When I promised myself a week ago that I would accept my life, I did not expect to find myself flat on my back in a bar. For a moment when that cave man B.C. was wolf whistling at Max, I forgot that I am a man in a wheelchair. I forgot about everything except protecting her. What right did he have to treat her like an object? I called him on it and effectively insulted him. Then in a second, I was on my back on the floor. I should have expected that those Neanderthals would have reacted the way they did. They had me out of the picture in about two seconds flat. What was I doing trying to protect Max like some testosterone-laden alpha male? If I had any doubts in the past about my ability to protect her, tonight proved my ineffectiveness once and for all.

Of course Max doesn’t need me. She had those three guys on the floor while I had barely managed to right the chair and began to pull myself in. It hadn’t been that long since I had to do this, so I remembered all the techniques Bling and I worked out. But I had forgotten how difficult they were to actually implement. I was back dealing with the fact that I couldn’t even control my hips. I’m a T8 paraplegic again with only moderate abdominal function and no lower extremity function whatsoever. Then like the wonderful compassionate person that she is, Max dusted herself off and hurried over to help me back into my chair. She took care of business and I couldn’t even take care of myself.

I don’t know what was more embarrassing, being dumped on the floor, struggling to get back in the chair while Max took care of business, being helped back into the chair by Max, or just forgetting who I was. I’m no hero, protector of widows, small animals and transgenic soldiers. What was I thinking trying to protect Max’s virtue? The man in the wheelchair, protecting the superhero goddess. What a farce!

How will I ever get past this? I am willing to accept not climbing Mount Rainier. I am willing to accept many things that come with being in this chair. I am willing to accept having only half a life, at least it’s a life. But tonight is not what I signed up for. I don’t want it. I hate what I am. I feel like I am back at ground zero with Max and everything else in my miserable life. I feel like I have to claw my way back again.