10:00 am

I appreciate Sam. He is an excellent doctor and I respect his judgement. He has also been a good friend to me and truly wants me to be able to get out of this wheelchair. But what is happening right now is so far outside his realm of experience that he can’t fathom it. I, on the other hand, can understand what is happening because I am living it. While Sam was talking about phantom sensations this morning, I could feel his hand cupping the heel of my foot. He has a firm and practiced grip. That was no phantom sensation. Then later, as I was trying to convince him that my imagination was not running away with me, I absentmindedly placed my hand on my leg. I have done that a thousand times before and felt nothing, but this time I felt the weight of my hand on my thigh. It was almost as if my leg itself was reassuring me that I am not imagining any of this. I can’t begin to explain how I felt just knowing that my leg responded to that simple touch.

Sam is right about one thing, though, spinal nerve damage doesn’t just heal itself. There has to be a cause. What Sam doesn’t realize is he has found that cause. The pluripotents that he discovered in my bloodstream did not just appear by themselves. They had a source, and that source was Max. Her blood must contain a surplus of stem cells, and she must have passed them on to me when she transfused me. It explains a lot of things. It explains how rapidly I healed after the surgery. It explains my reduced need for rest between workouts. It explains the reversal of the atrophy in my muscles and it definitely explains the return of sensory function in my legs. Max did this.

8:00 pm

How do you define intimacy? At one time, I thought it meant a physical relationship. What other way could you get truly close to a person? Yet despite all my efforts, I have not had much success developing intimate relationships. Daphne was just one of many women that managed to keep their distance from me. The little fiasco with the dress that wouldn’t unzip was just the beginning of a long string of aborted encounters between us. I had an excellent friendship with Daphne. We could talk about anything. She even agreed to marry me for goodness sake. So I couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to get physically close to me. Still, despite her hesitance, I was completely mystified when she dumped me a short while later. Now, ten years after the fact, I realize that a physical relationship was never what Daphne needed from me. She was looking for something else entirely and I had no clue. I learned nothing from Daphne because a few years later, I repeated it all with Valerie. We may have had a connection for a fleeting moment, but neither of us had the strength to nurture it. Instead, we almost destroyed ourselves along with our marriage.

Something happened today, though, that has made me reevaluate my definition of intimacy. Could it be that it is much more than physical closeness? Could it be that it may not be physical at all? When I look back now, the two people I felt closest to were my parents. During the few cooking lessons I shared with Dad, we connected in a way I would never have imagined possible. I was able to see past the intimidating CEO and I got to know my father. The connection was even stronger with Mom. She always shared herself with me and made me feel that I didn’t need to hide from her. She truly knew me and I knew her. I had forgotten how strong our connection was, but what happened today has brought all those memories flooding back. I felt that connection again and it was unmistakable.

It began simply enough when I attempted to update Max on what was going on. She couldn’t quite believe it either and had to test it for herself. A few minutes later, she had me sitting beside her on the sofa with one of my legs pulled across her lap. I couldn’t move my leg, but I could feel everything Max was doing. I could feel Max’s strong but gentle touch as she picked up my leg and placed it across her lap. I could feel the warmth of her legs underneath mine and I could feel the coolness of her hand on my foot. And I could definitely feel it when she tried to break my toe! Even Max was startled at my response. After that, she was convinced. It took her about thirty seconds to offer me a second transfusion.

We were full of enthusiasm and anticipation as Max jerry rigged the transfusion kit from some I.V. tubing and needles that I had on hand. In my line of work, it pays to have a broad range of medical supplies in ready access, although I never expected to use them for this purpose. Max explained what we would be doing as she worked.

"Standard donation is one unit of blood. It usually takes approximately ten minutes to donate. That’s what you would give at your local blood bank."

"I did it once, but couldn’t bring myself to go back. I have this issue with needles." I smiled at Max nervously, knowing what we were about to do.

"Well, you’re not avoiding one tonight." Max eyed me with amusement before she continued. "One unit is not that much to give considering most people have eight to eleven units in their bodies. The only side effect is a little dizziness due to reduced blood sugar."

"Hence the juice and cookies at the donor clinics." I offered.

"You liked that part, did you?" Max smiled mischievously before she continued. "X5s can give as much as four or five units without any lasting effects. But with a donation of anything more than one unit you can pretty much expect significant dizziness and a temporary loss of consciousness due to a rapid reduction in blood volume. Recovery is fairly rapid though. We usually just require a few hours of rest until our blood volume builds up again. We’ll give you two units tonight. I doubt that your body would be able to accept more. It should take about twenty minutes. If I lose consciousness, you will have to remove the needles at the appropriate time. Just turn off the valve in my arm, then release the tape and pull the needles out. About five minutes of direct pressure should stop any residual bleeding." Max rattled off the facts as I nervously nodded my assent.

"Logan." Max stopped almost in mid sentence.

"Yeah, Max?" I looked at her a little worried at what else she would have me do.

"You can do this." she stated gently. But then she held out a needle and, for a split second, I thought it might not be worth it.

"Logan, if you sit still for this, I promise I’ll give you some juice and cookies later." Max looked at me as if she was talking to a small child. I was glad that she was finding so much amusement at my expense.

"I’m going to hold you to that, Max." I countered with a straight face as I placed my arm on the table.

After only a modest amount of stalling on my part, and a few more unwarranted comments about needles and wimps, Max successfully inserted the I.V. line in my arm. But even as she teased me, the intensity in her eyes confirmed that she knew nothing would have stopped me from going through with this. And then something changed. I suddenly realized the enormity of what Max was trying to do for me, and I couldn’t kid around anymore. I wanted to thank her, but I couldn’t find the words. All I could offer was a grateful smile. Max reassured me with a soft smile of her own as she opened the valve that would allow her blood to flow to me. We sat across from each other waiting for my body to accept her blood. Our arms were barely touching, but our connection was deep and intimate. We didn’t need to say a word.

After about twelve minutes, Max laid her head down in her arms as she began drifting off. Despite what she had explained, it still worried me and I couldn’t help checking on her.

"You okay?" I asked softly.

"Yeah -- just a little dizzy." Max’s voice was quiet, far away.

"Wanna stop?"

"No. Don't let go."

"I won't." I took her hand in mine, reassuring her that I wouldn’t let go of her.

"Promise?" I vaguely remember Max asking me that once before.

"I promise." I had the distinct feeling that Max was talking about something much more important than a simple transfusion, and I instinctively knew that we both needed to hear that answer. I continued to hold Max’s hand as she transfused me. At twenty minutes, I removed the needles as Max had directed.

"Max. It’s time to wake up now." I gently stroked her hair as I coaxed her awake.

"Max. We’re done." She smiled at me happily when I took her hand and guided her to the sofa.

"I owe you cookies, Logan," she mumbled, giving me another tired smile as she lay down and drifted into a truly restful sleep.

I’ve been watching her sleep for a couple of hours now as her body replenishes itself, and I am amazed at how beautiful she is. When I see her like this, she truly looks like an angel to me. Yesterday, I wrote that Max has an amazing ability to see my needs and try to fill them. I am grateful for everything she has brought into my life. Now she has done this for me and I know I can never repay her. She has given me more of herself than anyone other than my parents. I feel intensely close to her. As we sat there at the table looking into each other’s eyes, something more than her blood passed between us. Max opened her heart to me today. She allowed me to see into her soul.