1:00 am

Happy New Year, Seattle. This city is tearing itself apart again. Mobs are rioting in the streets, infuriated by the lack of power, the lack of food and the lack of hope in this city. They began by attempting to celebrate the New Year, but rapidly realized there was nothing to celebrate. Most of those people have nothing to look forward to. The next year will give them as much poverty, injustice and pain as the previous year did.

Max is sleeping in the guestroom. We shared a couple of glasses of wine and then she went to bed. It's ironic that she would choose tonight of all nights to sleep. Yet even she isn't willing to risk being out on the streets on a night like this. I'm grateful that she is here with me tonight. I've grown tired of ushering in the New Year by myself. Max has spent a lot of time here in the last month. I have been cooking for her often and she has even begun using the guestroom more frequently. I have appreciated the time she has shared with me. She even brought a spark back into my Christmas season.

It was amusing seeing Christmas through Max's eyes. She was more than a little mystified by the whole Christmas tradition. I got an earful about the ‘Do’ that Cindy and Kendra had been planning for weeks. Max wasn't quite able to understand what the big dealio was with them. She couldn't believe that Cindy even threatened to put the smack down on her ass if she didn't make it to this thing. That was definitely good enough for a laugh from me. It appears that, in addition to birthdays, Manticore also wasn't big on Christmas. I'm glad that she has friends to help her discover it now. It's too bad that she was never able to experience the carefree Christmases that I enjoyed as a child. In our world, that is no longer possible even for the children. Since the pulse, Christmas everywhere has lost the excitement that I remember from my childhood. Who can afford to celebrate that way anymore? In some ways, I'm glad it's no longer the excuse for excessive consumerism that it used to be. It has become a much simpler holiday once again. At least, we can still take the opportunity to spend some time with those who are important to us.

I convinced Max to come over for a few minutes on Christmas day before the big event with her friends. I wanted to give her something to let her know how much I appreciate her, but I knew I couldn't really do that, so I just tried to give her something that she would like. Max is definitely not a traditional flowers and jewelry kind of girl. From prior experience, I knew she would have fenced anything shiny that I could have given her in the time it would have taken to say 'cash'. So I just skipped a step and bought her a new suspension system for her baby. She seemed relatively pleased with it as she uttered a quick ‘cool’ before blazing off, but not before giving me a gift as well, two mandarin oranges. She must have some excellent connections at that market on Freemont. First she gave me a grapefruit for my birthday, now these oranges for Christmas. I have to admit, they are the best gifts I've received in years. I suspect that the person that is giving them must also have something to do with it. The truth is, Max has given me much more than a couple of gifts. She doesn't realize how much light she brings into my life when she is here. I just wish I were able to hold onto more of it when she leaves.

After Max left, I made an obligatory appearance at Uncle Jonas’. Christmas at the Cales’ is always a joy. An intimate dinner with two hundred of their dearest friends was just what I needed. I gave my greetings to Jonas and Margo, and then I left. I didn't even bother to stay for the food. I'm sure Jonas spent the remainder of the evening looking for me. That is if he could remember my face at all. Sometimes I wonder why I even waste my time going to these things. Still, every year I find myself going back there, looking for something that I should know I will never find. I miss the closeness and innocence of Christmas with my parents. I miss our family connection. Uncle Jonas may be my father's brother, but he can never recreate those moments. At times like this, Christmas only serves to remind me of the things that are missing in my life.

Now I'm sitting here by myself, contemplating the irony of last year. I lost my friends, my legs and my confidence. Then a beautiful woman walked into my life. When I had the strength and ability to be an equal partner in a relationship, there was no one in my life. Now that I can never be whole again, Max has appeared. During those few moments when she is around, she fills the void in my soul. But at times, I don't know what is worse, having her around or not having her at all. She symbolizes to me all the things I can't have, strength, freedom, power, beauty, love. Sometimes she looks at me like she wants more from me. I want more, too, but how can I give her more? How can I? What have I got to offer besides some food and some friendship? I wish I hadn't made such a mess of my life. I will never be able to put the last year behind me. It will affect everything I do from now on. I am just like those people out on the streets tonight. I know that the next year will be much the same as the last. Nothing will change for me either. Sometimes I wish I could turn my mind off and forget all my failures. If I could just find one thing to focus on, then maybe all the holes in my life will disappear. Then maybe I will be able to endure the next year.