Today, I did the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It was much harder than shooting myself would ever have been. Today, I chose to tell someone about what I have been feeling. When the day began, I didn’t quite realize what I was about to do, but now as I look back at the last twelve hours, I know that the survivor in me was fighting for my life. Today, I chose to live.

I went back to the basketball court this morning. I haven’t been back there since the day before Bennett’s wedding. The moment I got a hint that I might walk again, I forgot about those guys. I didn’t return their calls. I didn’t go by the court. I turned my back on them. I did everything I could to make that part of my life disappear. I remember how hopeful I felt that day on the court, but all my dreams have since been shattered. I felt like such a failure going back today, as if just being there was an admission that I would never walk again.

I hung back near the park gate, watching the game for a few minutes. All the regulars were there as usual, Jack, Derek and George, oblivious to the cold wind whipping at them, or the disaster of a park they were playing in. I hadn’t noticed it before, but I was shocked at the grayness and bleakness of the place. The wind was blowing the remnants of last year’s leaves, along with the always-present trash, across the dead brown grass. The basketball hoops were barely standing and the nets were tattered. The benches needed a coat of paint, but in truth, that would only serve to hide the underlying rot. Everything was cold and uninviting. I didn’t know what they were doing there or what I was doing there. I didn’t feel like a part of them any more after cutting myself off like I did. I definitely wasn’t prepared to play. I wasn’t even sure why I went back there or what I expected to find. I was turning to leave when I heard Jack’s voice behind me.

"Hey Logan! Hold up!"

"Hey Jack." I smiled at him, but couldn’t quite hide the tiredness in my voice.

"We’ve missed you, man. When you didn’t return our calls I thought you’d moved or died or something." Jack chided good-naturedly, but I couldn’t help wincing at his comment.

"You okay, man?" Jack instantly dropped his joking tone. He is nothing if not perceptive.

"Yeah. I’ve just been swamped with work." One lie was as good as another. I found my gaze drifting back to the basketball court, looking for anything to focus on other than Jack’s question.

"I understand. The economic situation doesn’t make things any easier. What do you do by the way?" Jack easily slipped into a conversational tone.

"I’m a journalist." I answered him absentmindedly. Then I just sat there silently watching the game. I couldn’t understand how any of those guys on that court were making it. How did they survive? Why hadn’t Jack died years ago? But Jack just sat there not offering me any answers. Why wasn’t he saying anything? He always had something to say. What was he waiting for? Why wasn’t he answering my questions?

"How do you survive, man?" I asked quietly, not wanting to reveal how desperately I needed to know the answer to that question.

"I’ve got a small corporate law practice. It’s sufficient for my needs and gives me the time to play ball as well. Some of the other guys really struggle, though." Jack answered, picking up the conversation where we left off.

"I know what you mean." But I really didn’t. I wasn’t sure why I was there, but it wasn’t to shoot the breeze about the economic situation. I felt a sudden urge to get out of there.

"Look, I’ve got to get going. It’s been nice talking to you." I quickly shook Jack’s hand and once again turned to leave.

"You weren’t asking about work." Jack’s matter-of-fact statement stopped me in my tracks.

"What do you mean?" I avoided his gaze not wanting to acknowledge to him or myself that I knew exactly what he meant.

"When you asked how I survive." There was a definite tone of concern in Jack’s voice.

Maybe I had gone there looking for someone to talk to, someone that might understand. But now that he was asking, I didn’t know what to say. What was I going to tell him? I almost killed myself yesterday. It’s just a fluke that I’m here today.

"Logan?" The tone of concern was still there.

"Some things haven’t turned out the way I expected. Now I’m not sure that I can live with the consequences." I kept my eyes fixed on the game at the other side of the park. I couldn’t look at him. How did he expect me to be able to talk about this?

"Logan, I’m going to ask you a difficult question, but please try to answer it honestly." There was a gentleness in his voice that scared me more than any aggressiveness could have. I knew exactly what the next question would be.

"Okay." I don’t usually share anything truly personal with anybody. But the survivor in me, fueled by my desperation, was able to force out this one word.

"Have you been thinking of killing yourself?" Jack’s question was gentle and direct, but shook me to the core. Yesterday, I promised Max that I would be okay. I even smiled at her. But Jack’s question reinforced the fact, that despite what I promised Max, I wasn’t okay. I was far from okay. Nothing had changed. My feelings hadn’t changed. I felt as hopeless as ever. That loaded gun was still waiting in my desk. If I didn’t want another day like yesterday, something had to change. If telling Jack would make the difference, I had to do it.

I nodded almost imperceptibly, fighting the urge to bolt away from there. I wanted so badly to be able to share this with someone, but the actual process was almost unbearable.

