4:30 pm

I haven't heard from Max in two days and I'm beginning to worry about her. I need to know that she is okay. When the phone rang a few minutes ago, I was sure it was her. I hadn't realized how much I had been waiting for her call. But it was Matt's voice on the telephone instead of Max's.

Two days ago, she gave up on me. She quit, accusing me of not caring about her. I was half-glad that she left. Fine! Let her go. Sometimes she is more trouble than she is worth. She was the one who dragged me away from work, but she couldn't understand that I didn't intentionally change our plans. I had so much work to do, but I didn't cancel our dinner appointment. I even let Bling shove a bottle of wine into my hands on the way out the door. It wasn't my fault that my informant called when he did. She should know by now that, when the opportunity presents itself, we need to act. Why couldn't she understand that bringing down Gerhardt Bronck was more important than a stupid meal? We could eat at any time. What difference does a few hours make?

Matt has acquired some excellent information on Bronck, but now I realize that Gerhardt Bronck is not really as important to me as I thought. Max is the one I worry about. Max is the one I care about. It's Max's voice I want to hear. When Max quit, she accused me of hiding behind a Halloween mask. She said I was obsessed with my work, that it is all I ever talk about, all I ever think about. That is so ironic because my work has felt like the only sane, solid thing in my disastrous life. Maybe I have been obsessed. Maybe I have confused my priorities.

Max wants me to be real. She wants me to treat her like a person, to spend time with her and give her my attention. We had that before my surgery, but now I find it so difficult to do. There seems to be too much work lately. I find myself thinking that I only need one more hour, or two more hours, so I can crack a file, and then I can spend some time with Max. But the hours turn into days and I have barely spoken to her let alone seen her. I have only called her when there was work to do for one of my files or some detail I could pass on related to her siblings. Max didn't seem upset at the change. She seemed as willing as ever to go out into the field and she continued to call me every day. She even offered to cook for me a few times to give me a break. But I never seemed to have the time to accept her offers. There was always too much work to do.

How am I going to fix this? I have so much to apologize for. I have to meet Matt in the park in a few minutes, but what I really want to do is call Max. Now I don't have the time. I've managed to put my work in our way once again. I have lost the connection that we had. It was so easy for a few days before the surgery. Then I let it slip away. She was the only good thing in my life and I pushed her away. God, do I miss her.