6:00 am

"Go away. I don’t want you."

I didn’t need to say those words. All I needed to say was "You can take it with you if you want." and Max understood. She was out of here in thirty seconds. I know I hurt her, but I don’t care. She didn’t need to see me the way I was a few hours ago, and I hope she never does. What she felt this morning when we returned from Portland is nothing compared to what she will feel when she realizes that we have failed. I cannot bear to see the look in her eyes when she does find out. I have to do something to prevent it. All I know at this moment, is that Max can’t help me. We have already proven that. I have to do this by myself.

When I had my first leg spasm yesterday, I thought it was just a result of exhaustion and overuse. I had been pacing the apartment all night worrying about Max, so I thought my body was just forcing me to sit down for a few minutes. I remember looking at my cane as if it was my enemy. I had set it aside for a few hours and I didn’t want to pick it up again. But now I won’t go anywhere without it. It is the only thing that is keeping me standing.

The second failure this morning was much worse than the first. I completely lost all feeling in my legs. They didn’t respond at all. I don’t know how I managed to keep myself vertical until Max left or how I managed to sit down. Then I just sat there, trapped, for almost an hour until some function returned to my legs. I was a paraplegic again for that hour and it was the most horrific hour of my life. What is worse is that I know it will happen again. It is only a matter of time. When sensation eventually returned to my legs I felt like someone was cutting through my nerves. The pain was unbelievably intense. Then when I attempted to get up, I felt like they had. Standing up was much more difficult than before, almost as if I had just lost half my strength. I needed to support myself on the furniture to maintain my balance. And the ease with which I had been walking instantly disappeared. I have not regained my balance or my strength. On the contrary, things have continued to deteriorate. Just placing one foot in front of the other has become a painful chore, and with each step the pain in my back has been intensifying. It feels like my spinal cord is systematically dismantling itself. I am afraid to sit down because I don’t know if I will be able to get up again. I don’t know when my legs will shut down for good.

My miracle lasted for five days. I know that if I do nothing, I will be back in that wheelchair by the end of the week. I am certain of that. But I will never go back to that life. Not ever. I was such a fool to think that I could solve all the world’s problems when I can’t even solve my own. If I don’t find a solution, I know what I need to do. I already know how I will do it. I have known for a long time.

There must be someone out there who can prevent this, someone with training in motor function research or stem cell function. Maybe an ex-Manticore researcher, anyone. Sebastian has forwarded a list of underground practitioners with experience in motor function research, which I am cross-referencing against the Manticore staff database that I developed for Max. There must be a lead somewhere. There has to be. I don’t care if I have to cross the continent to find someone who can help me. I don’t care if I have to abandon my work or sell my apartment or even sell every last painting that my mother left me. I don’t care what it costs. I will do anything to prevent myself from landing in that chair again. This is my last chance.

Joshua Brockville – Stem Cell Research – Manticore - Deceased

Francine Dupre – Motor function unit – Manticore - Deceased

Manuel Garcia – Motor function unit – Manticore - Deceased

Yoshi Hakimodo – Neurology – Tokyo University

Stan MacDonald – Osteoregeneration – Manticore - Deceased

Susana Nacario – Stem Cell Research – University of Madrid

Leopold Payson – Motor function unit – Manticore - Deceased

Earnest Stutsman – Neurology – Manticore - Deceased

John Thompson – Neurology – Manticore - Deceased

Deceased, deceased, deceased, deceased. Over a dozen deceased. It appears that someone is systematically eliminating the Manticore brain trust.

Adriana Vertes – Osteoregeneration/Neurology - Manticore – Seatt…

Oh God! There’s one here in Seattle.