Jack didn’t balk at my admission. He just waited, giving me time to respond.

"Yesterday, I promised a friend I would be okay, and for a moment I was, but now I don’t know how I will be able to keep that promise." I was finally able to look at him.

"I understand." The gentleness was still in his voice, though I doubted that he truly understood. "Would you mind coming to my place for a few hours? I have something I would like to show you."

I reluctantly nodded my assent. I didn’t want to rely on this guy who I barely knew. What could he show me that would possibly help? Why was I letting him lead me like a child who didn’t know what he was doing? But the survivor in me understood completely. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t have any answers. Maybe, just maybe, he did.

We drove silently in his car to the outskirts of town and pulled into an old fashioned suburban subdivision. Twenty years ago, it would have been the epitome of suburban living, large ranch style houses, white picket fences. Now it was as run down as the rest of Seattle. The houses were in various states of disrepair and there were barely any remnants of the original white paint remaining on the battered gray fences. There was even a burned out shell of an automobile at the entrance to the cul-de-sac. But there was something different about this place that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Then I realized what it was. There was no garbage. The streets were clean. The sidewalks were clean. The yards were clean. Someone was taking care of this place.

Jack pulled in front of one of the houses. Screaming kids were riding their bikes and skateboards down a ramp from the front stairs to the sidewalk. Jack laughed at the sight as we worked our way out of the car.

"What do you think this is? A skate park?" He yelled at the kids as we rolled towards the ramp. "Get out of the way and let this old guy show you some tricks!"

"Dad, we’ve seen enough of your tricks to last us a lifetime." One of the skateboarders yelled back. Jack just rolled his eyes as we made our way up the ramp and into the house. I laughed in spite of myself.

"You’ve got a really good community going here." I commented as we worked our way in. In contrast to the outside, the interior of Jack’s home was in excellent shape. I suspected that Jack and his neighbors intentionally maintained the run down facade to attract less attention. There was no reason to make themselves a target for the thousands of people that resorted to burglary to make a living, or the police that were known to conduct unexpected ‘searches’ in more desirable neighborhoods. Jack’s next comments confirmed that for me.

"We work hard at it. The car you saw is a remnant of the New Year’s riots. We lit it up to keep the looters away. It was pretty effective. No one came down here. They figured the street had already been trashed. Things still look pretty rough on the surface, but we do have a functioning neighborhood. There are a lot of good things happening at the grassroots level. It also helps to have some watchdogs out there with some clout. I definitely didn’t vote for Allan Lans for police commissioner last fall. Neither did anyone else that I know of. Well, I didn’t bring you here to talk about politics and government." He stopped talking and headed into his office.

Jack opened up a filing cabinet and pulled out several pamphlets that he handed to me. I glanced at the title of one of them, ‘Suicide – A Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem.’ He must be kidding!

"When I told you I understood, I was serious. These are mine." Jack responded to my look of incredulity. I looked more closely at them then and noticed that they were dog-eared and underlined. There were even comments scribbled in the margins.

"I have read them hundreds of times. A few years ago, I was exactly where you are now. I felt completely alone. I didn’t think I had anyone I could talk to, but somehow I found these. For a while, they were all I had, but they saved my life. Eventually, I realized I did have friends I could talk to, people that care deeply about me. I also realized that there was hope for me. I have a great life now. I’m just grateful that I survived long enough to see that it was possible. I keep these to remind me how valuable my life really is." Jack took back the pamphlets and placed them back in the filing cabinet, but he didn’t take his eyes off me. I could tell that he was looking for a sign that I understood what he was saying. I could hear the earnestness in his voice as he talked.

"Logan, I didn’t show you these to patronize you. I know that there are no easy solutions. I know you may feel embarrassed, even ashamed, but following me here was very courageous. It was an act of faith and hope. As for myself, picking up those pamphlets was the most life-affirming act I ever committed. I just want you to know that there are resources out there for you. It doesn’t matter how you do it. You can beat this thing. I can see that you have that strength inside you, otherwise you wouldn’t have come to the park today. I think you are capable of great magnitudes of hope."

Hope.

My job is all about hope. It’s all about giving hope to other people, to this city, to this country, to the world. I’m an expert at seeking hope for the world. But I couldn’t do it for myself. Jack’s words were so ironic because, at that moment, the only thing I could feel was the enormity of my own hopelessness and isolation. What I needed more than anything was for someone to reassure me that there was hope for me, to let me know that I wasn’t alone. Yet I couldn’t ask for Jack’s help. I couldn’t even look at him. I just kept my eyes fixed on my immobile legs, unable to express my desperation. I was only a few inches from a person that was trying to reach out to me, but I couldn’t breach the chasm.

