

8:00 pm

On Sunday morning, I wrote that I felt like I could do anything. But the truth is, I am still almost totally dependent on Bling. I realized this a few minutes after making that ridiculous entry. I still needed Bling to help me out of bed. I still needed him to help me get dressed. I still needed him to wheel me into the living room and set me up on the couch. I just don’t have the strength or the endurance to do any of those things. I thought that getting out from under the grip of the pain would give me some freedom, but in actuality, I feel more trapped than ever before. I want to do so much, but my body still won’t comply.

I’ve been hounding Bling for days to start my rehab program, but he kept insisting that I needed to wait at least two weeks to heal adequately from the surgery. What Bling doesn’t know is that I can’t wait two weeks. I feel like I can barely wait another hour. I don’t know how I made it through the last few days. The pressure has been so intense.

By Sunday evening, I was pleading with Bling to start the rehab program, and by Monday night, I was desperate. He answered with the same question each day.

"How many days have you been home from the hospital?" I hated that question.

"Six." The day before, the answer was five.

"I said you need to wait two weeks." Bling was so matter of fact. There was no room to move him. It was then that I lost it and started yelling at him.

"I can’t wait two weeks! I can’t wait another day! I need to do something now!" I was ready to explode.

Bling responded by giving me one of his compassionate looks and telling me he couldn’t make things go any faster. That he was afraid I would end up back at the hospital.

Wrong answer.

I stopped listening to him then and wheeled myself to the window. I made a decision. If Bling wouldn’t help me, I would help myself. I would get out of this chair by myself, even if it killed me. I just needed to bide my time until the inevitable opportunity presented itself. I’ve spent most of the last few days staring out that window, watching the rain and waiting for that opportunity.

Today, I got what I was waiting for. When Bling left for a few minutes to go to the market, I took matters into my own hands and attempted to transfer myself onto the couch. Looking back now, it was pretty obvious I wouldn’t make it, but I didn’t care. I had to do something. I had to move. I had to get out of this chair, if only for a moment. I didn’t consider what I would do if I landed on the floor. I wasn’t thinking that far ahead. I truly didn’t care. Of course, that is exactly what happened.

Bling walked back in just after I hit the floor. By then I was so angry and frustrated, I didn’t let him help me. I yelled at him not to touch me and glared at him with fury. I don’t know how I managed it, but somehow I got myself turned around and sitting on the floor. And from the look in his eyes, Bling was ready to kill me, too.

Then a moment later, he shocked me by telling me we would start rehab tomorrow. I didn’t believe him after all the frustration he put me through. Then he started to laugh. He laughed at me! He said he didn’t want to be scraping my sorry body off the apartment floor every day. I couldn’t help laughing as well. He was so right. If something didn’t change, I would have done the same thing tomorrow and the next day, until I either succeeded or killed myself trying.

So today, I was rewarded for my ridiculous escapade by getting what I had been begging for, pleading for, these last few days.

Tomorrow, we start rehab.