3:30 pm

Max told me today that she does struggle with the darkness from her past. As she was heading out the door for Snuffy’s memorial, she paused for a moment and admitted it. She described it as being right on her tail. Though my life can’t begin to compare with hers, in a way, I can understand how she feels. We all have demons of one form or another that haunt us. The darkness has certainly chased me this year, too. I wanted to encourage her so I told her lightheartedly that she had moves. The change in her posture when I said that suggested that maybe I succeeded. My comment may have appeared humorous at the time, but in truth, I was being completely serious.

I’m only now beginning to get a sense of who Max truly is. When I first met her, she appeared to be a self-serving bicycle messenger and cat-burglar, who cased out her client’s offices by day and robbed them by night. Yet even on that first night, there was something about her that completely fascinated me, besides the fact that she flew out my window and landed on her feet several stories below. One moment, she could be the carefree party girl who liked to go drinking with her friends, and the next, she could be the coldhearted X5 soldier, tough, strong and militaristic, who could handle herself unemotionally and efficiently in any situation. But I quickly learned that there was much more to Max than what I saw on the surface. She has depths of humor, caring and passion that I am only beginning to see. She has touched me more deeply than I ever expected.

The last few days have given me a much better understanding of what Max has had to overcome. She was raised in a world of darkness, but she has worked hard to set aside the horror of her upbringing and has tried to live a normal life. Even after everything she has experienced, she still hopes for the better, for herself and for those she cares about. That is one of her most human qualities. It’s not surprising that the darkness chases her at times. She couldn’t have gone through so much torture in her life and not experience it, but unlike Ben, she hasn’t allowed it to overwhelm her. That is more than many of us can do. She truly does have moves.

5:00 pm

I shredded my final trust check this afternoon, along with those awful pictures of Max. And I made my broadcast this morning. Those two simple acts were a turning point for me. Others may think what I did was self destructive, but it is just the opposite. It is the symbol of my freedom from my family, from the money that traps me and from the fear that paralyzes me. I am no longer going to live a lie, nor will I believe others’ lies. I will choose how to live my life, and I will choose whom I will care about.

At one point, money was the only thing that I thought I had in my life. I hated it then because I knew it couldn’t buy me what I so desperately needed. It couldn’t buy me love or peace or even freedom from this chair. Well, I won’t have money any more, and in the future, I will no longer be able to purchase a lot of the things money can buy. I probably don’t even fully comprehend what I’ve done. I know one day in the not too distant future, when I have sold my mother’s last painting, it will hit me. But today, I realized I have the most valuable thing of all. I have my integrity. It’s ironic that now that I have turned my back on my family’s money, I can see the possibilities in my life much more clearly.

Sorry it’s all busted up,

But if you can fix it,

Who knows? Might help you

Get from here to there

Best,

Phil

"Might help you get from here to there," Phil wrote. I never expected him to just give me his exoskeleton. He is another person that I misjudged. At first, I thought he was a stalker, then a vigilante, then a slightly nutty protector of our city. I could barely hold back my laughter at his seemingly ridiculous behavior. I considered him a lightweight, yet he is nothing of the sort. He is a real person, sincere in his desire to do the right thing. He sees injustices around him and he tries his best to right them. But I never expected his generosity. Though he barely knows me, he has given me the possibility of achieving one of my greatest dreams. I have the feeling that he knows exactly how much his gift means to me, and that is why he gave it to me. He puts me, Eyes Only, the protector of all that is good and true, to shame.

Perhaps the universe is right on schedule. No sooner did I shut the door on one part of my life than Phil’s gift arrived, opening a new door before me. I am ready now to throw away the baggage that cripples me and take a step through this new door, because I’m beginning to realize that I’ve got moves, too.