Then out of nowhere, Jack placed his arm around my shoulder and breached the chasm for me. I hadn’t even noticed that he had moved beside me. Despite my craving for human contact, Jack’s touch came as a complete shock. I rarely allowed anyone except Max and Bling that close to me, not physically or emotionally. And since my legs started to fail, I had even pushed them away. It was easy with Bling. He was accustomed to giving me space. So in spite of the concern, which was so obvious in his eyes, he didn’t push me or ask me any questions I wasn’t prepared to answer. But with Max, it was different. The more concerned she became, the closer she tried to get, and the more I hurt her. The worst moment was when I fell in front of her. My body was screaming for a human touch, but I couldn’t bear it when it came. I couldn’t let her help me. I had to do it alone. And when Max didn’t leave me alone, I lashed out at her with words that I knew would hurt her. Now Jack was reaching out to me, but my first instinct was to push him away as well. Yet despite my resistance, Jack held onto me with a fierce compassion and understanding.

"You’re not alone, Logan. You don’t have to do this alone." I never expected the warmth of Jack’s touch or the kindness of his words. I found myself grasping onto him, desperately needing the support he was offering me.

"You can let it go now."

I had cried for others before, but I had never cried for myself. I had never allowed myself to grieve. In Jack’s gentle statement, I found the permission I needed to release the sorrow that was crushing me. It poured out in enormous waves from the depths of my soul. Jack held onto me and just accepted it all. Eventually, the waves of grief subsided, but Jack continued holding me, supporting me. We were two mangled men holding each other awkwardly across the barrier of our wheelchairs. But somehow, despite his disability, Jack was able to share his strength with me and in the process, he helped me to rediscover my own strength. When I pulled away, I was able to do so with a genuine smile of relief and gratitude.

"Thanks for being there for me." I couldn’t truly express my gratitude to Jack, but I had to say the words anyway.

"Don’t mention it, man." Jack returned my smile encouragingly.

"Why did you stop me today?" I understood the precariousness of my situation. If Jack hadn’t been there when he was, I may not have made it.

"Logan, I’ve been concerned about you a long time. There was no way I was going to let you go anywhere today without talking to you. I’ve been through it and I know all the signs, the self-negating comments, the extreme sadness, the social withdrawal and the erratic behavior. You’ve been exhibiting them all." Jack proceeded to describe the things he had observed.

"I’m not as effective at hiding things as I thought." I smiled ironically, thinking about all the things that I do hide.

"No matter how hard you tried to cover it, I saw the intense sadness in your eyes. Things have been going from bad to worse for you for a long time. You’ve had a rapid physical recovery, but you haven’t had the time to emotionally process what has happened to you. When I met you five months ago, you didn’t even comprehend that you had a permanent injury. I saw the light in your eyes slowly go out as you came to that realization. It is one of the most devastating things that we have to come to terms with." I remember that I lived off Bling’s faith and hope for months, and how devastated I felt when I began to realize that what Bling believed might not happen.

"I’m not saying that we will be trapped in these chairs forever, but we need to be able to accept that possibility if we are going to survive long enough to change it. If we are ever going to get out of these chairs, we have to be around for it to happen." I hadn’t told Jack what happened with Dr. Vertes, yet he understood me so well. I had never even considered the possibility that I might have to make more than one attempt at walking again, nor that I might have to wait for years for a valid treatment to present itself. I was sure that Dr. Vertes was my only hope and when she allowed herself to get killed, it nearly killed me as well.

"You rarely joined us for our post game gripe sessions and when you did, you never talked about yourself. We were laying out all the crap in our lives, but I never heard you mention a single concern. Not once. You can’t tell me, though, that you didn’t have a thousand daily challenges that you could have used some help with. Your injury was the most recent of all. We were the ones with the experience. We should have been encouraging you." Jack was right about that as well. I found it almost impossible to admit my struggles. I was lucky that I had Bling to help me through many of them.

"Your injury is more than enough for one person to have to deal with. But I have a feeling there is much more going on in your life. Two weeks ago, you really scared me. When you came onto the court on that Wednesday, there was more than just sadness in your eyes. There was anguish and ferocity. I could see that you were desperate to release some of it. When we finished playing, the desperation was still in your eyes. How long did you stay after the game?"

"Six hours." I didn’t have to add that it was barely enough to keep me from exploding. Jack was not surprised at all, as if my answer confirmed what he had already suspected.

"Then by Friday, you seemed much more settled. I thought that maybe you came to some resolutions. And I figured that cute girl I saw waiting for you probably wasn’t hurting either." I smiled at Jack’s description of Max. That Friday and the following Saturday were the two most enjoyable days of my year. I had no prospect of walking at that point, but somehow I found a way to enjoy my life again. I had my work, I had basketball, and I had Max in my life in a big way. The fact that I was still in a wheelchair didn’t negate these things.

