27

11:00 am

Now I understand why Nathan Herrero shifted so many responsibilities to me in the months leading up to his disappearance. Now I understand why he eventually copied his whole informant database to my system. Now I understand all the things he said to me.

"Logan, I won't be around forever."

"Logan, it's important that another person have access to the files in case something happens to me."

"Logan, you know there is a price on my head. You need to think about what you will do if I'm not around."

He planned it this way. He was grooming me for this all along. He knew I wouldn't quit. So he gave it all to me. He placed the weight of the world on my shoulders. Then, he walked away. He did his share. He put in his twenty to thirty years, and then he conveniently excused himself. He decided it was time to retire, staged his own disappearance, and walked away. He turned his back on responsibility. He turned his back on all of us.

I'm sitting here in this armed camp of a library trying to figure out why Nathan did this. He has already come and gone. He is alive and well. He was standing in front of me, talking to me. After his disappearance, I hoped and prayed that somehow he might still be alive, but I knew better. In our world, when a person is 'Disappeared', he is dead. He never comes back. But today my greatest hope for him was fulfilled. It was so good to see him alive, to hear his voice. "Hello my friend." he said to me. I should have been grinning from ear to ear to see my friend alive. I should have been throwing my arms around him in happiness. I should have been shaking his arm out of its socket with enthusiasm. Yet the circumstances have quashed the joy I should be feeling. I could barely force out a smile.

"They were trying to kill me." Nathan said. "Logan, you of all people should understand."

Of course, they want to kill us. Of course, we are in an armed camp, for the time being. That is why we are in this war. So that it doesn't become a permanent condition. Of course, we need to protect ourselves, but that doesn't mean we abandon the war completely. We have to believe that this is only temporary, that we still have hope for a better world. I can't believe that he could have abandoned that hope.

Nathan said he wanted a life, he wanted love and comfort. What kind of a life does he think he will have if the world continues to crumble around him? I find it incomprehensible that Nathan would give up everything just for some personal comfort. He made me into the person that I am. He opened my eyes to the injustices of this world and he showed me how to fight them. Now, he is acting like he no longer believes what he taught me, that all we should worry about is ourselves and not be concerned about the world around us.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Nathan taught me that. Yet, he has spent over two years doing nothing.

I thought I knew him. Now, I don't understand him at all.

4:00 pm

Max has gone to tell Alina that her father is alive. She thinks I won't be able to make the news sound good, that the father who abandoned her is alive. She's right, of course.

Max thinks Nathan did the right thing, giving up his work for Rebecca.

"Some men are willing to rearrange their priorities when they meet a woman who moves their furniture." She stared at me accusingly this afternoon. Was Max suggesting that I needed to change my priorities? For whom? Who would want me? I looked at her blankly. I didn't understand, and I still don't. When I didn't respond, Max seemed almost disappointed. She couldn't have been talking about herself, could she?

Max doesn't know that she is the only woman I think about. She has been the highlight of my life since the day I met her. She brings humor and enthusiasm into my narrow little world. We share each other's biggest secrets and that has given us an undeniable closeness. I worry about her, I want to protect her, but I can't offer her anything more than friendship. My inadequacies are so glaringly obvious. I can't even hope to have a more intimate relationship with her. In any case, I know our relationship is not like that. I have our friendship and I have my mission. That is sufficient for me.

Until today, I thought that things were the same for Max. I always felt that her quest to find her brothers and sisters was the most important thing in her life. Sure, she eats with me and she talks to me. She even flirts with me at times. The last few days, hell the last few months are evidence of that. But it has always been in the context of our working relationship, our friendship. She has never pushed it further. She has never indicated that she feels anything more for me. I have been her resource in her search for her family. I have been more than willing to accept that. I have been grateful for that. I have never expected anything more.

Rearrange my priorities? For whom? Who would want me? Max?

I thought I knew her. Now, I don't understand her at all.