11:30 pm

Bling and I have spent the last twelve hours chasing down leads on the Andrea Marlene file. It appears that the harbormaster, Joel Solinsky, has been taking payoffs from a lucrative smuggling operation. The smugglers were being paid in advance, so they never bothered delivering their cargo to its destination. They have just been dumping it overboard on the open seas. The only problem is the cargo is human beings, people who paid thousands of dollars in the hope of a better life somewhere. Joel Solinsky has made his fortune as an accessory to murder. This can’t go on any longer. We are making good progress on the file. Tomorrow, we will be making an Eyes Only broadcast, our first step in shutting him down.

I really appreciate having Bling by my side. He has been my rock these last few months. He has helped me to get my life back on track. He gave me a compliment today. He said I was doing well, and he wasn’t talking about Eyes Only. He was talking about me personally. He said I was on the right road. I really needed to hear that from him given how I behaved last night. I know I still have a long way to go.

At times, my ‘new life’ still overwhelms me. Even the smallest things can send me over the edge. I can’t believe the fury I felt last night at knocking a pitcher of milk out of the refrigerator. I vented my anger on the refrigerator door, slamming it so hard that most of the refrigerator’s contents joined the milk on the floor. Then I turned my wrath on Bling. But the truth is, it was not the shattered pitcher that bothered me, it was the fact that I forgot to leave enough clearance between my chair and the refrigerator. When I opened the door, it bumped my chair and knocked the pitcher out.

Sometimes I get so tired of the constant reminders that I no longer have a normal life. Of having to think if my chair is in the way of a door. Or of how I’m going to get around or over or through an obstacle. Of having to renovate the bathroom so I can wheel in to take a shower, and put bars by the toilet so I don’t fall off and break my neck at night. Of building a lower worktable in the kitchen so I can cook, and of having to move everything into the lower cupboards because the high ones are useless to me now. Of having to call ahead to see if there are stairs or elevators where I want to go. Of having to think about and plan every move that I make. I’m tired of slide boards and hand levers in the car, and all the other miraculous aids that I can’t live without, but that remind me of my disability every moment of every day. I just wish I could have one day when I wasn’t reminded of these things.

Bling gets to experience my frustrations first hand. Yet he has always been there for me. He was there for me again last night. I knew I had overreacted. Yet it still took me an hour to calm down enough to apologize to him. "It’s no use crying over spilled milk." I acknowledged once I regained some of my perspective. Bling accompanied me into the kitchen and helped me clean up my mess. He is an expert at this, cleaning up messes, repairing broken glass, broken bodies and broken souls.

Repair Man

Specializes in repairing

What others have destroyed

Rescues shattered pieces

Of collisions and disasters

Rebuilds broken bodies

Heals broken souls

I find myself alternately apologizing and thanking Bling. It is a constant pattern with us. I thanked him again today for what he has done for me. I’ve fought him so often, but the truth is, he is the one who put me back together. I would probably have died without him. I know I definitely wouldn’t be doing what I am doing now. I would still be in a corner somewhere, terrified of the world. He has helped me to build a new life.

My life today is not the life I had before I was shot. There are so many things I have lost control over, things that I will never be able to fully accept. But it is my life and I have to live it. I have so much to do. The Solinsky file will need all my attention for the next few days. I don’t have time to waste, wondering why this happened to me or regretting the things I cannot change. My job is to figure out how to deal with the consequences. I need to focus on the things I can change. I need to focus on my work and the rest I will just live with.

It’s no use crying over spilled milk. I have work to do.