5:00 am

These last two months, my apartment has been my refuge from the world. I’ve been able to avoid people and problems, questions and accusing looks. I’ve been able to insulate myself from all the things I don’t have the strength to deal with any more. My apartment has been the one place where I could feel safe.

Bling has been telling me I can’t spend the rest of my life in here, that I need more in my life. He has been trying to coax me outside, encouraging me to go out with him, to go on errands or just across the street to the park. He’s been encouraging me to take the calls that are still coming in. But how can I? I feel like I don’t belong in that world anymore, that I won’t be able to function in it. How am I going to deal with stairs and curbs and traffic and people?

It’s the people that I am most afraid of, the looks in their eyes and the tone in their voices when they talk to me. I can’t stand the look of pity. I saw it in Aunt Margo’s eyes for five minutes in the hospital and it was enough to last me a lifetime. I can’t bear to see that again.

I’ve been up all night again, trying to fight the demons that keep chasing me. Even finding out about Sophy hasn’t changed much. I still feel like a failure. If I wasn’t a failure, Peter wouldn’t be dead and I wouldn’t be in this chair. I feel like I don’t deserve to be out there. I don’t deserve to go into the world and pretend that everything is fine.

But now my refuge is beginning to feel like a prison. As I look at the sunrise this morning, I wish I could be outside feeling the sun on my skin. I wish I could feel the wind in my hair again. I wish I could get wet the next time it rains. But I don’t think those things are possible for me any more. I wish I could go out there, but I don’t think I can.

10:00 am

"It’s beautiful, isn’t it?" Bling joined me at the window this morning.

"Yeah. I can’t remember the last time I had the sun shining on my face," I answered, yearning to be outside.

"Let’s go down and really enjoy it." Bling said casually. My heart started racing at the suggestion, but Bling kept talking as he handed me my jacket. "We’ll just go as far as the curb. We’ll have the street to ourselves. Everybody is still asleep. You’ll see it’s not so bad out there."

Bling kept up the encouraging comments as I hesitatingly followed him into the elevator. But when he held open the lobby doors for me, it still took all my determination not to turn around and escape back inside. I felt totally exposed and vulnerable. I almost expected a thousand eyes to be staring at me, pointing and whispering to each other. "That’s him, that fool Eyes Only. He thought he could change the world, but look at him now. Just another useless cripple."

But Bling was true to his words. The street was quiet, except for a few birds waking up to the sunlight. We found a space near the corner where we could sit and watch the sunrise. I was able to set aside my apprehension as the sun’s rays wrapped themselves around us. We remained there until the sun was full in the sky, neither of us wanting to disturb the peace of the moment.

Sometimes, the world can still be a beautiful place.