8:30 am

I spent most of last night watching the rain. That’s three nights in a row now. I know that I should get more rest, but my body doesn’t want to comply. At least I’ve been able to watch the sunrise each morning, even when it is obscured by the clouds. No matter how much it rains, or how dark the night is, the sky eventually changes from black to purple to gray. Sometimes when I’m lucky, the sky turns a beautiful azure blue filled with golden light, though that has not happened yet this week. That’s where Max found me this morning, watching the sunrise behind the veil of clouds. I felt her presence even before she approached me with a gentle hand on my shoulder and a soft "Hey".

"It’s interesting how the sun always rises," I said quietly, still watching the silvery white disk behind the gray clouds.

"One of the good things we can rely on," she replied with uncharacteristic reverence as she stood beside me in the gray morning light.

"Yeah," I acknowledged as I turned to her. When she turned to face me, her expression changed from one of quiet contemplation to one of concern.

"You okay?"

"Haven’t been sleeping much," I admitted, realizing I probably looked as exhausted as I felt. Three days without sleep will do that to a non-X5, even to a chronic insomniac like myself.

"You don’t have to make breakfast if you’re tired. I could whip us up a couple of spur-of-the-moment bowls of Cornflakes," she offered with a smile. I grinned at that, but I wasn’t about to give up the pleasure of cooking for her.

"Not in the Cale household. Here, guests are served in style. How does Eggs Benny sound to you?" I suggested as I turned and headed into the kitchen.

"Are you sure?" She asked with concern still in her voice.

"Definitely," I answered, leaving no room for argument. "But don’t think you’re getting off easy. You have to maintain your end of the conversation." I grinned at her mischievously knowing it would bring a smile to her face.

"No problem there," she answered with a sly smile of her own, not disappointing me at all. True to her word, she entertained me as I cooked, then dug into her breakfast with that enthusiasm and appreciation that I’ve grown to love. Just having her here made everything much lighter.

I thought that I had succeeded at putting her mind at ease, but when I escorted her to the door, the look of concern had returned to her face. She couldn’t help checking again before she left.

"You okay?" She asked quietly.

"I’ve had a rough couple of days, but I’ll work through it." I tried to reassure her. I promised myself not to hide from her anymore. But I still find it hard to tell her the full extent of what is going on, especially when I don’t even understand it myself.

"I’ll drop by later," she promised gently as she reached for the doorknob. Then she paused and turned back to face me. "Logan, if you need anything, promise you will call."

I nodded absentmindedly. Now that she was leaving, I found myself drifting again. The numbing rain outside the window was already beckoning me.

"Logan!" Max’s shout snapped me back into the present.

"Look at me!" She glared in frustration, but I could see hints of the fear that was so obvious two weeks ago returning to her eyes. "I’ll be here in five minutes flat. Do you promise?"

"I promise," I answered, looking directly into her eyes. This time, I meant it. There was no way I was going to scare her like that ever again. Max seemed satisfied with that and reluctantly shut the door behind her when she left.

She’s been gone for a few minutes and I am not at the window. I can’t waste my life staring at the rain. That won’t solve anything. Bling is out on a few errands, so for the first time this week I have this place to myself. That is as it should be. My life is in my own hands, as it always has been. I can’t allow these feelings to bury me. Hopefully, if I keep writing, I can work through them, sort them out, clarify them, purge them. I have to dig myself out of this hole that I’m in.