8:00 pm

This afternoon, I was filled with hope. I sat in my chair rocking back and forth willing, praying for my body to heal. I had taken my shoes off hours earlier. I wanted to feel the cool metal of the foot pedals and the harshness of the treads under my feet. And those sensations were there, clear and distinct. Then as the day progressed, they didn't diminish. They grew and sharpened and became even more distinct. My body was healing. I could feel it. I could feel Max's blood inside me. I knew it was working. I knew it from the depths of my being. I could even move my toes again. It was so easy. It was time. It was time to stand.

I expected to struggle. I expected to stumble. I expected to fall. But I didn't expect nothing. But that was what I got. Nothing. No response at all. I could feel the table under me, I could even feel the floor under my knees, but I couldn't move. I couldn't control my legs. I couldn't control my body. I had nothing to grasp onto or to push against to help me get off the table. I couldn't even push myself onto the floor. I could barely move at all.

How could my body lie to me? How could it make so many promises then renege on them? I exploded with fury and frustration, but my anger made no difference at all. I still couldn't move. I still had no control over my body. The anger disappeared as fast as it had appeared. And then I was praying again. No. No. No. Please don't tell me that this is it. Please don't tell me that I have nothing more to look forward to. Please. I buried my head in my arms and continued my silent pleading. In the end, I needed Bling to help me get back into my chair. I didn't have the strength to do it by myself. But that was the last thing I wanted. I didn't want another reminder of how little control I have. My life is like that. I may think that I have some control over what happens to me, but in truth, I have almost no control at all.

My body was mocking me. It gave me a hint that something had changed, but nothing really has. I am trapped in my body and I am trapped in my world. Even Max's phone call a few minutes ago mocked me. "You must be out saving the world. Or maybe it's your bowling night." What a joke, 'out saving the world'. I don't go out. I stay in my impregnable tower and I watch other people live their lives. I play at saving the world. I play at having a life. But the truth is, I don't have a life. I have nothing. Maybe that is what I deserve. Nothing.