"But then you disappeared again and didn’t even return my calls. That scared me more than anything."

"I thought I had found some solutions. Then everything fell apart a few days ago." Now I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t regained feeling in my legs when I did. Somehow I don’t think I would have been sitting at my desk yesterday, ready to put a bullet in my own head. But the moment I regained the feeling in my legs, I couldn’t accept anything less than walking again.

Jack and I talked about what could have pushed me to this point, and as he went through the list of possible causes, I almost laughed at the seeming inevitability of it all.

1. Failed relationships. I certainly confirmed that with Val.
2. Things others have done to us. Does getting shot count? I am disgusted at the hate I still harbor for Bruno, Sonrisa and Mayor Steckler. Two of them are dead, but I haven’t been able to let go.
3. Guilt at our own actions. Peter and Nathan definitely come to mind.
4. Not being able to do what we once could. Something as simple as walking would probably fit the bill. Jack talked about catastrophic injury and extreme emotional pain. Those were his words not mine. But they accurately describe what I have been feeling.
5. Loneliness. God, I don’t want to think about that one right now.
6. A recent major loss. Jack called it a trigger incident. Dr. Vertes getting herself killed was definitely that for me, in the most literal sense of the word.

As I write down this list, I hate the fact that I have to struggle so hard to find some hope for myself. And yet I am doing it. If Eyes Only has the ability to save the world, the least he could do is find some hope for one pathetic man. How difficult could that be?

Jack talked about the things that helped him get through those early days.

"Logan, the best choice I ever made was to postpone the decision to end my life. Everything else stemmed from that." He talked about finding a person he could talk to. He talked about that first conversation with his friend, which was so much like the one we had today.

He talked about writing down his thoughts and finding clarity. I hadn’t written a thing since Dr. Vertes name appeared on my computer monitor. Maybe if I had continued to write my feelings down, no matter how painful they were, maybe I wouldn’t have been looking down the barrel of my gun yesterday. As I look back at the last year, I realize I’ve often had these thoughts, but as I wrote them down, I would find that spark of hope that kept me going for another day, or another week, or another month.

He talked about setting small goals and eventually expanding on them. What? Saving the world isn’t a small enough goal? I suppose I can focus on bringing down one scum lord at a time. I hadn’t really paid attention earlier, but now I remember Jack mentioning Allan Lans. He said Eyes Only's broadcasts were the reason he didn’t vote for Lans. He said that no one he knew voted for Lans either. He said they were grateful for the work Eyes Only did. After everything I have been feeling, I really needed to hear that today. I needed to know that my efforts were making a difference for people.

Jack talked about his goal to play a few minutes of basketball everyday and of the boost those few minutes gave him. I admit that playing basketball has helped me as well. That last day on the court was certainly a high for me. Those endorphins are definitely powerful drugs. They gave me the boost I needed to ask Max to the wedding, which was definitely one of the most memorable days in my life.

Jack and I talked for hours. He truly understands what I have been experiencing. He has lived it and he has made it through to the other side. Now I’m beginning to believe that, if it’s possible for him, it is also possible for me. He dropped me off downstairs with the promise of a basketball game in a few days. The first thing I did after I rolled through the door was to update Bling on my situation. He accepted it with his usual calmness and understanding. If he suspected before, now he knows. I won’t be hiding things from him anymore. Maybe he will hear me scream some day. And so might Max. She heard my silent screams yesterday and she was there for me. I know she will always be there for me when I need her.

Then I pulled out this notebook and started to write. It’s taken me a while to get this all down, but it is worth it. I have something I can work with here. I know now that I am not alone. Just knowing that I have someone to rely on makes all the difference in the world.

"Don’t forget to take care of yourself, Logan." Those were Jack’s final words to me as he dropped me off tonight. I know it will take me a while to learn to do that, but if I can take care of other people, I can also take care of myself. The bruise on my thigh is a good reminder of that. I couldn’t feel the damage I was doing yesterday, but at least my body responded appropriately. My leg did not like that one bit. My legs aren’t dead and neither am I. I need to take better care of them. I need to take better care of myself.

Jack warned me that the thoughts and feelings that I have been experiencing won’t just disappear. I have already experienced that. Yesterday I thought I had put those thoughts behind me, but a few hours later they returned with a vengeance. Jack also reassured me that those feeling don’t have to overwhelm me if I am prepared for them. He reminded me that I have many resources at my disposal and he is right. I do. I have Max, Bling and Jack, and I know that they each care about me deeply. But most importantly, I am willing to struggle for my life now. I will do what it takes to create a life for myself. And I will I do what it takes to find a way out of this chair. But I will not put my life on hold until that time. I want to live now.

Peace. Out.